madhatter

Hello, Jeju

2012-02-07T06:40:00.000-08:00

Blogging in my hotel room just because I don't know what to do. It's too cold outside to venture around for too long especially at night. In fact, I'm not sure if I can even feel my nose. I have to admit, I'm missing Malaysia's overwhelming heat a little bit.

On the other hand, I can finally cross 'seeing snow' out of my list. :D

It snowed the moment we landed yesterday night, just like I wished it would, even if it's only for a little while. Had to catch a super early flight to Jeju so we had to camp out at a 24 hours McDonald's near the airport till then. Interesting experience, it was, along with a random fist fight between 2 guys over a girl at a table near ours at 3am. A bit of punching, then Guy A threw a chair at Guy B, who deflected and sent the chair flying down the stairs. In the end, the cops came and they settled down. Girl kept crying the whole time, good job, while we all stood at a corner because the guys were blocking the exit.

So anyway, the food here is definitely awesome, but this hotel we're at is not so. After dinner, we walked out to a mild snowfall and it was so pretty! I wish I could've taken a picture but it probably wouldn't show.

I'm looking out the window now, and I do think this is the first time I see oranges on a tree. The snow has stopped but the roads are covered in white and I've never seen the sky so clear back at our place.

"all good things are wild and free"

2012-01-26T08:57:00.000-08:00

As a result of (literally just) sitting at home everyday, I was surfing for new games to dl when I found this.. app about astrological birth charts. I was curious (mostly bored) so I decided to try it out. Now, I don't know how seriously people regard things like horoscopes and astrology, but I suppose I've always just been in between.. Sure, I want to learn how to read tarots and chart stars and constellations, but its not like I religiously read my horoscope daily. In fact, the only times I ever read about horoscopes is when I'm waiting for my mom at the salon and they only have beauty magazines lying around.

So anyway, this one seemed more serious.. I had to type in my date, time and place of birth and the likes to apparently get an "accurate" reading. And the weirdest part is when I'm reading, I'm just going, "Okay, this is true....this too... and that.. and HELL YES, this is so true.!" for about 30 paragraphs. Yep, it was THAT long.

I suppose what I'm trying to get at is.. isn't it weird that what we are, and how we are.. is apparently written in the stars...? Yep, as ridiculous as that sounds. It kinda feels like we don't even have a choice to be who we want to be, because even if we change, its most likely already written somewhere up above. If that is true, and we're not here JUST because of evolution, shouldn't there be some kind of purpose to us being here? If everything is apparently already written. I honestly cannot imagine we're here just to live, grow old and die... although yes, it seems we're all heading in that direction and I'm still in some kind of denial.

I don't want to be immortal; I'm not too sure how I could go on living if everyone else keeps leaving me. I suppose I just want something different in life. I don't know exactly what or how to achieve that but its this gnawing feeling I have at the back of my head that won't leave. I can't be the only one. So how come no one seems to get what I'm talking about? :S

And THIS is why I shouldn't be alone with my thoughts at 2am.

a full circle and we're back

2012-01-19T19:54:00.000-08:00

Its that time of the year again! This year's a relaxing Chinese New Year, finally.... and yesterday a friend told me, "cny holidays still got a lot of assignments :(".. I know how he feels and damn, I do NOT miss that feeling.

I finally got the job I was hoping for... or more like I finally got a job at the company I was hoping to work for... Surprisingly, they called me back 2 weeks ago to consider me for another 2 vacancies they had, which apparently was better than the one I originally applied for. Was asked to go back for a 'chat' with more people and that resulted in a looonger wait than usual, since I was being considered for 3 positions. There were random times when I think maybe I wouldn't even get any of it. And that would seriously just suck. I spoke to my aunt countless times about this and I'm glad things turned out better than I hoped. Sadly, still based in Malaysia. I'm hoping hoping hoping things will change.... later on. My uncle thinks I should have just packed my bags and move to Singapore. Haha, oh uncle, I wish it was as easy as that.. Hopefully, this job will be a huge stepping stone for me.

Still, free overseas trip every year. YESS!!

New year, new.. goals?

2012-01-02T23:02:00.000-08:00

Started off the new year with cleaning, cleaning and more cleaning.
Rearranged my entire bedroom (it looks much better now), dug out, packed and threw away 4 years of my life.
I thought I was gonna be happy to get rid of all that stuff, but right after that I just felt like crap, I'm never going to see it all again. My sketches and my drawings, my portfolios and journal sketchbooks. I'd like to think I did pretty well for someone who has never attended art class before. I'm sorry but primary and secondary school's art class doesn't count.. I don't even remember what I did.. Cut out random shapes and made stamps out of raw potatoes (and suddenly I remember this Indian girl in my standard 2 class drinking her blue paint.. oh lord), paint a fruit here and there, that anyaman thing we did with art block and color paper...? Yep, that's about it.
Mom ecstatic though, now that all my junk is gone, she says my room and the hall outside seems more.. spacious somehow. Must be a psychological thing. At least someone's happy.

Off to clean something else now..

Final days

2011-12-29T20:53:00.000-08:00

Okay, so the title sounds a bit ominous.... maybe it is, maybe it isn't.
For the past 23 years, I celebrated New Years' knowing exactly where I will be, what I will be doing the following year. School, college, class, homework, assignments, submissions, holidays.
This year, I will be moving into 2012 unsure of everything.
Aaahh. I am scared, nervous and excited.
Why do I feel like everyone else seems to be able to move from studying to working so gracefully while I'm here fumbling, wondering what to do and where to start.

I am tired of downloading e-books. I want to hold and read a real book, dammit. Spending the last day of the year in a bookshop seems like a good idea. And I'll count down with a Disney movie at night.
Tangled is my latest obsession.
Floating lanterns: MOST AWESOME SCENE EVER <3 I can't believe I let college stop me from watching this movie an entire year!
I really love how Disney can single handedly keep every/any childhood dreams alive :D

Working at Disney = BEST DREAM EVER.

Most likely never to come true too..... hmm......

CHALLENGE ACCEPTED.

Today is December!

2011-11-30T06:22:00.000-08:00

Okay, 2 hours early. But anyway...

Is there a reason why I can't enjoy Christmas because I'm not "celebrating" it?

How does one 'officially' celebrate anyway? Christmas trees, turkey, presents and the like?

If I don't have all of the above, I'm not celebrating Christmas?

Seriously, I've never noticed how weird some people are..

What was I looking at all these years?

Speaking of results, I got them a while ago.

._.

I was expecting to get it in mid-December... but this works for me too cause I totally skipped the panicky mood.

I PASSED.

OH YES.

GOODBYE COLLEGE FOREVER.

I've been told I might live to regret this....

but no, I don't think so.

Now the only thing to look forward to is KOREA <3

Oh, and a job. Asap.

Damn. I want my 2 months break.

Why do You make life so hard for us sometimes?

やった！

2011-11-29T08:01:00.000-08:00

And so, college ends.

I'm too relieved to worry about getting my results.. maybe a couple of weeks from now.

Then there's a job to look for.

It's silly but I feel like everything I had planned all these years have suddenly disappeared.

Everyone's asking "what's next?".... and then I realise, I have no idea... yet.

Too much I want to do, I'm feeling uncertain right now.

My dad, of course, does not approve. He would like me to be on that ONE path to success without wasting time, whereas I'd rather take a few different paths and see which one I want to continue on. I don't think its a waste of time if I get to experience things... right?

How can one be sure they're right if they haven't done anything wrong?

Blah..

Maybe cause it's only been 5 days, I still have moments when I wake up at 8-9am and panic, thinking I somehow missed my alarm. I've been told it doesn't sink in until maybe after a month..

There isn't much to do, however, given the current situation we're in (yet again). Will this never end? At least I still have so many books unread. Starbucks is currently collecting old books for charity, its time to clean up my shelf.

be the change

2011-10-09T01:51:00.000-07:00

Man, it was a tough month to get through.

Between pulling more all-nighters than I care to count and having my presentation boards drawn all over with a red marker pen for two consecutive critiques in a row, I'm glad to say we're finally headed towards our FINAL review. This marks not only the end of my semester, but also my last college presentation. If all goes well.

Guest judges = all our ex-bosses from internship.

GREAT.

Not.

I hate how everything took a sharp turn and went downhill. The last time I had my boards drawn all over in red was back in semester 3. And I got that twice then too! Somehow, that didn't worry me as much as it does now. And then all these what if's flood my mind. What if I screw up? What if I don't pass? What if I have to retake?

Gah. Too much negativity in my house these days.

30 days to go.

"you get what anybody gets - you get a lifetime."

2011-09-16T23:14:00.000-07:00

How does one prepare themselves for the death of a loved one?

How, and when do we say our last goodbyes?

How would we know if every moment we have together is the last one, or if any moment we're away could be an opportunity missed to spend one last time to speak to each other, and laugh together?

I don't think I'm quite ready to let go yet.

Please stay for a while more.

This morning, they played a song on MTV that I haven't heard since I was 15.

I suppose that's the best part about old songs; when they're played, everything you ever thought of then suddenly comes rushing back to you.

"I never conquered, rarely came

16 just held such better days,

Days when I still felt alive,

We couldn't wait to get outside,

The world was wide, too late to try,

The tour was over, we'd survived

I couldn't wait till I got home

To pass the time in my room alone."

3:45

2011-09-10T11:51:00.000-07:00

I don't know if its the coffee or the butterflies in my stomach, but I can't sleep.

Yet another presentation coming up on Thursday.

This would be my 3rd. And then there's another 3 presentations to go after.

These are the times when I feel like my life is measured between having presentations and not having presentations, being able to sleep and not being able to sleep.

Plans, elevations, sections by Monday, models by Thursday.

I couldn't think, so I escaped by being out the whole day. Coward, I know. I'm paying for it now.

I almost wish we didn't have to leave the coffee shop, because I can't bear to come home to... work.

Every time I get a random "what am I doing?" moment, I stop to think.. and find that my life is actually (really) made up of a series of ironic events. (Sitting at a desk for more than 10 hours can do that to a person).

I suddenly remembered a time when I was 9 years old, I (very self-righteously, I might add) told myself and my parents that I didn't want to be confined to a desk-job. I want to move around, go exploring... and well, just be free. And I thought being in the creative field would give me all that. For years, I've entertained ideas of doing interior, or maybe graphic, and even fashion design, really. They embodied what I thought was 'adventurous' and 'different'. I wouldn't even consider anything my Dad had picked for me; entrepreneurship, marketing, etc. (I told him the closest I would get to is (Fashion) Marketing and Management, in Raffles).

14 years later, I am in the creative field just like what I wanted, and somehow it has managed to chain me to the desk more effectively and even worse, painfully.. than (maybe) any other career paths my Dad had picked.

"Life has a way of making the foreseeable never happen, and the unforeseeable that which your life becomes."

True story.

"How else can one threaten, other than with death?..."

2011-08-28T08:34:00.000-07:00

... "The interesting, the original thing, would be to threaten someone with immortality."

-Jorge Luis Borges

I'm not sure if I can still describe how I felt at that moment, but one thing was certain.. it was truly a humbling experience to walk in and see my grandmother lying on that bed. The idea... the possibility of death couldn't have hit me any harder than that sight. I know, I know she's getting better. She's going to get better. And the tears I shed were not tears of sadness, they were of relief. They were also of regret, for when I see her as an old woman so weak and helpless, who still had to suffer the disdain of her so-called family day after day. The only thing she could look forward to was the next day, when she could see her daughters again. And when I am surrounded by family members, I can't help but think of her alone, in the room. There were so many things I wished I could do; ease her pain, take her away from everyone else, love her... but I too, am helpless. I can feel it in my heart, raging; trying to claw its way out.

It brought to mind my late grandfather in that same position so many years ago, when I was too young to understand the enormity of death. When I was told (and still believed) that they were only moving on to another place where they no longer had to bear the burden of their shell, and that I would be able to see them again, many many years later.

I'm not sure if I still believe in that.. but then, what else would we hold on to?

"the mind was dreaming. the world was its dream."

2011-08-25T04:48:00.000-07:00

You know the problem with the light at the end of the tunnel?

You will never know how long the tunnel really is.

You fumble and you stumble in the dark, thinking if you could walk just a bit further,

you'd reach it.. and everything would be clear again.

But the longer you walk, the further it seems to move away from you.

Even when you stop, it keeps moving.. and you run, because you're afraid to be left behind in the dark....

Would you still exist alone in the dark, without the light?

How many have perished, because they gave up and lost themselves in the dark?

You don't know how long you've been walking, you don't know why you're still walking,

all you know is that once.. a long time ago, all you wanted was to reach this elusive light.

And so you keep walking - maybe there was nothing left to do but follow the only thing that you know, maybe there's another way out, maybe... maybe you still believe in reaching the light.

while i breathe, i hope..

2011-08-21T20:29:00.000-07:00

It's been two days since X Japan's concert tickets went on sale.

I wonder if it's sold out already.

I'm hoping it is, because then maybe I'll be able to let this go.. finally.

I've been in varying states of emotions(?) since I found out a week ago that they're going to be performing in Thailand on November 8th.

Excitement, because it's real! They're coming!
Denial, because as much as I'd like to pretend otherwise, I know college doesn't end by November; instead, I'm having a possible final review and submission on that week.

Depression, because I can't help stalking the Thailand ticketing site and checking out flight tickets even though I know I won't be going.

Even now, I still have moments when I think, "Screw it, I'm going whether I have a review or not."

But maybe, just maybe, my desire to graduate is SLIGHTLY more than my desire to see X Japan. I don't want to screw up at the last minute.

College is a dead weight I need to get rid of because it's the only thing keeping me here.

In the meantime, I'll just keep wishing they will have another Asia tour, if only for cheap tickets. I mean, really! RM650 for front-row seats, if I'm going for their Bangkok live..!

Or I could just fly to wherever they are. Europe, US, Japan..

This time I'll be ready.

Another Monday, another death

2011-07-25T01:45:00.001-07:00

Spent the whole week in black, playing endless X Japan songs and watching endless X Japan videos, hoping I could engrave Taiji into my brain so that I would never forget him and the music he had created. I thought surely I would get over his death soon.

Apparently my mourning period will be extended.

I received Alex's text a while ago, asking me; "Isshi of Kagrra died???". Once again I made a mad dash to google this news. It's true and somehow even more shocking than hearing about Taiji's death. If anyone had asked me to make a guess on which j-rocker would pass away first, Isshi would never ever be on this list. Even Lyd agreed that (God forbid) Kyo would be a likelier candidate. The most shocking part would be that he died on the 18th and we only hear about it a week later. Call me dramatic, but as a fan, I feel cheated.

Kagrra, was one of the first bands I followed so religiously when I got into J-Rock so many years ago. Hearing that they disbanded last year was bad enough, but I still harbored hope for a miraculous comeback. Listening to Isshi's voice right now makes it so hard to believe that this is all I will have of him. I'll never hear him sing another new song and Kagrra, will never get back together again.

I'm wishing in vain, but at this moment I really hope someone would understand the depths of my sadness and regret. I don't know him personally, that's true, but I knew the music he created and knowing that this is the end of it leaves a huge hole in my heart.

I am hating Mondays with a vengeance.

I don't even want to leave my room now, and I'm supposed to meet Lyd and Chris. I am not in the mood for jokes and laughter.

RIP 一志

I'll mourn you forever.

the wall, the column

2011-07-21T01:38:00.000-07:00

"The wall did well for man. In its thickness and its strength, it protected man against destruction. But soon, the will to look out made man make a hole in the wall, and the wall was pained, and said, "What are you doing to me? I protected you; I made you feel secure - and now you put a hole through me!" And man said, "But I see wonderful things, and I want to look out." And the wall felt very sad."

- Louis I. Kahn, Between Silence and Light

If one day, I could learn to express my thoughts so beautifully into words, I shall be very happy indeed.

this is a story of how Time had once again slipped by us silently and stolen our years

2011-07-18T23:24:00.000-07:00

I knew there was a reason why I hated Mondays, and after today, I will have another reason to.

In the middle of a design tutorial, I suddenly got a message saying; "Taiji Sawada is dead."

That literally felt like a slap in the face.

This is not the kind of news I want to read about at 10am.

It brought to mind the time when I read about The Rev's death so many mornings ago.

I don't think I was even listening to what Mr Redz was saying after that. All I could think of was the fastest way to go online and finding out what happened.

And (surprisingly), this is the second suicide attempt of another X-Japan member. I really wasn't expecting that. First, Hide and now Taiji. Come to think of it, Hide probably had the better deal.

According to the news, Taiji was hospitalised for 3 days before he was certified brain-dead and had his life support turned off. 3 days he laid dying, and I (we) didn't know anything about it.

It feels quite unreal.

I must have had a weird look on my face because people asked what's wrong, and I wasn't sure how to respond. Sure, I could say "There's this band I loved for so many years, well, their bassist passed away", but those words don't even begin to do justice to the depths of my pain and I don't want to hear what anyone else has to say about it because I don't believe anyone would understand.

There was that one moment I was so crushed after I read the news, I don't think I could have described how I felt. And it was for a really selfish reason.

After having cancelled their Bangkok live 3 years ago, my hopes to ever see X-Japan had been close to 0. Only until they signed on a 3-year contract and then (much later) announced they'll go back to Bangkok again to perform that I begin to harbor hope again.

I had forgotten that Taiji was an ex member, and hearing that X-Japan's bassist had passed away, all I could think of was that X Japan would once again disband and how unfair it was that my dream to see them was revived just to be crushed for the second time in a row.

RIP Taiji :(

X is forever.

2011-07-15T09:58:00.000-07:00

I came home from college in time to catch an unexpected Studio Ghibli anime on TV. Its one of the lesser known Ghibli production, called 耳をすませば or Whisper of the Heart, but it's just as awesome. For some reason, Ghibli animes never fail to make me feel nostalgic.

It brings to mind innocent feelings and long-forgotten childhood dreams.

Shizuku spends most of her time reading books borrowed from the library her dad works at, and discovers a name in the library card of every book she borrows (Amasawa Seiji). One day, she accidentally left a book on a bench and went back to find a guy reading it. Of course, said guy turns out to be Amasawa Seiji himself. Typical girl-meets-boy scenario, but coming from Ghibli, it's really not that corny. Quite "aww"-inducing, really. She doesn't know he's the guy till much later though, but watching/reading enough love stories, you'll definitely know.

One day, she met a cat on a train (no kidding) and follows it all the way to a mysterious antique shop. One can only wish we had adventures like this too. This is my favorite part; when she met the old man who owns the shop and he shows her a grandfather clock. He winds it and tells her a story of the King of Dwarves who fell in love with the Fairy Queen but they cannot be together as they live in different worlds. However, when the clock strikes every hour, they can meet.. and the clock slides open to reveal the King of Dwarves who stares longingly up at the Fairy Queen, who stares back, looking equally as sad. Then we find out the old man is Seiji's grandfather. We also find out that Seiji has actually known Shizuku for a long time and has been purposely checking out all the books from the library to get her attention. (Interesting...)

Anyway, I'm getting too carried away. The animation was, as usual, beautiful. The soundtrack is good too, though recognizably not by Joe Hisaishi. I loved the part when Seiji played the violin and Shizuku sang the Japanese version of 'Country Road'.

breathe.. breathe.. breathe!!

2011-07-02T08:58:00.000-07:00

So, my new schedule is out.

And I have 4 days of class!! Even with just 2 subjects!

You know, when I saw my seniors in college last time, I used to long for the day when I, too, would be in my final year / final semester, because then I would have at least some free days during the week to work on Design (leaving me with at least some room to breathe during the weekend).

....

Clearly that's not going to happen.

That's not the worst part.. design's on Monday and Thursday.

I hate Design classes on Mondays.

Because then we would have presentation on Mondays, which automatically spells "dooms-day".

You can't find any place open for printing on Sunday, which means you have to (literally) kill yourself finishing the presentation boards to print on Saturday, then work on the model on Sunday. Of course, there are (ahem) some of us who takes the ultimate risk to print our boards on Monday morning, just minutes before the presentation.

Only to find out that the rest of your class have also decided to take that ultimate risk, and now the queue at the printer's is all jammed up and half the class is going to be late (that could be you).

Its quite nerve-wrecking, having presentation on Mondays.

Also it makes me miserable to know that I just spent the weekend working my ass off without sleep while everyone is out there enjoying their youth.

let's start all over again

2011-06-28T01:54:00.000-07:00

I want to tear myself from this place, from this reality, rise up like a cloud and float away, melt into this humid summer night and dissolve somewhere far, over the hills. But I am here, my legs blocks of concrete, my lungs empty of air, my throat burning. There will be no floating away.

-The Kite Runner, Khaled Hosseini

困った！

2011-06-21T23:23:00.000-07:00

In the space of 8 months, I have somehow forgotten (almost) all that I had learned the past 3 years.
All the basics I have learned to conduct a site analysis, it has somehow slipped my mind.
And I can't seem to decide on something as simple as a mere location for my final project.
KL. PJ. Cyberjaya. Putrajaya.
Why did I pick this place? What is there? Who is there? What does it have that I need to make my project work?
All the reasons.... pros and cons of choosing that certain location.
People are trying to give me advices and opinions, and it is more confusing than helpful.
I only have less than 2 weeks left to do all that and more.

ああ～全部も忘れてしまった！どうすればいい？

it's not locking everyone out it's keeping me in

2011-06-12T22:42:00.000-07:00

I'M SO BORED!

College is slowly seeping back into my life, 3 weeks too early.
Compilation of design portfolios, concept researches, site location trips and analysis reports...to be done before the start of our semester.
Here we go again.
Not too sure if I'm ready for this.
For the past 2 months, I've been steadily discovering unpleasant truths about myself, which makes me wonder how am I supposed to go on.. with college, and after college.
The last semester is supposed to be the most important time.. and I hate when I begin to question myself.
What am I so afraid of?
What is so hard about speaking my mind?
Would I be a Reacher or a Settler?
Would I be able to break down all the barriers I've set around myself?

the end of all i know

2011-05-24T08:25:00.000-07:00

Been working at the store for almost a month now; cleaning, arranging, repacking, relisting.. the amount of dust and dirt in there is almost amazing. Also, you'd be amazed at how heavy those curtains, table cloths and chair covers (and even candles) are. Because its only Lyd and I at the store, we carry most things ourselves (if all else fails, we either drag or kick the boxes).
I come home everyday and spend a long time in the shower trying to scrub myself clean again.
I don't know if its my imagination, but I find that my hands still have a grayish tint to it.
The good news is, there are finally events (plural!).. we'll be heading to Sitiawan next weekend for an Astro event (and its by the beach!), and the week after that, to Malacca.
And then.. ~~my nightmare~~ college starts again.
I don't want to stop working.. mostly because I like the freedom it gives me.
I no longer have to depend on anybody else for allowances, and nobody breathes fire down my neck if I come home with 300 bucks worth of books.

It's been going on for quite a while and I think I've finally had enough of my family.
All these fights and moody faces and silent treatments and side-takings are killing me.
I can say with certainty that I'll be leaving as soon as I am able to get a ticket out of this place.
Maybe then I'll start living my life for myself, and not for everyone else around me.
I wonder who is really considered selfish: one who has been selfish for so long its already a constant, or one who finally had enough of giving in and wants to stop.

When I was given this car almost 4 years ago, it was a symbol of freedom for me. Call me corny, dramatic, overreacting but its true.
No one has any idea what getting that car meant to me.
Looking at it tells me I no longer have to depend on people who couldn't be bothered to remember to pick me up and drop me home. People who would get friends to do their chores for them.
It's been a long time, I know... but these are the kind of things/feelings you bring to your grave; knowing you were once a burden, and an easily forgotten one at that.
And now I am supposed to give up my 'freedom' to a person who only thinks about himself, what he wants and what he needs without a single thought to me. I have to go back to counting on people to fetch me to and from work.
Fine. I tried. I really did, but 7 years later, he still can't pick me up on time. And I'm working 2 roads away.
Not only does he make me wait, Lyd has to wait too because she can't leave until I do.

It won't be the first time I ask myself what does being a family mean.
It should be clear by now that I'm the only one who thinks the idea of a family holds some importance, because that's the only reason I keep trying and trying.. and not a single person returns the gesture.
Why does a person who gives in have to keep giving in, while the person who has been taking keeps taking?
It was always I who felt too much, while nobody feels a thing for what I try to do.
It is times like these when the urge to leave is the strongest.
And I can do it.
After so many years, I can say that this time, I can leave without looking back.

23

2011-05-16T09:16:00.000-07:00

And I welcomed my 23rd birthday by watching (my favorite parts of) Howl's Moving Castle.

I have deduced that I must be a boring person indeed because when people call, they expect me to be out partying/celebrating and are quite surprised to learn that well... I'm not.
Birthdays don't hold the same appeal to me the way they did 10 years ago.
Anyway, I still bought myself a present; this lovely red pocket notebook.
Inspired by a tumblr I read, I've decided to keep a journal for 365 days; from this birthday to the next.
I am going to try and write something in it everyday.
I do hope I won't give up halfway; that seems to be the usual course of my life.

Happy Birthday to myself.
I wish that I will be able to muster up the strength to turn my life back to the way it was, before things started slowing down and turning into a routine.

An alternate universe

2011-05-14T07:18:00.000-07:00

I hate reading books where people die.
Its just a story; fiction, fantasy.
It's not supposed to be real and it doesn't have to make sense.

So then why do people have to die?

it was a dark and stormy night...

2011-05-11T07:20:00.000-07:00

And so we started writing poems again.
We're doing a Christmas edition, by rhyming our poems to some of the famous Christmas tunes.
And really, we rock at this.
I'm working with Lyd for the next 2 months.
When there are no events, I have to be at the store to help clean up.
And so far, there hasn't been any events.
So we've just been sitting around the store on our own.
We haven't run out of topics yet, between HIMYM jokes and perving at male models online.
There are times though, when I'm in a contemplative mood and do not feel like speaking.
Some people might actually find that hard to believe.

Today, we went to Gardens for lunch (if only for the air-cond), and we decided to give the food court a try.
Our first, and last.
BAD.
MISTAKE.
Bumped into a person I (honestly) never expected to see again (I mean, how hard is it to avoid a person here right? That, and we do not run with the same crowd.)
Lyd escaped the moment we saw her, I was not as lucky.
It was weird when she said "Things are okay already right?"
How do I say no, they're not? And they will never be?
I escaped after empty promises of "meeting up soon".

Sometimes, I hate when I bump into old high school acquaintances.
They remind me of things I want to forget.

6 months..

2011-04-29T02:58:00.000-07:00

and my internship finally ended.

I'm packing to leave for Singapore tonight.

And my uncle texted to say he has taken leave from work, and will go to Kinokuniya with me tomorrow.

Awesome possum! :D

Kino in Singapore is always better.

秒速５センチメートル

2011-04-24T09:38:00.000-07:00

知ってる？
桜の花のおちるスピード。。
どれほどの速さで生きれば、
きみにまた合えるのか？

"It was like you suddenly turned a blinding light on something that had always been half in shadow.”

2011-04-21T03:19:00.001-07:00

When I dressed to go to work yesterday, I didn't envision anything out of the norm happening.
Work would be the usual, I'd be waiting for 6pm to roll around so I can go home.
A few of us decided to take a trip to KL Hospital during lunch to visit another colleague, Peter, who was involved in a road accident. It was pretty serious; fractured ribs and a broken leg.
So, we were there in the general ward, and he was relaying his story to us while I stood at the foot of his bed. Suddenly, I broke out in cold sweat and the edges of my vision blurred. And when I blinked, it was like as if someone had turned on the lights, everything got brighter and brighter until there was only whiteness.
I don't know what happened after that.
I woke up half-lying on the floor; someone was holding up my head and there were people shouting my name.
I heard yells for a doctor and then someone lifted me up and sat me on a chair.
And when I was conscious enough to know what's going on, half my body felt numb.
There were suggestions to go to the emergency ward, but I declined.
One part of me was afraid of finding out what's wrong.
Colleagues were telling me I should have said something if I didn't feel right, but really, there was no time.
I was told I'm lucky Mike managed to grab me before I knocked my head on the floor.
I don't even know how long I blacked out.
And frankly, its quite scary.
Maybe because I wasn't expecting it.
I keep trying to remember what happened before I lost consciousness.
I wonder, is this how dying feels like?
A slow blurring as everything turns bright, then..
Nothing.

8 days..

2011-04-15T22:28:00.000-07:00

Countdown of my internship is finally down to a single digit!
I hope the next 2 weeks will come and go fast enough.

One more hurdle before I can wash my hands off this final project.
Is it me or do they keep doing all the unnecessary work?
I had to rewrite most of, if not the entire script.. and now I have to summarize said script into a short paragraph. Why?
Writing's not the problem here; I just don't feel like doing it.
やる気がない！

Lately, all my savings are going down.... really fast.
Spontaneous trip to Borders with Lyd and CY 2 days ago had me spending 150 on mangas alone.
Which is part of the 300 that I'm trying to save up! Gahh.
I also ordered a few titles they didn't have (why didn't anyone stop me??!)
At this rate, I won't be able to save up much for my trip to Korea in February.
9 BLISSFUL days.
I'm going to need loads of cash.
I need another job for the next 2 months.
As much as I hate office jobs and planting my ass on the chair for 8 hours, they pay much better than mall jobs :S
I really don't want to extend my internship though.

なぜ人間の関係はそんなにむずかしいのか？

2011-04-08T08:09:00.000-07:00

For the first time ever, I am NOT glad to receive a text from Mr Redz informing me that there is a deadline extension for our final project (due Monday). I would have preferred to have it over and done with this weekend so I won't have to go back to college for another week or meet other.... acquaintances.
Ahh..!

My latest project is trying to refurnish my room. I'll probably do it when I have time the next 2 months. It's about time I moved back. So I was thinking maybe if my room looked better, I'd actually want to sleep in there. But here's the real problem: I can sleep alone, yes. I can sleep in the dark, yes. But sleeping alone AND in the dark? Hell no. I can only handle one situation at a time. Sadly, my father remains unsympathetic. At times like these, I wish I have a sibling to share a room with. I really like bunk beds... but they are useless when there's only one of you.

Drew a plan of my room on CAD and trying to rearrange everything I have inside. And I realise, I hate the shape of my room! It limits.... the placement of my furnitures. Especially the bed. I can't put it this way or that so it just sits in the middle of my room (taking up majority of the space), and I'm forced to work around it. Also, the colors of some furnitures don't match. I'm not sure if Dad would consider that a reasonable excuse to let me get new ones.

Plan A - I am considering getting a smaller, kid-sized bed <--- that is how desperate I am. Just so I can stuff my bed in a corner. Or a sofa-bed. Its kinda funny to think that the main concern for my bedroom is not my bed, but rather how many bookshelves I can fit in.

Plan B - Or maybe I can get a loft bed. That would give me more space for my desk and (additional) bookshelves (The current one is bursting with books, they're practically on the floor) and tell Dad to take off the ceiling fan if he's so worried I'll accidentally behead myself. I can do with a stand-fan.

Plan C - Get one of those Ikea beds with built-in shelving and storage underneath. But they cost a bomb and I won't have anything left to buy my new bookshelf which, admittedly, I need more than a new bed right now.

Plan D - Seal off the toilet door. It really IS in the way. Every time I want to shift something, I have to bear in mind to keep a clear path from my door to the toilet. If I seal it off, I can also keep the occasional creepy-crawlies out. Ugh.

Plan E - What am I doing refurnishing my room when I an planning to move to Singapore after finishing Uni? In a weird way, I do think that I try not to leave any lasting.... impressions because I'm worried I'll get too comfortable to think about leaving.

Talk of birthdays and me asking Lyd to bake me strawberry shortcake, it was then I realise a quarter of my life has nearly come to pass. And I still haven't done anything in my to-do list. I'm afraid.

2006-2011

2011-04-03T09:16:00.000-07:00

Its been 5 years.

Not a very long time, is it?

I can still remember a lot of things about you.

I can still remember how you sit at the door, waiting for us to come.

I can still remember how you'd be content just to be in the same room with us, not even talking.. and watching us fight over the computer, you'd tell me to give in to my brothers.

I can still remember how angry I'd be with you, for taking their side every time and not mine.

I can still remember I missed your (final) birthday dinner because I had to work part-time.

I can still remember the last night.

It was a Saturday, wasn't it?

I just came home from my part time job, I said I'm tired and did not want to go over for dinner.

How I wished I did.

How I still wish I did.

I'd have the last night with you.

I can live with failure or disappointment..

but regret, I realise, is the hardest thing to live with.

And this is one that would follow me forever.

"whom can i ask what i came to make happen in this world?"

2011-03-26T07:26:00.000-07:00

from Pablo Neruda's 'The Book of Questions'.

I finally found it!!

1 more month till I'm done with both internship + this semester!

Finally, I won't have Minor classes anymore.

I have to say this, they're a waste of time, really.

After (nearly) 4 semesters, I'm still wondering what I (am supposed to) have learnt.

I am already dreading the next semester.

Only because I feel as if I'm losing the.. drive to continue on.

After 3 years, I feel like.. you know what? I'm done with this.

I WANT to be done with this....

I don't want to do this!

Nut asked what am I going to do after I graduate and I answered;

"Something else that isn't so mentally challenging."

People at my office are telling me to go back when I graduate. My supervisor wants me to work on until June and I nearly choked on the drink I was having then. It was all I could do not to scream NOO! (yes, I am THAT horrified). They could be saying it out of politeness but still, I doubt I will. Not doubt. I'm sure I won't.

I still don't know yet, what I'm trying to achieve but I know I won't find it there.

Plus, lately everyone there has been annoying me with (really obvious) hints of how K should do something before I leave. WHY do people do that? I'm not into him, and I'm certainly not going to be pressured into being into him.. oh Lord. PEOPLE.

I've been trying to avoid them by actually driving out all the way to PJ Old Town to meet Lyd for lunch. (That is how desperate I am to avoid their comments)

I hope April will be over soon.

A book I've been waiting for is coming out on April 5th! Yayy!

i wish i could put together fragments of everyone's dreams and build something new again

2011-03-16T09:15:00.000-07:00

I was going to name this post 'the day CY found ultimate yaoi porno in Borders', but that would be slightly inappropriate.
She did find it though. She walked into Borders, Bangsar during lunch and found Viewfinder, in English!
Very surprising. I was quite sure they had banned English yaoi comics in all the bookstores here ever since someone reported them in Kinokuniya a long time ago.
And Viewfinder is one of the.... more hardcore titles.
Still, this is awesome!
Now, how do I hide them?

The other day, I heard Yung mention this organization called MERCY Malaysia, and I am interested in joining as a volunteer. The reply I got from certain family members was "Don't be stupid."
Dad may have mellowed out a little but not that much, I guess.. to allow me to travel to a disaster-ridden country for services.
On one hand, I can directly point out that I am at a legal age where I do not require consent from said parents to do this, but on the other.. I do respect their opinions (even if I do not agree most of the time). I am also aware that I am currently tied down by other priorities like classes and work. I wish I could do something more than just reading and being sympathetic though.
Also, I wish our country would stop making us all look like fools living in caves. First, the insensitive comic strip, and now the insensitive comment from a person who is supposed to represent our country. I am so ashamed of my nationality that I actually erased it from my fb account.

when that day finally arrives nothing will matter anymore

2011-03-14T03:53:00.000-07:00

Earthquake, tsunami, aftershocks, mounting casualties.. possible nuclear radiation, evacuations and power blackouts...
I've been reading CNN and BBC news religiously, and it's heartbreaking.
I've seen videos and satellite photos of Japan before and after the disasters, and it's frankly sickening.
To know that so many houses, buildings, cars, lives.. were swept away or burnt to the ground.
It feels almost weird to be going on about our lives just like any other day; work, college, shopping, even driving.. when somewhere on the other side, peoples lives are falling apart.
Somewhere else, there are things more important than meeting a deadline, getting to school on time or finishing a homework.
This is a hard slap in the face telling you.. you know what? In the end, everything you have, everything you ever owned could be taken away that easily.
This is not the first time I feel as if we are only small LEGO-like figures in the hands of a higher being.
We could all be swiped away just like that, by a careless hand.

At least, my Jappy teachers have replied and said they're both fine, although experiencing shortage in food supply.. and of course, occasional tremors.. still.
I hope all the J-rockers are fine too :S

My ass of a classmate actually commented saying he would like to experience a tsunami.
And that is the most insensitive thing I have ever heard anyone say.
It is not even remotely funny, as he most likely thinks it is.
There are people dying out there, missing or dead.. and here in the safety of our country's geographic location, he thinks it is all fun and games.
If he was in Japan at that time, he'd most likely be the idiot who runs to get a closer look and the first to die.

And I repeat, this is NOT 2012. This is what we have done to the Earth.
This is not Mother Nature being cruel. This is what we have done to incite her wrath.
And this is not about prayers. This is about actually doing something with more substance.
I haven't found a call for donations yet. If only I could be a volunteer, I would.

Satellite Photos; Japan Before and After Tsunami
Images of Japan

"ironically, individuality is not a trait shared by everyone"

2011-03-12T07:57:00.000-08:00

Just as I was leaving work yesterday, there was (quite) a huge commotion at my office as everyone read the news of the earthquake that hit Japan.
On the way home, Lyd called to tell me about it too. And while we were discussing about the situation in Japan, if there was anyone we knew and if they were okay (she has a (distant) family there, and I have my 2 Jappy teachers), we also couldn't help but notice EVERYONE making some sort of connection to 2012.
Really, guys.. do you think that's helping with the situation?
How about concentrating on what's going on NOW, rather than what we all think may (or may not) happen next year.

Parents + Yung left for Penang today, so Lyd came over to take me out for lunch and we came back for a Supernatural marathon. (Dean Winchester!)
There is actually a reason why I do not watch the series, and Lyd knows it.. but for some reason still thinks I should -_- So, I spent the rest of the afternoon hiding behind the cushion.
I still think our day would have been better spent with the XBox.
Now I'm home alone because she can't stay over, and my brothers have conveniently chose tonight to go to Zouk. Which means I won't expect them home until (at the very least) 7am.
And random scenes from Supernatural keep popping up in my head. Gah.
Aah. I can't sleep, knowing I'm alone at home.
Guess it's a movie marathon night.

the week that passed and the week yet to pass

2011-03-08T03:33:00.000-08:00

Small event job last Friday (only Lyd, Nutty, CY and I) at IOI Resort, aka some place really far away.
While we were setting up the hall, the band guys came in for sound-check, and this guy had a really awesome-sounding bass that I actually stopped tying ribbons to listen to him.

Finally, our promotional video submission on Monday. It wasn't really what I had in mind, but hey, it's a group project and I can't always have the final say. I think it's funny though, that Mr Redzwan and I had the same thoughts while watching the video; that somewhere along the way, the video turned out more to be 'love story in KL' than 'let's promote KL!'. But whatever, as long as I have it out of the way.

See, this is one of the reasons why I dread going out sometimes, because I ALWAYS end up at a bookstore. I finally found the January issue of Nylon Guys with the X-Japan (Yoshiki) interview! :)

But right now, high above Manhattan, [Yoshiki] Hayashi ponders himself as a superhero. Does he have superpowers? "I may," he says, then laughs. "I don't know yet." Does he have a tragic flaw? A secret weakness? "Hmmm," he says, turning the question over for a while, then finally answering: "Loneliness".

Aww :(

on the other hand, i am now the proud owner of...

2011-03-02T07:44:00.000-08:00

4 days to submission and we're not done!
I should start panicking right about.... now.
I'm thinking of taking the day off on Friday just to work on editing the images and video.
At the last count, we exceed the time limit by 30 seconds, which might not sound like a big deal...
but I think it is.
But when we tried editing some extra parts out to fit 1 minute, the video looked really choppy..
Should we just go ahead with the longer video anyway? (Yes)

Work's getting stagnant again.
All the rush for the deadline that never was.
Today (the day we're supposed to submit our drawings), Cat tells me we actually have another week or so before handing up the working drawings.
Wtf? Really, wtf!

woolgathering

2011-02-26T08:03:00.000-08:00

Do not ever underestimate stop motion videos.
2 weeks, we're barely even done. Currently, we have over 4,000 photos for at least 12 different scenes.
Still trying to sort through/ pick the right ones for final editing.
Thank God for the deadline extension.
I doubt we could finish by this coming Monday.
Bear in mind the video is supposed to be only a minute long.

Work for the past week was slightly insane, OT-ed everyday because we have a tender deadline coming up for the working drawings of the Palace hotel refurbishment. And they have A LOT of rooms. 2 plans + 10 elevations for each. I don't even have time to go out for lunch.
And honestly, when I come home, I'm too beat to even go out for dinner, let alone sit in front of my lappy editing photos after photos.
And yet, that is exactly what I'm doing.

By sheer luck (again?), this book I wanted (which is slightly pricey) happened to be on sale in Kino (book of the month!) and I, of course, nabbed it without a second thought. Buahaha. Awesome.

"hubris, n.

Everytime I call you mine, I feel like I'm forcing it, as if saying it can make it so. As if I'm reminding you, and reminding the universe: mine. As if that one word from me could have that kind of power."

Anyway, the word 'hubris' actually means overbearing presumption or arrogance. And his example is so interesting... :S I honestly never would have thought of it that way. I suppose that's why he's an author and I'm not.

"sometimes, i can hear my bones straining under the weight of all the lives i'm not living"

2011-02-19T21:44:00.000-08:00

I can't remember where I read that before.

Toured around KL for our latest video assignment.
KLIA, Thean Hou Temple, Little India Brickfields, Bukit Nanas, Central Market & Petaling Street all in a day.
I don't think I've ever been to all these places as often ever since I started college.
They make really good spots for taking photographs though.
I hope the promotional video works out well in the end.

"He is only a human," said the great fox, "while you are a fox. These things rarely end happily."
I finished Neil Gaiman + Yoshitaka Amano's The Sandman: The Dream Hunters.
The story is based loosely on a Japanese fairytale; about a monk, and a fox who fell in love with him. It was not a typical happy ending but I'd like to think that the fox spirit and the monk managed to be together in the end, in a world different from ours. It is still sad though.
The art is really dreamy. That's the difference between American and Japanese comics; American artists have harder strokes, whereas Japanese artists are more graceful, with fluid strokes and softer color palettes.
*sigh*
Is that a weird past time? Reading and analyzing ~~too much~~?
Sometimes, I think none of the people I know actually have anything in common with me.

Some random pictures from yesterday's tour.
Aunt is encouraging me to take a deeper interest in photography if that is what I like, she said.
Sometimes, I feel that she is more supportive of my interests than my parents.

i have a monster bag

2011-02-16T06:52:00.000-08:00

Blogging at work just because I ~~can~~ am bored.
Shopping spree with Lyd and CY yesterday completely wiped me out. As in, cash. This could be the first time we went to a mall with no intentions of going to a bookstore. Pyramid is cooler than I thought. This shop has that monster bag I wanted for a really long time.
And then we went to Kinokuniya in the evening, and that wiped me out again.

After that, dinner + more pervy jokes.
And then we went to CY's house where I pawned all their asses in Monopoly Deal.
I could have had a winning streak if they didn't gang up on me :(

I need more part time jobs!

I finally have my illuminated star globe. On discount!! Its so pretty when it lights up *_*
Which reminds me, I haven't fix the Star Planetarium Kenny bought for me.

i am not kidding

2011-02-14T07:41:00.000-08:00

I dreamt of my grandmother.
I dreamt I woke up to the feeling of somebody stroking my hair, and it was my grandmother.
She spoke to me this time. She was smiling so happily.. she looked different.
She asked me if her new clothes were nice, and my mom (in my dream) answered "Yes, of course, I 'burned' it for you". I remember her clothes were black, with pink flowers.
I asked her about my grandfather. And she said she "came alone, but will bring him back with her next time".

Upon waking up, I told my mother about the dream.
When I came back from college in the evening, she said "I told your dad about your dream just now. And he did 'burn' clothes for your grandmother on the eve of CNY. They were black with pink flowers".

I really did not know about this.
On the eve of CNY, I was in OUG the whole day so I couldn't have known that he even bought anything for my late grandparents.
Is this a coincidence?

2011-02-13T08:27:00.000-08:00

It rained.

If He was trying to grant my wish, He was 3 hours late.
After all that running about under the (scorching hot) sun (my back felt like it was burning at one point), we were just sitting down inside the tent to take a short break when it started raining and we rushed back out to collect all the props.
Lugging trays after trays of cups fill with water + oil was not cool either.
They decided to propose something new and we worked with oil and wicks this time (the ones used in Chinese altars), instead of water and floating candles. My hands were well moisturized by the end of the event.
Also, I found myself working with a real idiot.
He is so amazingly stupid.
He tried to pour the extra water + oil mixture onto the grass, and I said "No, don't.. you'll kill the grass."
And he said "Huh?? Why?" (Did we not learn this in primary school?)
After I explained to him, he said "Oh.. whatever. Nobody cares."
I do. And I (not so subtly) told him I didn't give a crap what he thought but he's going to walk to the drains. Even Lyd noticed I was pissed, and I hardly ever get mad at people, especially ones I've just met. (From this point onwards, I decided I would be mean to him for the rest of the day)
He thought asking about (Lyd's) weight was a 'sensitive' question.
He thought girls with makeup look like men.
He says girls shouldn't like anime.
He does not know what domestic violence is.
He cannot spell 'vanilla'.
He is a sexist and a homophobe.
Enough said.

I got to watch some pretty awesome fireworks up close!

i'm - and you're -

2011-02-11T10:15:00.000-08:00

Reunion dinner with the SAS Form 6-ers..
I'm pretty glad we do this every year, because otherwise, I would have lost contact with everyone else.
After dinner, JS said 'let's go for a drink' and somehow, we ended up at a bar in DJ.
I don't know if it's because of the beer or the Long Island I shared with Celine (or a mash-up of both the drinks), but now I can't sleep.
And I'm dead tired.
Will have to wake up in another 5 hours for work.
Astrofest. I have no idea what's that.
It's going to be a looong day.
I kinda regret agreeing to it now.
Lyd just texted and said "bring sunblock because setup will be under the afternoon sun."

I hope it rains.

Oh wait, no I don't. Lugging wet table and chair cloths under the rain = not cool.

what are you thinking right now?

2011-02-08T22:29:00.000-08:00

Tomorrow will be the last day of my holidays, until the end of internship in April.
Another 10 weeks to go. Time really does fly, doesn't it.
I thought 6 months would ~~feel~~ be longer than this.
And then.. my final semester of college.
I am nervous. Right now, just thinking about it.
Slight dread that I will have to go back to sleepless nights and stress, slightly relieved that it'll be the end, slight anticipation on what would happen after the end..
And ~~slightly~~ sad that if what you told me that day was true, that means I won't be seeing you in college anymore.... or seeing you ever again, anywhere. Because our paths never cross outside of college.
I wish I could do something about it.
I wish I had the courage to do something about it.
But I don't.
So after this year, or the next 4 months, we will be strangers to each other.

....

Singapore was an awesome diversion. Days were spent exploring other sides of Singapore this time. My parents had never been to Clarke Quay so we took a trip there on Saturday night to experience the night-life. I wished we could have sat down and enjoyed a proper drink, the bars looked really nice. Or if we had more time, we could have gone to Marina Bay to see 'the ship on the buildings'. I call it Noah's Ark. If there's ever a Great Flood in Singapore, I would know where to run to.
I have developed a slight obsession with Lego, from my childhood days. The Star War ones are really nice!! Its expensive though, and I do not have the means to start a new collection.... yet.

Thanks to my uncle. Mom said I am shamelessly spoiled by my family, even though I did not ask for it. But still, awesome! :D

On the way back Monday afternoon, they decided to stop by Malacca for food (yes! asam laksa!). I am surprised by how much it has changed. It started raining soon and Dad refused to stop by the side to let me take photos of some buildings, so I had to snap them on-the-go.

I finally have a dreamcatcher again.

who do you turn to when there's no one left

2011-02-04T22:57:00.000-08:00

"Its weird though, that we are doing X-Japan now. We never thought of doing it. When we broke up, that was it. It's.. That's very strange."
-Yoshiki

By coincidence, I found an X-Japan app for iTouch :D So awesome!
Also, the news Yoshiki mentioned turned out to be a REALLY GOOD one.
Not only are they not disbanding, they have signed a 3 year deal with EMI to release a new album!
This means they'll be around for a while more, and ~~hopefully~~ most likely holding concerts around US.
3 years.... I think I would be able to catch at least ONE right?

Speaking of good news, the trailer for 世界一初恋 is out! Or has been for a while, I don't know, I haven't been keeping up to date.
News is that the anime will be out in April 2011, and while I am happy, I am also surprised it is still going on, in light of the new law on banning anime and manga deemed harmful to youths, aka materials containing/depicting sexual acts. And especially considering one of the guys supporting this new ban happens to be an anti-gay.
The thing is, I think its really stupid.
Because you can't undo what everyone already knows.
Just because they don't read about it, doesn't mean people don't know about homosexuals and all that.
And all this has been around for so many years (its already a culture of Japan), I don't know why he's only trying to put a stop to it now.
Who here doesn't relate unproportionately-chested girls with skimpy outfits to Japanese comics?
I've been reading Doraemon since I was.. I don't know.. 7 or 8, and Nobita goes through the どこでもドア (Go-anywhere door?) every time to peek at Suzuki when she's bathing. Isn't that counted as sexual harassment or something? I would like to see them ban Doraemon.
My opinion is, you don't put out a fire only AFTER it has burned everything down.
Because it doesn't change a thing.

in another place and another time

2011-02-03T09:55:00.000-08:00

What I look forward to during CNY 15 years ago..
1. New clothes
2. Seeing all my extended family members
3. Yes, ang pow..

What I look forward to during CNY now..
1. College break!!
2. My aunt's home-made pineapple tarts.. once you've eaten hers, you never want ANY other. I kid you not. Every year she makes a big jar specially just for me :) (which I then hide from my brothers)
3. New clothes.. contrary to what anyone would think, I hardly have a reason to buy new clothes any other time of the year. There are more reasons to buy new books.

First day of CNY and I'm just glad I don't wake up thinking about assignments. I never thought there would be a day I feel such joy, just being able to sit and watch chinese re-runs. And I will repeat this again (even if no one cares to listen), Donnie Yen is a HUNK. I love watching him fight, so fluid and graceful even if he is breaking off people's necks and legs, plus it helps that he has awesome abs and arms AND HE PLAYS PIANO LIKE A DREAM. I want this man.
I'll be leaving for Singapore tomorrow! Because everyone is sitting around feeling bored, except my brothers. Lets just hope all the stores will be open, because I have prepared a list of books to buy in Kino, Singapore. Can anyone believe they actually have TWO Kino stores over there? That is my main motivation in wanting to move there. If that happens.

My aunt told me "Don't say if. Say when."

2/1/2011

2011-02-01T01:08:00.000-08:00

I have a new toy!!! \o\ |o| /o/
Happy Birthday to me in advance!

Say hello to my new iPod touch!
It is finally here, after a week of delay which included me (trying to) yell at people over the phone.
It didn't work very well though, because the guy (Jim) from the Apple Customer Service was ~~too~~ polite.
I have also added an extra 700 bucks to my IOU list T.T
Goodbye, salary.

Shon, if you're reading this, YOU CONVINCED ME TO BUY THIS!

I am happy though.
Most expensive thing I have ever bought myself, to date.
Even my handphone cost a lot less.

stalking Yoshiki's official twitter..

2011-01-28T23:22:00.000-08:00

YOSHIKI AND STAN LEE COLLABORATION ON A NEW COMIC!!!
OHMYHOLYDUCKSSOFCKINGAWESOME!
Please let it be real.

Gah, I'm sorry... even Matt says I've been cursing too much lately. And usually, my profanities just roll over his back.
I told him I'm beginning to realise how good it feels to curse.

I am still waiting (anxiously) for the X-Japan news Yoshiki said he would announce (since yesterday).
Please, please, please let it be good.
I'm just sitting here with my heart in my hands.
And I'm chanting "No disbanding, please".
Everyone's still so awesome! Pata and Heath (so fcking gorgeous), Yoshiki still rocks his drums and piano, Sugizo is an awesome 6th member, and Toshi can still sing!
Please don't let X disband.

she asked, how beautiful do I have to be?

2011-01-27T06:24:00.000-08:00

I think I spend too much time admiring people. For what they do, for what they represent, for their talents, for their achievements.. too much to begin thinking about how I can make myself better too.
Yoshiki, for his music.
Neil Gaiman, for his words.
Tim Burton, for his creativity.
Jingna, for her talent in photography.
Yoshitaka Amano, for his art.

In my dream, he asked me "what is that one thing you want to do?", and I hid because I didn't know the answer. I don't know what I want to do. There are too many. I find I can't concentrate on one when there are so many things I would like to pursue.. And he said "music. you like music. why did you stop playing the piano?".... I don't remember much about the dream after that. I only remember the part about the piano. And the reason I stopped was because it was getting hard, and I was getting too frustrated with myself. Because I was different. Everyone was good in sight-reading. I was terrible at it. While everyone was practising a music piece flawlessly, I was struggling, hesitating because I couldn't read notes as fast. The only thing I knew was once I managed to play the full song at least once, I can somehow remember the entire piece without ever having to look at the scores again. And while everyone had to keep reading notes, I could play the song just as flawlessly without having to look. The hardest part though, was getting through the torture of note-reading.
It seems that my strength would forever be at odds with everyone else around me. While everyone could have wonderful designs and sketches, they couldn't write about their concepts and ideas to get their visions across. And lecturers tell me, I wrote about my concept and explained my ideas well, but they can't seem to see it in my drawings. In a History group project, the lecturer complimented everyone on their painting and drawings, but told me that my article on the history and background of the temple was really interesting and 'made her want to know more'. And that made me want to knock my head against the wall, because I'm majoring in design and not journalism or mass comm!
Yung says I give up too easily. The moment I deem something too hard or complicated, the moment I had to really put myself out there, I give up and hide. Old habits die hard, I guess. People can take the spotlight, the attention, I'm fine standing in the shadows. Is that why everything seems to have passed me by?
I want to do something about this. I want to stop looking up to people and look at myself instead.

I can never read all the books I want; I can never be all the people I want and live all the lives I want. I can never train myself in all the skills I want. And why do I want? I want to live and feel all the shades, tones and variations of mental and physical experience possible in life. And I am horribly limited.
-Sylvia Plath

we're not meant to last

2011-01-21T08:36:00.000-08:00

So, after Wednesday, I woke up with 2 fresh bruises on my legs and my body feeling like it aged 30 years without letting me know. Waist and back were hurting and I walked like an 80-year old.
I am getting old.
Oh Lord.
Or it could be the lack of exercise.

I'm starting to hear (loud) CNY songs everywhere, and I'm finally feeling slightly excited.
CNY (still) brings back memories of my late grandparents. I can't believe its been 3 years(?) already.
The excitement in the morning of the first day of CNY.. waking up to the smell of incense burning and CNY songs blaring from the TV, eagerly dressing up in brand-new clothes and impatiently waiting to go to OUG to meet everyone else has faded. The only thing that is still the same is waking up to the smell of incense and loud songs, but I wonder if that would fade too, someday.
There seemed to be little point in dressing up when you're just going to sit at home, watching re-runs of old chinese movies.
And now we're all making plans to go somewhere else instead, because nobody goes back to OUG now.
An old shell of how everything used to be.
Is this the price to pay to grow up?

The guy who made Peter Pan knew what he was talking about. After all, Peter Pan is the 'boy who never grew up'.

how will you give something beautiful to the world?

2011-01-19T06:43:00.000-08:00

How much does a man live, after all?
Does he live a thousand days, or one only?
For a week, or for several centuries?
How long does a man spend dying?
What does it mean to say 'for ever'?

-Book of Questions, Pablo Neruda

His works are really inspiring, to me. I want to be able to write like that too.

when all else fails there's always delusions

2011-01-18T08:18:00.000-08:00

Talking to Lyd and she said "Yoshiki showed up for the Golden Globe Awards."
And I missed it! I wonder if they have reruns only on the red carpet ceremony-whatever you wanna call it?
Trust me when I say I've never seen Yoshiki (or any other important) Japanese people(musicians/bands) on TV.
Mtv is too mainstream now. Everytime I turn on the TV, I see the same people, almost similar songs.
You'd think there aren't any other (better) musicians left to play.
I want to throw something at the next person who ask me if I listen to Bieber.

I've been wanting to watch Black Swan for a while now. Why isn't anyone seeding it? T.T
And while my parents and I are making plans for a trip, I just realise this CNY I won't have to stay at home slaving over submissions anymore *cheer*
You have no idea just how happy I am.
Also got an unexpected mail from my aunt.
Keeping my fingers crossed for good news....please let it be good.

Yoshiki and Stan Lee!

when the city burned down we ran to the forest and promised never to build again

2011-01-17T05:55:00.000-08:00

Apparently, the only way to keep my curls.. well, curly.. is to slap on a lot of the sculpting gel which makes my hair... hard, for the lack of a better word.
Also, I cannot assume any other sleeping positions except for the coffin position (flat on your back, hands on your stomach) for fear of waking up with crazy curls.
At least now my hair has a reason to look messy.

Minor submission coming right up.
I don't really see how I'm going to find the time to make a model complete with branding + taglines by Friday.
Other than that, this week's gonna be good because I'll only be working 2 days *cheer*
There's a SABE gathering in uni this Wednesday, which gives me an excuse to get a full day off (with salary deducted, of course.. but what the heck, at least I get to sleep in).
But 1. there will be a pool tug-of-war match-off (Interior vs. Architecture, I think) and I've seen the other students who are mostly dudes twice our size and my semester consists of 9 girls and.... 3 guys. We have decided to try our luck in winning the Best Fall into the Pool category instead.
And 2. every semester are expected to perform, and we(they) picked singing.... songs that I DO NOT like. Miley Cyrus... really. Chris actually asked Mr. Redz (who will be playing guitar) if he knows any High School Musical songs. He replied "Are you trying to ruin my reputation?"
I so regret this..

なぜ人は星空を美しいと感じるのか？

2011-01-15T21:27:00.000-08:00

A belated (and really unexpected) Christmas present came to me last week.
A month ago, I was looking through back issues of the 大人の科学 magazine when I saw that they had a Pinhole Planetarium issue. Well, basically its an issue about planets and stars(!).
But then I realise that the issue was out in 2005.
My colleague/new friend, Kenny was nice enough to go down to Kino on that day to ask, with no luck of course.
I wasn't really expecting that they'd still have it since its been out more than 5 years ago.

Then.... one day, Kenny came up to me and said while he was at Kino during the weekend, some dude recognised him and told him that they actually have one last copy of that issue!!

Guess who has a Pinhole Planetarium now? :D
This present now rivals with my Kino shopping spree in Singapore as the best present EVER.
I can't wait to fix it.

source: OtonanoKagaku.net

that sweet far thing i call you

2011-01-09T08:28:00.000-08:00

And things are off at a boring start.
I must say, I'm bored with work and this is not even a real job yet.
Maybe I'm really not the kind to sit idly in the office. It was fun at first, but got old really fast.
Yet, there doesn't seem to be much interesting things to do in the office.
I just remembered, my 2010 resolution was to start piano again, which I kinda did but then college caught up with me and I stopped (again).
I wonder if I will ever fully take it up again.
That will be my 2011 resolution (again x3).

Last week, a colleague came up to me in the pantry and (randomly) asked "Have you heard [Justin] Bieber's new song?"
And (I'd like to think) I gave him a horrified look and said "Why would I know? I don't even like that kinda songs."
He said "Oh really? I just thought you looked like the type..."
And I was like "What? A paedoephile?"
He did not get it though.
What kinda vibes am I sending out to these people?

semester 5.5

2011-01-03T05:27:00.000-08:00

And so begins my (half) college life.
My weekends will now be spent doing assignments.
The furniture design class I was (sorta) looking forward to didn't work out.
Instead, we're doing advertising + promotion (part 2) again.
But we are having Mr Redzwan again for our lecturer, so I'm not complaining.
Site visits include night market trip this weekend, and a trip to SPCA. Awesome possum!
Had a chat with him after class to catch up, and found out semester 4 + 5's design theme this time is slightly radical; mental hospital/psycho ward, under him, Mr David(!) and 2 others. With Mr Redz leading this project, I'm thinking Batman + Arkham Asylum-style *_*
SO FUN.

Also found out our final semester will be starting in July instead of June.
On one hand, we get a longer break after internship.
On the other, we also end later.
So bye bye, autumn trip.
But Yung says we can go during winter instead :D
O_O SNOW!
At least I hope so. It didn't snow at all when Shyung + Yung were there.
Still, I hope it turns out.

'fragile things'

2011-01-01T19:40:00.001-08:00

"It seemed like a fine title for a book of short stories. There are so many fragile things, after all. People break so easily, and so do dreams and hearts."
-Neil Gaiman

I would like to think that because I wished so hard, BookXcess finally brought in Neil Gaiman's Fragile Things. I have mentioned before that I wanted that book for a long time now. What are the chances of it being another coincidence, along with every other post that I made about wishing for something and getting it? Is it too obnoxious to say that I eventually do get what I wish for?
Maybe its because I wish for such simple things that they are easily fulfilled.

New Year's was a quiet affair for me, just the way I wanted it to be.
I also thought it would be good to blog about The Rev's 1st death anniversary on Jan 1st.
I can't imagine how it must feel to lose your very best friend, almost a brother.

"To wait is not merely to remain impassive. It is to expect--to look for with patience, and also with submission. It is to long for, but not impatiently; to look for, but not to fret at the delay; to watch for, but not restlessly; to feel that if he does not come, we will acquiesce, and yet to refuse to let the mind acquiesce in the feeling that he will not come."
-Dr A.B. Davidson

resolutions, anyone?

2010-12-29T04:12:00.000-08:00

2 days till 2011.
I don't have a single resolution yet. I can't think of any this time.
I'm not much of a planner, so I guess I will do things all in due time.
...
In the spirit of Christmas, I dug through all my old books to find and read A Wallflower Christmas again.
Its my favorite holiday book :)
Christmas this year is a pretty event, complete with unexpected presents and awesome souvenirs from Korea (Shyung actually remembered I wanted a snowglobe and brought back 2 boxes of strawberries and Yung was awesome enough to buy me BB posters and allow me to steal one of the (oversized) hoodie he bought for himself).
Anyway, Singapore had some really awesome Christmas trees.
I wish I could have seen it all. As it is, I fell sick on Christmas day and everyone was forced to go home early (My uncles and aunt were secretly relieved though).
And so, I spent Christmas watching korean dramas on my lappy (Tae Kyung-oppa!)
Thankfully, I had visited Kinokuniya on Friday, where my bestest (yet!) Christmas present came in the form of my aunt telling me to "Go get whatever you want, and meet me here (at the entrance)."
At that moment, I did feel like a little kid at a candy store.
I ran straight to the Art section and got myself Yoshitaka Amano artbooks (Mateki; The Magic Flute, The Tale of Genji and Fairies) as well as National Geographic's Essential Visual History of the World to add to my collection.
I will pay back half of that though. I had to get all the Yoshitaka Amano artbooks at a go only because I can't find them in Malaysia, and they were the last copies in Kino (or so I was told).
Borders here used to have Amano's Coffin; The Art of Vampire Hunter D, but I haven't seen it since.
I hope its still around.

Ah, speaking of that, I promised Yung I won't buy books for the next 10 months. We're planning a trip to Korea next autumn. I guess that counts as a resolution. I'm going to leave myself a loophole though, because anyone who knows me will know that I can't possibly keep that promise. Maybe, one book a month?
Hard chance though, considering Yung will have total control of my atm card soon.
...
Random photos from Singapore.

Is this Orchard Central? I have no idea. The building looks good though.

You can adopt these bears! Unfortunately, only after New Year's, I think.

Awesome Edward Scissorhands motion globe, with my favorite (snow) scene of the movie ($222.01)

My Christmas loot!

there's a difference between child-like and childish

2010-12-18T08:39:00.000-08:00

I fixed me a Gakkenflex camera! :D
Its actually smaller than a Blackbird Fly, I think.
I wanted to do this baby up before I leave for Singapore so I can bring it along with me :)
The fixing part was really fun, took about an hour or so (including eating breakfast), and now I know how everything is put together.
The best part was when I finally fixed in the viewfinder lens and it was a slightly silly 'holy crap! it does work!' moment for me. I can't stop showing off to my family members.
I don't have the film yet, so I can't test it. Going to CF tomorrow, so hopefully I can buy some in Times Square.
I'm so nervous, I hope all the parts are working correctly especially the shutter. I have read in online forums that some have tightened it too much and the shutter won't close properly, or screwed it too loose and the shutter doesn't open as it should.
I do wish I had discovered 大人の科学 earlier, as they have the Stereo Pinhole camera about 6 issues ago. I would love to fix one of that. Think I'm going to go get me another one of these DIY kits soon.

Having an 'Endless Rain' phase again. I. WANT. TO. SEE. X. JAPAN.
I've seen the more recent X-Japan lives, and Toshi can't sing like he used to.
Please don't disband before I get the chance to see you :( It'll be the biggest regret of my life, sharing the same number 1 spot with missing Tim Burton's exhibition.

Its a dream, I'm in love with you,
Hold me tightly in your arms.. (The word 'madoromi' here means slumber or doze which probably links to the mention of being in a dream, but nobody translates that :S )

Endless rain fall on my heart,
on my heart's scar.
Let me forget all of the hate, all the sadness

I awake from my dream,
I can't find my way without you...

*awesome, emo guitar solo by Hide T.T*

The dream is over,
Even if I repeat voiceless words,
The gray wall is too high,
Depicting the emotions of the passed days in a dream
Until I can forget your love..

Yoshiki is my God.

the night before your life changes

2010-12-17T07:08:00.000-08:00

This is the plant I bought from my lecturer for 50 cents early this year. I'm not kidding.
"These are Japanese roses", somebody told me.
Very pretty, apparently they only bloom in the morning (because thats the only time I ever see the flowers).
They wither after a while.
And no, they're not blue. Its one of my photoshop experiments.

....
That night, everyone was over at your place, eating, talking and laughing with each other.
They are going through your photo album, and commenting on how pretty you look
in that white wedding dress,
"The groom looks good here too", they say.
And you smiled in response to their compliments.
But it was a smile tinged with nervousness that you try to hide, because you weren't sure how your life would be after tomorrow.

Cousin's wedding tomorrow night. I still think its weird. Maybe because she's only 2 years older than me.
I wonder how it feels for her tonight, knowing that by the time tomorrow is over, her life would be tied to another.

maybe some of us just aren't good in anything

2010-12-15T06:25:00.000-08:00

My first Christmas present is of course, from myself. Its a really cute musical jewelry box and the snowman in the center spins :D Now I have something in my room to remind me of Christmas. Lately, I've been fooling around with Photoshop alot, trying to create different image effects for my old photos, since they are just lying around useless in my EHD anyway. May have accidentally figured out how to create a slight brown tinge in my photos for the 'old' effect. Trying not to read online tutorials cause I think it'll be fun to experiment, rather than reading instructions.

Yesterday, I picked up Shadow of the Wind again, and I realised I have forgotten the beginning of the story! I'm making it a personal goal to finish this book by the end of December.

Made a friend at A&L's wedding dinner, and we went for lunch today. Personally, I have no problems meeting new people, and since he's A's friend and not a complete stranger, I figured it would be okay. Lyd seems slightly suspicious, and I told her something along the lines of how we shouldn't create something out of nothing. Its nothing wrong, making new friends. And she says just in case, I should tone down my er.. personality, so as not to give the wrong signs. That always seems to be the case, she says. But I wonder, how does one "tone themselves down"? I am the way I am. I'm silly, I make weird remarks, I laugh, I joke. (I'm sure there isn't), but in the event that anyone think there's something more, that really is out of my control. Maybe I just don't see why I should repress myself, or change the way I speak/act just for another person who may or may not matter to me.
I would be a hypocrite if I said I hated fake people, and then I turn around and be fake too.
I'm always going to be this way, and how everyone reads it is really none of my problem.
Either you hang around, or you don't.
Sometimes, I just wish people won't always try to expect something of me. Whatever it is you want, I can't find it, and I can't give it to you. If you think its painful for you, then it is so for me too. You are hoping for something you won't get, and I'm expected to give out something I don't have. Both sides of the coin are the same, if you ask me.

i lied and you believed

2010-12-11T22:24:00.000-08:00

I wish Decembers look just like that here. Pretty lights! Amelia and Leo's wedding in a while. I got a new dress (black, unfortunately.. the only other option is pink and we all know I'd die before I pick that.. There's only ONE specific shade of pink I like) and my hair curled just for the occasion. Thats the thing about doing design I think. Colors won't be the same again. Like, green will never be just green again. There's pale green, jade green, grass green, lime green.. You get the picture.

Aarinfantasy is finally up again. Thank you! I was getting deprived there. No new drama cds to listen to. Except I killed my headphones of about 3 weeks old. Just by tripping over it. The suckiest things happen to me sometimes.

Think I have about 2 hours to try and fix my new camera together before getting ready for dinner. In case my Kanji reading ~~really~~ sucks, I also managed to find a guy who translated the instructions online. Yay! Dad said no to me spray-painting some parts of the (camera) cover to look just like the Blackbird Fly, because I may spoil it, he says. Damn. What's the fun in that?

2 weddings and a holiday

2010-12-08T06:54:00.000-08:00

I absolutely cannot wait for Christmas holidays.
That seems to be the only thing that gets me by.
Its not that I don't like work (the pay's good), but I'd enjoy it more if the environment is slightly noisier. I've never been a fan of quiet places, and the office studio is exactly that.
It makes me want to sleep.
The only thing that keeps me company is MSN and BL drama cds but ever since Aarinfantasy is down for maintenance, I haven't been downloading any new ones. Listening to the old drama cds though, I discover something new everytime. After I'm done looking for meanings to the Jappy words I don't understand, I listen to it again, and suddenly everything makes more sense. Ever since our last Jappy class 3 weeks ago, there hasn't been any news of the next class. Which I'm secretly grateful for, because now it would seem we cannot afford to continue the lessons.

The japanese magazine I've been longing for is on sale! Pretty glad I didn't get it 3 months ago, because I haven't started working then. Its called 大人の科学, translates as 'Adult Science' magazine (my mom said 'Adult Education magazine' really loudly in Kino that had everyone within a meter radius staring at me curiously, most likely wondering what kind of adult education she's talking about) that comes with a DIY kit of a particular topic of that issue, for readers to fix so they can really see how the thing works. In this issue, its about lomo photography and the magazine comes with TLR (Twin Lens Reflex) Camera kit, similar to that of the Blackbird Fly. Only wayy cheaper. The camera does work, but of course, I'd have to fix it first and buy the film for it. I just hope 3 years of Jappy lessons can help me read (and understand) the instructions manual.

I've been told that there might be a change of scenery for us soon. So, I guess things aren't going to get better anytime soon. Again, I ask, why us? At least I'm going to be working for the next 5 months.
I also finally got my semester results. Everything is looking good (no more C's, thank you!) but that little space for my Design result is empty. Why?!? Should I be worried? Considering that's the most important subject.

Blackbird Fly

That's pretty much how the camera is going to look like. And the pink looks really good. Wonder if I can spray paint some of the parts before I fix 'em together?

higher than anything i've seen

2010-12-03T07:16:00.000-08:00

Its ironic that when we were young and full of energy,
we had to be trapped at home, for the simple reason that we were not old enough to venture out on our own.
There was always too many hours in a day,
and we wait impatiently for everyday to be over, so that we can grow up and begin living.
Or so we thought.

Now we're older, but not necessarily free.
Trapped by a pair of chains, called reality and responsibility,
and all the dreams we had, had to remain buried,
because there is never enough time for everything.
We find the days have grown shorter,
when it was long before,
and we find ourselves desperately wishing we could go back.

12 hours of sleep and..

2010-11-28T22:56:00.000-08:00

People that I haven't met for a long time (and one whom I will never meet again in this lifetime) showed up in my dreams last night.
The former were old friends, and the latter is my grandmother who passed away.
Days passed in my dream, and my grandmother never says a word to me. She only cooks as she used to, for me, day after day.
I also dreamt of roads I've never heard of, and driving to places I've never been to with Lyd. Halfway through, we got lost, because apparently the roads have changed. And because of the rain, the roads were flooded, so we had to turn back.
I also dreamt of fire on the balcony of the next house in OUG.
Woke up with a melancholic feeling because I miss my grandmother. Even if I did see her face for a short while.
I wonder what they mean.
Sometimes, I really wish either my dreams are straight-forward, or that I would forget them as soon as I wake up.

Work was not very awesome this time, but still eventful for all the wrong reasons. In this case, it was mostly thanks to the sucky location (with scary toilets that looks like they referred to a horror movie for the interior design, and also, the taps leak like mini waterfalls and the toilets/urinals flush by themselves for no apparent reason. I know this because we had to constantly run into the toilets (and sneak into male toilets) to refill the aromatherapy oils. The first time they flushed by themselves scared the pants off me.), and sucky caterers who couldn't do their jobs well, including hiring waiters who also can't do their jobs well, resulting in us doing their jobs for them most of the day because Lyd and I were assigned to the VIP dining area, so everything had to be more than perfect.

To begin with, the waiters came late, and marched in through the VIP dining area (which was already reasonably filled with VIPs), and that absolutely killed Aunty Birdy (Nut's mom, and yes, we call her that. I kid you not). She ran and yelled at one of the guards for letting them into the room. And then the food was really awful. The chicken was rotten (we had to take them away as soon as they were served), the curry squid tasted like rubber (I know because I ate it for breakfast), the fried long beans (that I ate for lunch), well, half of them was still raw (and smelt funny). Basically, breakfast and lunch for me consisted of only white rice. And the drinks tasted like they added coffee into the sugar, not the other way round (I know this too, because I didn't sleep the night before and I had to keep taking coffee to keep myself awake). And the orange juice they served for lunch had to be watered down 3 times, because 9 out of 10 VIPs complained that it was too sweet (I didn't bother drinking this one). All I could do was apologize when it wasn't even my fault.
Lyd and I were also yelled at by one of the Proton committee guys, because the waiters were lazing around and didn't clean up the dirty plates. While that incident just rolled off my back, Lyd was pissed at the waiters for a loong time after that. She kept telling them off, not that they listened.
And then the catering boss brought a woman along, dressed in tight clothes, skinny jeans and heels, who kept hanging out with us and strutting around the VIP room, asking us when is the Datuk coming, are these all the VIPs, blah blah. Which left us to assume she was trying to "catch the big fish". When she asked Aunty Birdy for the 50th time when is the Datuk coming, she got really pissed and told the woman off. It was kinda amusing. Because I've seen the Datuk. Not hot at all. We had to 'guard' his sports bag, I kid you not. I asked Lyd if he has a million-dollar tracksuit in there or something. And she said maybe the Adidas logo on his t-shirt is gold-plated and encrusted with diamonds.

There was also this cleaner mak-cik who kept appearing in the VIP room with her mops and brooms, even though Aunty Birdy told her off a few times, never walk around when there are VIPs in the room. But the funny thing is, she only appears when there are VIPs in the room. She's never around when the room is empty and thats when we need someone to mop the toilets. I believe she did it to piss us off, or maybe she, too, was trying to catch a 'big fish'. I was secretly amused.
It started raining in the evening just when the event was about to end, and Lyd and I had to go down to the stadium to collect the tablecloths. And they were soaked, like dripping wet. They weighed about 6 times their normal weight, and well, walking under the rain and hugging wet cloths was not what I considered a great time. Especially when they keep slipping off my arms, causing me to trip, and Jovan says to me with a big smile, "Wouldn't it be great if you were taller?". Gah! If I had any strength left, I'd fling those cloths at him.

The funny bit was while I was cleaning up the media room on my own at the end, one of the guys (Kah Wing?) emerged from the female toilet. And I was like "Dude, did you just come out from the female toilet?" And he said to me with a dead serious face, "Because the male toilet didn't have the things I wanted." And I said (without thinking) "What? Pads?". I think he was abit "wtf?" at me. Cause when I told Lyd and Aunty Birdy about it, they both knew he was talking about tissue paper. And I'm like "How come I didn't think of that?"
Lyd just gave me a look that might have meant "Cause its you." -_-

Longest 17 hours ever. Just standing/walking around.
I never want to see that place again.

Oh, the things I have to do..

2010-11-26T06:52:00.000-08:00

I've come to realise that I'm not the only one.
All designers are as fickle-minded, and indecisive, as I am. And what a bad habit that is.
For the past month I've been working, I've been doing the same detail drawings over and over again. The same material specifications list. Everyday, with changes. Every time I'm done, there are new changes to be made. I've probably wasted a whole forest worth of papers.
I'm beginning to get what my dad meant. There isn't a limit to creativity and every idea seems better than the last. But how long can you keep changing your designs? Sooner or later, deadline looms and you probably haven't gotten any further than when you started. Which is what's happening now. The main designer keeps changing his designs, and material selections, we can barely keep up.
I have no idea what went on during the brief meeting with the boss today, but I heard a lot of loud voices, everyone came away looking grim/frustrated/tensed, and told me to come for work tomorrow.
I'm like "Whaa-t?"
I can't, because I've already promised Nut's mom I'll work at an event.
And that sucks because I don't want to be making excuses for not being able to do something. And somehow, thats what it sounded like; an excuse.
So I worked OT instead, and reprinted all the drawings for amendments on Monday.
It took me an hour and a half to print all the drawings, so you can imagine what we would have to do for the next couple of days. I foresee a lot of OTs indeed.

Think I'm going to crash now. Work's at 5am.
Sadly, I'm not kidding.
The things I do for money.

That sounded kind of wrong.

Why is it Sunday already?!

2010-11-21T01:06:00.000-08:00

(Yes, I am slightly reluctant to go to work :S)
I can hardly believe its already the end of the month.

My weekend passes by really fast when all I'm doing is throwing Shimejis around my lappy screen.
Lyd intro-ed them to me the other day. Basically, they're chibi figures that run around your screen, crawling, climbing the sides of your window, sitting around looking bored and falling over. They also shove your windows around when they're bored. Imagine reading an article halfway and suddenly your window gets pushed away.
Oh, and they spawn too. Like massively.
You can also hold them with your mouse and fling 'em around. I kid you not. Slightly evil but cute!
I found a site making K-Pop shimejis. Why don't they have G-Dragon?! T.T

Went for Karaoke with Leena and siblings, Sofiah and Adam, yesterday. We got lost.... 3 times. At the same junction. And so we discovered all the roads to NOT take in order to get to Yumekukan next time. They've got so many J-Rock songs D: Including Dir en grey. I would love to see someone attempt Diru songs in there.
Trying to organize a family karaoke session soon.

AGH! Why didn't I return to the Big Bad Books Sale on Wednesday!? Because everything was sold at RM5!!!!! AhhH!! Dammit.

TGIF... again.

2010-11-19T07:02:00.000-08:00

Seriously, is there a place I can go to where I don't have to deal with as*holes?
No. I didn't think so.
A couple of days ago, a man walked in, called a briefing and claimed to be the project manager of the project that I'm currently involved in.
Which was fine with me. Until he opened his mouth, and I realised he was one of those people who got off on being really sarcastic, and belittling everyone else.
Was OT-ing just now, and really, I was just minding my own business, trying to finish up drawings to be printed, when suddenly, he lurked behind me and said;
"Wow, you're so good ar, scrolling in and out of the screen trying to look busy."
......
....
..
OMFG. Seriously?
I'm doing overtime on a bloody Friday, did you seriously think I'm going to sit there and pretend to look busy instead of rushing to finish everything so I can bloody well go home?
And then he said "Because I've seen some people who get so bored doing their drawings, but they want to look busy in front of their bosses."
And I very nearly said "Oh, really? Were one of those 'people' by any chance, YOU? BTW, you're not my boss."
This is the person I'm going to be dealing with for the rest of my internship.
Absolutely brilliant.
What was it they used to say, sometimes life throws crap at you.
This guy is crap.

Went over to Lyd's place after because she's home alone, and she made us dinner. Completely frozen assam laksa. I kid you not. I had to cut the plastic bag to get the block of assam laksa soup out, put it into a pot and wait 20 minutes for it to defrost/melt, slowly. Finally watched Togainu no Chi 5 & 6. I want some Shiki x Akira action! :( we're not going to get any in the anime, sadly.
Also, I have no idea why but I spent 50 bucks on an Ed Hardy mouse, which came with a free Ed Hardy engraved war tag. :D Gah. So awesome though, even if I'm broke now.

5belas

2010-11-14T06:20:00.000-08:00

MSID Students Saturday yesterday, held at Taylors' new lakeside campus.
Its like a mini Barbie world in there; you have a garden, lake, courtyard, Starbucks, Baskin Robbins... I don't even care about that. A 4-storey library though, makes me wish I studied in Taylors.
The first chance I got (after registration and speeches), I visited the library.
Ohmygodsoamazinglyawesomeiwanttoliveinthere!
I found about 5 books I wanted to borrow, including Neil Gaiman's Fragile Things. (I don't see any Neil Gaiman's in our library!!)
I called Lyd to tell her about it and she said:
"You went there for MSID, but you visited their library?!?"
"Um.. yeah."
"...."
I'm sure its not as bad as she makes it sound like. I wanted to visit their MAC labs too.
In the evening, Nikko and I snuck all the way up to the 9th floor, the rooftop, to watch the sunset.
So awesome, neither of us was willing to leave.
So yeah, 2 good things; a library and a good view.
Oh, and the important bit was UCSI nabbed at least 9 prizes this time around :)

Big Bad Wolf Book Sale at Sri Kembangan today.
I should have gone on the first day!! Most of the good titles were gone, I only managed to get Terry Pratchett and Carlos Ruiz Zafon's The Angel's Game :(
Plus all the books were messed up, it was kinda hard to sort through the titles. And of course, Dad kept bugging me to leave. Note to self: never go with him again.
Wondering if I should return this Wednesday. Its the last day.

2010-11-06T06:31:00.000-07:00

The most awesome thing about internship is that when 6 o'clock rolls around, you can drop whatever you've been doing for the past 8 hours, go home and relax (aka watch anime!!).
Of course, none of us goes back at 6 sharp.
Still awesome though.
One thing bad is waking up at 7am every morning.
I have forgotten how that feels.

Decided to pay a trip to the newly opened Uniqlo, and holycow, there were whole lines of people zigzag-ing across the entrance. Mom and Dad insisted on lining up, so Yung and I walked to KLCC instead, which served as a painful reminder that I am lazy and have not exercised in a gazillion years.
Dragged Yung to Kinokuniya :D and tried to wheedle him into buying me a book of music history called "The Life and Times of the Great Composers", with Mozart, Bach, Brahms, Chopin, Wagner, Beethoven and I can go on for ages. (Before this book, I didn't know Tchaikovsky was gay ._. But I guess I've never done much research either.)
He did so, with a comment "Do yourself a favor, and never get a credit card. You'll be in trouble."
I know, man. I know.
I can't help it though.
I lose all my senses in a bookstore.
People should know that by now.

This quote's good.
When you come to the edge of all that you know, you must believe one of two things: either there will be ground to stand on, or you will be given wings to fly.
-The Shadow King, O.R. Melling

2010-11-01T09:19:00.000-07:00

If there really is a time machine, do you think we would want to live in the past?

Yes, actually, I think we do.
I suppose there is a comfort in knowing what to expect, and also knowing that you would make the right choice this time.
Its like a video game. You can continue where you left off, or go back and start all over again.

5 days to go!

2010-10-27T00:07:00.000-07:00

I finally have my lappy back... for a bit.
Panda's been using it for his assignment, so I haven't touched it in days.
I missed the new chapter of Viewfinder!
Not much action went on though. Until the bloody last page. I hate cliffhangers!
CY, Lyd and I have somehow decided to write our own manga. Lol.
Apparently they want a school environment, and now we have this school filled to the brim with (only) bishie guys, and ranging from subjects like Chinese literature to Firearms. I kid you not.
Lyd and I are gonna design the building, and do a 3D in Sketchup. CY's doing the characters and outfits.
Lyd and CY will be doing drawings and I'll come up with dialouges. Because.. let's face it, I can't draw humans.

Finally met up with HanN on Sunday night.
I haven't seen/talked to him for almost 6 months.
Its nice to finally be free enough not to turn down invitations for a drink.
And he also completely shot down my L.A. idea. He's probably the only one who would tell that to my face.
I know he's right, because every problem that he pointed out were the things I wanted to ignore.
Let me go on ignoring them, dammit!
I know things aren't as simple as saving up and buying tickets. But I just need to feel like I'm working towards something, rather than just sitting by. That way, I won't regret so much if I really do miss it.

Lyd and I had work yesterday. Merdeka Awards at the Philharmonic Hall.
After the event, during tear down, I got to go into one of the concert halls to clean up. Gah, so awesome. I've only ever been in there once, when my aunt had free tickets. I wished I brought my camera along. Its not everyday you get to walk into an empty hall.
Also, 4pm - 1am = RM25.50 for parking! Insane. Thanks to Nut's mom and aunt who paid for it.
And we also got our pay immediately. Its the first time, I think. Which is bad in a way, because during break, Lyd and I ran up to Kinokuniya and reserved a few Jappy mangas that we'll pick up this weekend.
Bye bye, salary T_T

I don't stand a chance, do I?

2010-10-18T05:47:00.000-07:00

Okay, so I almost forgot, the Tim Burton Retrospective exhibition in Melbourne is already over.
Not so surprisingly, I missed it. And that, I swear, is going to be the single most regrettable thing in my entire life (!!!!).... if I can't make it for either of the final two exhibitions.
I'm telling you, the chances are slim.

The third stop is Toronto, Canada.
Seriously, dude.
Ticket prices are going to be insane.
I have checked the MAS website, there are no direct flights to Canada, I will have to stop at Hong Kong.
Even if I save up like crazy, I might still miss it, because it ends on April 17th, 2011 (still doing my internship!)
The only holiday I'm going to get is Christmas and New Year's.
So not happening.
Australia shouldn't have been the 2nd stop! T.T

The final stop for the exhibition will be at Los Angeles, USA.
I think I see a glimmer of hope here.
So I checked, there is a direct flight to LA. Exhibition starts on May 29th 2011.
Internship over? Check.
College starts in June? Check. Although I have to admit I can't be bothered right now.
Ticket price? Check. About Rm 1,300.
I beg beg beg and begged, my Dad finally agreed.
As long as I save up ~~all~~ most of my salary, I should be able to pay for my own ticket.
Of course, Dad wants to come along too, because he thinks LA is dangerous, yada yada yada.
I honestly don't care if I have to go on my own, go with a complete stranger, or go with the entire village.. I just want to be there at the exhibition.
Books are gonna have to take the back seat when it comes to Tim Burton.
6 months of work = no spending.
Hey, you gotta sacrifice for your dreams, right?

2010-10-15T01:40:00.000-07:00

If anyone had asked me what I dread most everyday, I'd say its the amount of time it takes for me to fall asleep.
Its good when I'm usually so exhausted that I fall asleep before my head even touched the pillow.
But when I can't, the moments that I'm lying there still awake, staring into the dark is the scariest.
I've got all these thoughts running through my head, like flashes of images. I can't make sense of them before they're gone and another takes its place.
I think darkness has a way of playing tricks on me.
And also because I've been reading The Forbidden Game.
All this talk about light and darkness, shadows, voids, what is reality and what isn't.
Anyway, from as far as I have been able to remember, I have been terribly interested in the idea of existence.
That's why I can never stand being alone in the dark.
Its different from being alone when there's light. That way you could still see.
But being in dark, its really easy for me to pretend I don't exist.
And I'm always afraid nobody would find me.
This is weird, but I can't imagine what it would be like to be blind.
To be in a constant state of unknowing, whether you exist or if everything was a figment of your imagination.

“If one looks at a thing with the intention of trying to discover what it means, one ends up no longer seeing the thing itself, but of thinking of the question that is raised.”
-Rene Magritte, Belgian surrealist

2010-10-10T23:20:00.000-07:00

I want to go to BookXcess.
But I'm also (still attempting) to save up (albeit in futile).
I've been making excuses to myself and putting off this trip for 3 days now, and I can feel myself weakening.
It doesn't help that I've been stalking the BX booklist online, going "Ooh, I want this title.. and this.. and that~"
Any minute now I'm going to just get up and drive out because I can no longer resist.
Gah!
Books, why u do this to me? T.T

whats that i hear?

2010-10-09T05:48:00.000-07:00

Ohh right..
1. FREEDOM (well, kind of. Final submission of Research report on 22nd October)
2. Happiness, because I was told I got the highest marks for external review. Muahaha!

I'm sorry. I'm not bragging. I'm just really happy. Shocked. In a state of disbelief, still. Because I was ~~almost~~ resigned to be content with just-average marks again. I have to say, despite all the stress, anxiety and the trips to the clinic, this semester has been good. This is the first time I felt like I have achieved something, after 2 years of design. Its like thinking "Okay, maybe I can do this after all". Also, this might sound mean, because I'm also happy I won't be seeing any of my college mates for the next few months. I have declined a trip to Johnson's home in Kuching. The only reason I can think of is the word "overdose". I see them every single day, for more than 5 hours, most of the time, weekends included. And it just kills me. They remind me too much of college. I'm happy to just stay home with all my books. I really do like being on my own.

Of course, when I say freedom, I actually meant freedom-i-can-sleep-more-than-3-hours-a-day. Not omfg-freedom-i-can-do-anything-i-want-now-including-sleeping-for-13-straight-hours-and-never-changing-out-of-my-jammies-the-whole-day-just-reading. I wish. Internship's coming up soon. I have an interview on Monday, and I haven't printed out my portfolio yet :S I have no idea what to show. And MSID's Students' Saturday has been pushed back to November 13th, instead of 23rd October.. so I'm considering pulling out from the talentime performance. I'm not sure if I have the time for it. I have the report to finish in 2 weeks, then there's that Jappy speech, also in 2 weeks (yes, my sensei postponed it T_T.. she would keel over if she finds out I haven't even started writing it).. and my Jappy exam is on 12th November. My Jappy has been deteriorating for the past year. If I were to steal the name list from my sensei, next to my name, there will be O's along the line because I never once passed up my homework. I just go to class for 2 hours, struggle through trying not to sleep, come home, put the books aside until the next Jappy class. I just really want to concentrate on Jappy now, for the coming exam. Ms Diana might kill me though, if I tell her I want to pull out.

I guess I'm just thinking that I'd rather do less things, and be able to commit fully than take on a lot, and be half-assed about it. Gah. Decisions, decisions. If I could, I'd go back to being a kid. The only decision I ever had to make was which cartoon channel to watch. Ignorance is bliss, they say. I concede.

"What is the point of being alive if you don't at least try to do something remarkable?" - John Green

2010-10-03T08:27:00.000-07:00

If you read a recent front page story of the San Francisco
Chronicle, you would have read about a female humpback whale who had
become entangled in a spider web of crab traps and lines. She was
weighted down by hundreds of pounds of traps that caused her to
struggle to stay afloat. She also had hundreds of yards of line rope
wrapped around her body, her tail, her torso, a line tugging in her
mouth. A fisherman spotted her just east of the Farallon Islands
(outside the Golden Gate) and radioed an environmental group for
help. Within a few hours, the rescue team arrived and determined
that she was so bad off, the only way to save her was to dive in and
untangle her. They worked for hours with curved knives and
eventually freed her. When she was free, the divers say she swam in
what seemed like joyous circles. She then came back to each and
every diver, one at a time, and nudged them, pushed them gently
around as she was thanking them. Some said it was the most
incredibly beautiful experience of their lives. The guy who cut the
rope out of her mouth said her eyes were following him the whole
time, and he will never be the same.
Source: pretty-bird.tumblr.com

Reading posts like this makes me question my direction in life. Most of the time. Even in older posts, I keep asking myself over and over again; What am I doing, really? Why am I following in everyone's perception of what life should be? Because I don't want to and yet once in a while, I forget... and I find myself being helplessly pulled along into this never ending race, where we believe that as long as we reach the line, we'll get whatever we have been wanting and that we'll be happy. But we will never be happy, you know. It will make us want more and more. I know this. And I'm still doing it. Which makes me mad at myself. What I just read... that is what I want to be doing, honest to God. I want so badly to be doing what I feel is right. I want to help. I need to help. The environment, the animals, needy people. I'm so mad when I think about the times I was busy complaining about having a lot of assignments and no time to read, that I don't think about the people who will never know what reading is because they're illiterate, people who will never go to college, and have a chance to complain about assignments. What are we all doing, really? Have we ever thought about that?

It sucks to be helpless, you know. Because right now, I'm not at a liberty to do anything for anyone when I can barely help myself. I can only yearn and wish I could do something, anything. So I should still try right, little help though I may be. I may not be able to help the environment or animals yet, but I can help the people around me. I will never dismiss another person's thoughts and feelings so carelessly again, I will listen more, be kinder, more attentive, understanding, helpful and forgiving, less spiteful, less.. whatever, you get my drift. I can't ever forget this, even for a moment.
I'm an idealist and this is what I want to do with my life.

Quotes inspired by a book I recently finished, Looking for Alaska by John Green;
Francois Rabelais - "I go to seek a Great Perhaps." In the book, it was referred to as searching for a meaning to our lives.

Simon Bolivar (Gabriel Garcia Marquez's The General in his Labyrinth) - "How will I ever get out of this labyrinth?", referred to as the 'labyrinth of suffering'. In my opinion, the suffering encompasses all the things we've done, things we wished we did, things we want to do but somehow, couldn't.

The book is really good.

This too, shall pass

2010-09-27T11:22:00.000-07:00

Been working on my lappy endlessly, tweaking my Sketchup model and photoshop-ing my presentation boards.
I've got bloodshot eyes, I nearly scared myself. Also, I won't be surprised if, by the time I'm done, the doctor tells me I'm permanently blind.
Been listening to Within Temptation all over again, while I'm working.
I love their songs, and that there's a story to each one. Also, her voice is O_O amazing.
I probably have to strangle myself in order to get close to the octave she usually sings in.
I know this because Yung tried singing it in my car the other day, and it sounded like he was being strangled.
Gah. I hate doing presentation boards. Apparently whatever arrangement I think is fine, is not fine to everyone else. After I finally print everything on Wednesday, I never want to see a computer ever again.
For a loooong while. I'm gonna hide my lappy somewhere deep in my closet.

Dad got me a 1TB external HD a while ago, so I've been downloading movies and TV series' endlessly :D
My semester will be over in 2 weeks and ohmyholycows, I can hardly believe I have a 6 months break!!
Okay, so the 6 months will be spent doing my internship, but I'm hoping I'll finally have the weekends to myself again, to do whatever I want. If I don't, I swear I'll injure someone. Brutally.
Its been 2 years of design design design, and seriously, enough is enough.
Ah crap, I just remembered, even if I'm doing internship, I still have 1 subject to take.
Furniture design for Minor T_T

Need to get started on my Jappy speech soon.
Missed class last week, and I hoped they would skip my turn, but apparently my sensei is determined to see me speak in front of the class, because she told Leena to tell me I'll be presenting on Tuesday aka tomorrow.
Great. Just great.

strange powers

2010-09-24T04:14:00.000-07:00

First off, I'm not an overly religious person.
Sure, I believe in Heaven, Hell, karma, reincarnation.
Hey, even if those places are not where we're headed after we die, I still think the idea that they exist, makes us a better person right now. What goes around comes around, right? You don't want crap happening to you, you don't be crappy to other people.
My favorite one, Wiccan Rede -> "An Ye Harm None, Do What Ye Will"
And of course, I do believe in God. A God.
And I will say this once again (because He keeps amazing me), God does work in strange ways.

Because I haven't been sleeping lately, it has affected my eating habits. So I haven't been eating as much as I should, gastric problem coming back with vengeance. Halfway through Practice exam today, I suddenly felt like throwing up and my entire body was.... I don't know, whats more serious than shivering/trembling? Like, I could feel myself twitching and jerking in my seat like I was having a fit. That really scared me. I'm probably already at my limit of no sleep and no rest. I quickly wrapped up my exam and came home for a half hour nap before going back to college again. And there was this thought that flashed through my mind at that time, I said to myself "Is it really going to take death to get them to extend the dateline?"
And guess what?
Someone did.
Pass away, I mean.
The UCSI Chairman's father... so Monday, coincidentally our Review day, is declared a freaking HOLIDAY.
Because they can't shift all the review dates for other semesters, so ours has been extended to Wednesday submissions and review on Thursday.
Freaky, much?

A classmate mentioned that the 2 times we had an extension for Design was when something happened to me. Like, that incident in Malacca and now this. And Bryan said;
"See? God bless you."

Thank You. I am grateful, really.

screaming bloody murder

2010-09-20T20:10:00.000-07:00

I don't want to complain, really. But I can't decide if I'm more stressed, frustrated or plain pissed.
Yesterday, my class found out our Design pin-up submission for the Internal Review is this coming Saturday morning. 3 days from now.
And we have final papers to sit for on Wednesday and Friday. And those subjects are not exactly a walk in the park (easy).
If we want to pin-up our works by Saturday, we have to print by Friday. Which is suicide.
I can't even decide if I should do my design, or study for my finals.
They are so merciless! And its bullshit about trying to train our time management for when we're working next time.
Because I'll tell you, when we're working, we won't be juggling 6 subjects, writing reports, doing presentations, and all that shit.
Even if I don't sleep for the next 3 days, which is exactly what I'm doing now, I really doubt I can finish everything plus study. Even if by some miracle I manage to finish it, its because I did a half-assed job just for the sake of submitting.
It's going to be really funny if I miss internal review for the 3rd semester in a row, because I just know I'm going to die a painful death.

This is what I need to do in the next 3 days.
1. The final Presentation boards (P1+P2),
2. A3 Size boards: 2 for Reflected Ceiling Plans and 1 for Must-Design Unit (choose Lobby Toilet/Multi-function Buffet Station)
3. A2 Portfolio (Hotel Lobby: Critique 1 +2; Business Club: Critique 1 +2, only the good and upgraded boards to be put in your portfolio),
4. Sketch book and
5. Model

I said "No no no!" to myself, but still, I did it again.

2010-09-19T00:40:00.000-07:00

I don't want this week to end. Or I want the next week to come as slowly as possible.
Been busy with Research report and IA Practice presentation/report (due tomorrow), I haven't even touch my Design work. AT ALL. Starting to feel a mild panic coming on.. which will most probably manifest into a full-blown panic by the end of next week.
Still haven't started studying for finals next week.
It doesn't help that my partner for IA Practice has been MIA most of the time. He completely ignored my phone calls and texts for an entire week. In the end, I had to literally stalk him by going to the office early on Friday, sit and wait for him to show up to submit his draft report. Thats the only way I could get hold of him to discuss our presentation/report. I haven't even mention he's the one who knows the format of the report. I've just been doing everything blindly.
I totally understand his situation, really. I know he has a lot on his plate, dealing with stress from Design, re-dos for both projects, exams and everything. But shouldn't we first settle the more important things now, like the presentation and report submission tomorrow?!
I'm going crazy trying to juggle everything on my own.

Okay, enough negativity.
On a more positive note....... currently, I'm not seeing any. I just want to get this out of my way so I can concentrate on my exams and design.

When you see something from afar, you develop a fantasy. But when you see it up close, 9 times out of 10, you wish you hadn't.
-Wicker Park

Is this true?

2010-09-15T08:53:00.000-07:00

In Jappy class yesterday, we were doing a topic on family resemblance. So there was this Q&A session, who do you resemble the most in your family? Which part? Face, body type, attitude? And when it was my turn, Kon sensei asked me, why are you so small (she emphasizes small by doing a downward hand motion), which of course, cracked everyone up. The thing that bothered me is, she didn't even use the words short (背が低い), she said small! (小さい).
Apparently, I was the only one who noticed the difference.

I got a new pair of high-cuts from parents. Surprisingly, my mom was very obliging when I pointed them out, I'm guessing she's just happy I finally want something other than books. This one's so awesome :D Now I want the pair of high-cuts in Onitsuka Tiger, I saw it when I was out with Chris last week. They're neon yellow, I can probably stop traffic with them. Save up! Save up!

Reading Dir en grey's Myspace blog.

We have a show in San Francisco today. As I was walking the streets around the venue I bumped into a sad looking dog leashed to a tree.
Why are you so sad?
Why are you so sad?
It saddens me that I don't understand why he is sad.

Shinya

Source: blogs.myspace.com/direngrey

Oh Shinya, you're so adorable.

あなたにあいたい！

2010-09-12T01:02:00.000-07:00

I keep forgetting finals are here! (and holiday's around the corner)
So, I'm not studying, as I should be. I've been glued to the TV.
I've got 2 exams to sit for, one relatively hard (IMO), because everyone knows I can't do maths to save my life. Especially if it involves memorizing formulas (I used to make up parts of the formula I forget, for Add Maths).
The other was supposed to be easy, except my lecturer can't write proper questions in proper English to save his life. Example of one of his essay questions: Explain the functional of resume. --> what I thought when I read this; does he mean write about a 'functional resume' (there is such a thing), or the 'function of a resume'? There was a 50/50 chance of me being wrong, so I tried to ask him what he meant, and he told me I'm not supposed to ask him for answers. Brilliant. And this is just one question. Imagine an entire paper with similar bullshit. A friend failed the same mid-term paper because she (also) misunderstood another one of his essay questions. And he asked her "How can you get this wrong? Its so easy."
It would have been, if he actually wrote properly.
I have a cause to be worried about this. Especially since he said there won't be anymore MCQs, just essays all the way. I'm dead if I misread anything.

What's in a dream?

2010-09-09T10:51:00.000-07:00

I had a... pleasant dream yesterday.
It was everything I wanted, and so so real that when I woke up, I was trying to figure out if it really did happen.
Even now, I can still remember everything that happened.
And I can't stop thinking about it.
You know how dreams usually fade the moment you wake, but this one didn't.

And it got me thinking about Inception. The whole another-world-in-a-dream concept.
I wonder.. when you dream about another person, would that person dream about you too? Would you share the dream with that person?
I imagine that in that world of dreams, there would be a lot of floating bubbles of subconsciousness(es). I say bubbles, because I imagine souls wandering when we're asleep. Ghost-like, but I won't go on cause I'm scaring myself.
And what happens is, your bubble happens to bump into another person's bubble, they merge and that causes you to dream about that person. Because they're in your subconsciousness.
Does that make sense?
I just thought it would be cool if this is real. If Inception is real.
Real, as in, dreams could be another world for people. A place where we could do all the things that we never would have dared to in the real world. Lord knows I would do a lot.
Or I could just do it anyway in the real world, if I grew some courage overnight.

"I did everything I could to be near you, with the hope that one day, you would notice me."
-Mad Men

2010-09-03T00:20:00.000-07:00

Oh, the A7X box has finally arrived. Lyd and her sis went through such pains to get it from the customs, because (no surprise) our systems are really screwed up and the people.. well, they're lacking a lot in the brain department. Lyd's sis went first because they called her to come check the parcel. So she went during the weekend, and after checking, they refused to let her take it because they weren't open on weekends. Lyd had to return to the same place on a weekday, walked to a few different places to get it checked/signed /blah blah before she finally went home with it. I guess, well.. there are (quite a few) naked chicks in the magazine, so they weren't gonna let us off so easy. Plus, guys in tattoos and black clothes = black metal, in their puny minds. I was supposed to go with her, but then the VRay problem came up so she had to go on her own instead.

Its so awesome. There are 7 magazines (same content), each member gets their own cover, then the 6th one was an image A7X when they started, and the 7th an image of them now (minus The Rev). Started reading a while ago and its sad. I would be bawling, if I wasn't reading this in a corner of my parent's bedroom (this is the only place with air-cond).

Synyster Gates on how, before The Rev's death, he was suddenly all fired up, working his bum off on their new album. Like as if he wanted to give it his all before going;

Yeah, he f*cking planned it all, that crazy f*ck. Knew he was gonna be gone before 30. He told my Dad that he was f*cking out. He said "I know two things. I'm gonna be in a famous rock band and I'm gonna die before I'm 30." He told my Dad that at 15.

Zacky Vengeance on The Rev, a week before his passing;
So he left [my house] - it was f*cking pouring rain - he was as sober as a judge. He calls me 5 seconds after he left my house, hasn't even left my neighbourhood, and like "Hey dude, I left my jacket," his favorite jacket. "I left it on your coat rack." So, I'm like "Dude, just turn around, come grab it. You're like 3 seconds from my house." I'm running outside. He said "Nah nah, don't worry about it."
I'm like "I can bring it to you tomorrow." He's like "Ah, no, don't even worry about it." Its like he knew, cause I always loved that jacket and he knew that I always loved it. And there his favorite jacket is sitting on my coat rack right now. I haven't touched it.

"It wasn't just like losing a band member; it was losing a brother, losing a best friend, and like losing your f*cking spouse and it's like losing your dream, all in the same moment. Its something that most people will never be able to comprehend, just really the most absolute definition of devastation."
-Zacky Vengeance

Day was bad at first, then turned AWESOME

2010-09-02T08:50:00.000-07:00

After a week of endless work, I discovered VRay refused to render my perspectives. And here I thought I would actually finish early for once. Went over to Lyd's place for help, still nothing. Spent 3 sleepless nights editing every setting, and still nothing! So I just used the images as they were (very fake looking), and tried to photoshop some 'lights' in to make it look more realistic. Didn't do a good job, I'll admit. Oh, and then I got conned printing the boards near my place. The woman charged me double of what I usually pay for in Cheras, and the worse thing is I can't say anything because I was desperate. After that, I went to college feeling so dead, with low expectations on the outcome of my final presentation.

I was so so wrong, its ~~almost~~ still unbelievable.
I think I might be the only person to wrap up my presentation in less than 3 minutes (we all get 5 minutes).
I only managed to say about 2 sentences worth of my concept, before I was interrupted and both the lecturers start a conversation about me, in front of me.
Ms Ida said "Actually, we know you can speak very well, I've been listening to you all this while, and I don't need to hear it now, so I'll just -" (This does not sound like a compliment -.-) And here I start thinking "Uh-oh.." (You know things are bad when they don't let you continue)
Then Ms Sii interrupted and said "Oh, then we'll let her speak for 5 whole minutes then -" (And here I go, 'thank you!!")
Ms Ida interrupts again with "Oh, if we let her, I'm sure she can go on until tomorrow.."
And here I thought "Oh crap, she's really not letting me go on, its really that bad?"
And then she continued;
"What you did is simple and direct. Its straight to the point and you did a brilliant job and I love it."
"I really loved what you did, and I think you managed to capture the essence of your client with your design."
"Frankly speaking, you don't even need to come next Monday because there's nothing to change in your design."
I don't think I was the only one who was shocked. I'm pretty sure Ms Sii just stared at her for a while too.
It was all I could do not to throw my arms around her in gratitude.
Of course, there were also comments on my work ethics. Again from Ms Ida.
"The thing I notice is that you love doing last minute work, but in the end, you still manage to work out something good, and that is a huge risk. Its a gamble, and I have to say you are really really lucky."

I'm not even sure if that's a compliment. The 'lucky' bit.
The thing is, I don't do last minute work. Honestly. I usually start out early, but I just have a really indecisive attitude. I can never decide on what I want to do, and I keep over-thinking everything, feeling like I should probably do something more than what I already have. And then, when the deadline looms ahead, I panic and only then do I finally settle on what I really want. If I could only be more decisive.
Went home feeling slightly awesome because I've never gotten comments like this before.
Your work gets picked on (and I say this in a good way) only when you're either the best, or the worst.
I'm definitely not the former, but usually I scrape through with enough points to not be the latter.
That leaves me with the average bunch.

Epiphany.. or something close to it.

2010-08-27T09:03:00.000-07:00

Have you ever had a day when you suddenly sat back and really take a look at your life and the others around you? And you felt like it was as if you had stopped halfway through when everyone kept going on, and there they were, slowly going further and further ahead; their lives were changing, achieving dreams and goals, going to places and all you could do was only look on helplessly as they slowly fade away.

Thats the amazing thing about FB, I guess. How you can keep track of the lives of people you don't even talk to anymore. Feeling slightly nostalgic and wondering what my old high school friends were doing, so I 'hunted' them down on FB, and (not so surprisingly) I found out most of them had already gone overseas. But the surprising part was even the ones who had never once expressed any desire to leave... had left. Scotland, London, Australia, Germany, Russia. Its almost amazing. And ironic, that the one with the most desire to leave is... well, still here. And most probably will be for the next.. 3-4 years. Yes, I guess I've decided to work here for another 2 years after I grad. Had a talk with Ms D about it, and she's right when she told me that if I had started something, its best to finish it properly before I start on something new.

Started reading The Forbidden Game after having bought the book for nearly 2 months now. Lyd couldn't stop talking about it before and she said, quote "Definitely way way way better than all the Twilight bullshit and your Edward Cullen". Of that, I have no doubt, honestly. Turns out Borders was having a sale on that book, so I bought it. And, from what I have read so far, I'd say its decent. Which is why I think its a bad time to start reading a new book. Because a) I want to finish it so badly (even though I already know Julian and Jenny doesn't end up together because Lyd spoiled the ending for me again!), and b) I am going crazy with final submissions!

"Suppose the devil was just quietly minding his own business - when he saw a girl. A girl who made him forget everything. There've been other girls more beautiful, of course - but this girl had something. A goodness, a sweetness about her. An innocence. Something simple he wanted."
"To destroy it."
"No, no. To cherish it. To warm his cold heart. Even a poor devil can dream, can't he?"
(pg 101)

Dates, dates, dates.

2010-08-25T10:00:00.000-07:00

I find that the busier I am, the more I want to read.
I think I just need an escape.
Interview draft submission this friday.
Minor self-promo portfolio design submission next Wednesday.
Final crit next Thursday.
Building Science presentation and report(s) in 2 weeks.
Draft submission of Research report in.. 2 weeks.
NEW BOOK COMING OUT AUG 31. Yay :D

Watching Howl's Moving Castle again while doing my 3D.
Ahh~ so awesome. I can't believe I put off watching this movie for so long.
2 years ago, when Mr R showed me the Howl's artbook he bought, I had wanted to watch, but all the torrents were english dubbed. After that, things got crazy and it slipped my mind.
This is the first clip Lyd showed me.
I swear my heart skipped a beat when they leaped.

The stars will cry the blackest tears tonight

2010-08-21T23:13:00.000-07:00

Why, oh why did I ever do a full height cube reception in my lobby?
It is hard to work around the void now, for my business club on the 1st floor.
My entire design of the space has to be based on/work around the void.
Which is why I've been stuck on the floor layout for over 2 weeks.
Gah. Need to work this out by tonight.

Experienced a sudden windfall.
Picked up money in my college and in BookXcess, which paid for half the book I got yesterday; Vincent Van Gogh's A Self- Portrait in Art and Letters. Oh, the joy :D :D
And I finally watched Inception with Celine and GS before it went offscreen. The entire concept of the movie is... mind-boggling. The idea of planting a thought or an idea into a person's mind and letting it 'grow' to change a person's course in life is... in parts, scary and fascinating. And the way they make you doubt your own 'reality'. Hard to explain. And JG-L is so gorgeous :D :D I didn't think anyone could pull off that liberally gelled-hair look anymore. The fighting part in the hotel is awesome. I told Celine "Its like watching Spiderman, only hotter and with a suit." Her only reply to me was "Ohmygod, sweat man." aka =.="
At least she agreed JG-L is hot.

Lyd came over at night with a DVD and we ended up watching Howl's Moving Castle.
And (I'm sorry but) she may have spoiled the story a bit for me, because she kept wanting to tell me about the story during the movie. It was kinda amusing watching her but I think there are some things better left for me to discover by myself, yeah?
*Spoiler alert*
My favorite part was when Howl was going off to fight and Sophie told him to stay. And he said "Why should I run away? I've finally found someone I want to protect. You." Sounds so much better in Jappy though. I thought Lyd was gonna beat me up when I rewind that part just to watch it again.
I also loved the falling stars part, when we discovered the pact between the fire demon, Calcifer and Howl, because when he was young, Howl caught a falling star (Calcifer) and gave his heart to save him, but with a condition that Calcifer works for him. I love the music here <3
I will have to watch this movie again.
Probably on my own this time. Lol.

From up here, the city lights burn like a thousand miles of fire

2010-08-20T10:33:00.000-07:00

My current favorite line from Story of the Year's song Anthem of Our Dying Day :)

Today, my dad said "I have 300 bucks. Pick; Japanese class or blood test."
And (without a doubt) I picked Jappy class.
Sorry, health. You're gonna have to hang in there for a while more :S

Am feeling a slight melancholic feeling coming on.
Today, a friend had a rough day and wanted to talk. As he was about to leave, he thanked me for cheering him up.
It made me happy, but at the same time, I couldn't help but wish there was someone I could turn to, who could cheer me up too.

"One day, my life is going to flash right before my very eyes
And they will all be images of you."

I wish I had black hair. Like really, really black.

2010-08-19T10:06:00.001-07:00

I have to change my floor plan layout.
And my lecturer said "You're still doing your furniture planning?? Everyone has started on their 3D model!"
I wish I could reply "So can I, if you didn't change my plans at the last minute."
I foresee many sleepless nights ahead.
Final crit is in... less than 2 weeks.
Imma start panicking now.

I'm so mad at my neighbour, the one who keeps yelling at his dog. I hear him every single day and it really annoys me. Don't get a dog if you're not going to be responsible!
Sometimes I do 3 point-turns outside said neighbour's house, and his Beagle puppy used to come running out excitedly and barking (at my car).
After a long while, today I did the same, but this time he just laid at the front door with his head on his paws and looked at me without making a single sound. Like he wasn't even interested.
And it made me sad to think that something so full of life was reduced to being less than a nuisance to his owners.

It kinda reminds me of this anime I watched recently; Spooky Kitaro.
About this ghost town haunted by the spirit of a Cat, and coincidentally, people seem to think that's the best place to abandon their pets and suddenly, they start to go missing (the humans).
So, they got the main dude (Kitaro) to go investigate and see why are the people missing.
And it turns out, the Cat (spirit) had captured the humans and kept them in cages for the other Cats (the abandoned ones) to buy as pets.
And I thought it was really ironic when the girl asked "How could you do that to us? Its cruel!"
Imagine the role reversed. Isn't that what we do to pets too? We call dogs and cats domestic animals, but its only because we cage them.
Which is the same as why lions and elephants aren't domestic animals; only because we fail to cage them. We're afraid. And when we do manage to cage them, we call them show animals, kept in zoos for our entertainment.
Don't get me wrong, I've been to zoos too.
But I guess when you really think about it, you'll realize its wrong to keep something contained like that when it has as much rights as any of us to be free.

2010-08-14T01:44:00.000-07:00

Not having to hear A7x's Unholy Confessions blaring in my ear damn early in the morning for once = most awesome feeling everr!
Waking up at 1pm comes a close second.
Critique on Thursday was awesome... in a way. Everyone was early and all pinned-up by the time 1pm rolled around, so the lecturers were happy and as Ms Ida says "Happy teacher, happy marks".
Not so awesome part = I'm still in the middle ground and/or safe zone.
Why, oh why?
After that, my first thought was to speed home and pass out.
Except we had to go out for dinner to celebrate Johnson's birthday.
And hey, when someone shifts the date just for you, you don't say no.
Went to Nikko's place and conked out there instead.
For a while, at least.
Dinner at this place called Kaki Corner. Ugh.
I have nothing against roadside eateries, but I usually avoid them at all costs because that's where the cockroaches usually come out to play.
So basically, I sat there for about 3 hours keeping my eyes on the ground, ready to leap away at the first movement. And sure enough, after a while, I spotted 3 running around the road and another 1 behind this unsuspecting girl's chair. I kept my feet aboveground after that.

If I could rid the world of one thing, it wouldn't be killers, rapists or animal hunters. It would, without a doubt, be cockroaches.
Yes, I'm selfish that way!

2010-08-13T09:06:00.001-07:00

We've been "only just" surviving for so long, it has become a lifestyle for us.
I've gotten used to it, and I don't mind. I don't complain.
I never needed a lot, (most probably) never will.
I don't have any extravagant tastes or hobbies.
My only interests are books, and my Jappy class.
Now, even more than ever, I have to cut down on one, and quit the other.
And as selfish as it may sound, I really don't want to have to give up on either.
I feel like that's all I have.
I've given up on piano before. And occasionally, when I think about it, I still regret making that decision.
And this is when I begin to feel resentful.
Are things never to get better?
They always do, for a while, and that gives us hope.
And just as fast, that hope is taken away, and we're back to the same.
I've sacrificed, I've given up on things I want, I've gone through the toughest times and I've done everything I could (at risk to my own health even) yet, it all amounts to nothing.
Which leaves me to think, its never going to get better.
We'll just have to go on like this.

2010-08-10T10:00:00.000-07:00

Oh, the horror of rumors and/or jokes.
A harmless joke among a bunch of friends suddenly turned real, and I happen to be smack right in the middle of it. Why me?
I've got no time for this!

Lately, I've been obsessed with a person I barely even know.
Only because it seems like we have stuff in common.
And I'm thinking "Oh, finally~..."
Trust me, being in a college where everyone only speaks Mandarin and thinks Metallica is an 'anime' is pure torture ~~most of the time~~ sometimes.
They also can't stand loud, screamy (optional) music either (the way I like mine) so its safe to say we have nothing in common.
I draw the line at having to speak in chinese everyday to suit everyone.
Basically, we all make good friends in class, but out of it, I doubt we click so much.
Anyway, I don't care about that or anything else right now. I just want to finish this semester without breaking down and hopefully I can use that 6 months of internship to SLEEP.
At least, earlier than 5am.

2010-08-09T20:07:00.000-07:00

There is something I need to change about myself.
Which I will, from this day forth!

The last 2 days have been busy, in a relaxing way which is what I need.
Attended my brother's convocation on Saturday with Mom because Dad had a last minute appointment. We stayed for a really short while, because apparently to my brother, a foosball competition was way more important than his graduation. He made some excuse to leave right after he received his cert, which was only 15 minutes into the ceremony. Lyd picked me up to go to the BlackLineEffort, then dinner at Central Market. I wish more effort was put into promoting Annexxe Gallery. I think the galleries are so nice, but it is quite literally unknown, half the shops look like they have been left abandoned and the building (in my opinion) was not kept in a good condition. What a waste. I wish Malaysia would put more effort into promoting their arts and crafts (because isn't that what we're supposed to be famous for? You know, Batik and such) and also conserving their old buildings (we drove past and saw the wreck they made at Pudu Jail).
Again, I say, what a waste.

Dim sum with Form 6 friends yesterday. And yet again, I ask, why do people always doubt me when I say I'm busy? It is frustrating to talk when everything you say just rolls off everyone's back. So, I give up. I shall never venture into the topic of my ~~unbelievably insane~~ schedule when I'm with them, because there's no point. Was supposed to watch Inception after but GS couldn't get the tickets, so we decided to watch Salt instead. That is, until my guilty conscience kicked in 5 seconds later, and I bailed out on the movie to go home and work on my plans. And again, everyone and their "Oh, you can't even spare half a day to hang out with us?.. Aiyo, alot of excuses la... You can't be that busy!"
Yes, I can actually.

2010-08-06T00:15:00.000-07:00

Well, I am back from Malacca.
Full day ahead of schedule, and alone.
Damned heart.

During dinner at M yesterday, my heart acted up again. Irregular heartbeats.
As we left, it suddenly started racing and I couldn't breathe.
That was when PS called, and I couldn't even string a sentence together without gasping for breath. I don't even know what I had actually said to her.
It didn't help that I started crying and I guess that was when everyone realized something's wrong, the next few minutes were a big hoo-haa as everyone crowded around, which made breathing worse. My hands and stomach started feeling cold and numb, and my nose was blocked.
My mind totally blanked and I started panicking.
I remember being ushered into a taxi, sent to the clinic, and the doctor suggested I go to the hospital for overnight observation and a heart check-up.
Met my lecturers back at the hotel, they suggested I go to the hospital too. They called my parents and my Dad nearly had a heart attack.
All he said was "I'm coming to get you now." He was not kidding.
Also, my lecturer thinks I'm too stressed, and postponed Monday's presentation to Thursday.
(While I am secretly happy) I'm still worried though.
I wonder what is wrong.

2010-08-04T10:39:00.000-07:00

My heart feels funny lately.
Its normal one minute, and the next, my heart is thumping so hard, I can barely breathe. And I get irregular heartbeats sometimes.
Dad thinks its stress. I wonder if he's right.
I only know I'm feeling so restless lately.
Like there's nowhere I want to be, and I can't sit still.
And I can't help but keep thinking of.... ah, forget it.
That's the problem with my heart. It never listens to me.
It just goes on doing whatever it wants to, even when I'm screaming at it not to, and the only ending I get is disappointment or a trampled heart.

On the other hand, it seems that I have reached an important decision in my life.
Our internship requirements have changed from 3 months to 6, but because the contract we've signed with the uni was for 3 years, so that's still optional for my batch. After this, it will be compulsory.
The only catch is this; option A - if I take the 6 months internship, I don't have to hand in any portfolios or go for interviews and after I graduate, I will have to work for 2 years and keep a logbook of it after which, I can apply to be a registered Interior Architect.
Option B - If I take 3 months (I graduate earlier) but if I want to be registered, I will have to hand in portfolios, go for interviews if necessary blah blah. Basically, this alternative is fussier.
The question I keep asking myself is; do I want to continue staying here for another 2 years? Will it still be so easy to just pack up and leave? Won't I have already made commitments not only professionally, but personally, maybe?
My aunt and uncle have already agreed to take me in once I graduate, if I decide to move to Singapore to find a job. I know people keep telling me it won't be easy, but there are actually a lot of things I won't mind trying out, so really, its not that hard, right? And if I desired a job in the traveling field, my aunt said she had mentioned to her friends in the field that I am interested.
So, everything should be settled.
Except, option A is what my dad wants me to pick.
He seems to have pretty high hopes on me being registered, going on to do my Masters in Architecture, by this age you'll be blah blah blah..
Did I mention I hate it when people try to plan my life for me?
When people try to tell me what I should or should not do, it makes me even more intransigent.

I don't know if I want to graduate later. I don't know if I want to work here for 2 years.
Heck, I don't even know if this is what I want to keep doing.
And I used to be so sure of what I want.

2010-08-03T10:22:00.000-07:00

Is it possible to fall in love with a person you barely even know, and the only thing you did was read what that person wrote?
A purely theoretical question, of course.
I've been reading a book (yes, I'm procrastinating and I'm going to hate myself for it very soon) and it was a case of 2 persons who began corresponding through letters, not knowing who the other was.
It sounds normal, but the twists were good and I devoured the book in 4 hours.
Of course, design was left untended.
That's why I'm going to hate myself later.

I guess I can actually see that happening though. The world is such that people can be pretentious in the things they do, or what they say, if that was what they think you expect of them. I think writing on the other hand, requires the baring of a soul, in some way. If you didn't feel it, could you write it? I guess words and sentences to a writer is like what paint is to an artist. I've always felt an affinity with words because they tell me so much more about a person than a person would.
I've always thought it was weird that people would say reading is boring. Everyone listens to songs, don't they? Not instrumentals, but songs with lyrics. And what are lyrics if not words? Shorter, yes, but words all the same and they tell a story too.
If reading is boring, then I can only conclude that every song ever written must be boring too.
And don't say its because you like the melody. The melody is only a starter to the main course of lyrics.

Two..

2010-07-28T21:43:00.000-07:00

.. emotions I'm experiencing right now!
1. Joy
2. Expectation

Because its July 28th!
And I think my A7X collector's edition box is all wrapped up in a plane somewhere above the clouds and on its way here into my arms!! (Yes, I'm very excited)
We couldn't order it in Kinokuniya as planned, because its only available in Revolver's official webbie, but Lyd's sister was nice enough to loan us her credit card to buy it online! Of course, now I owe her my gratitude, and a lot of cash. But she says I can pay back slowly, so I will not have to starve as much...
...
... until I found out yesterday Danny Elfman and Tim Burton are releasing a limited edition box set (another one :S) commemorating 25 years of partnership, which includes a DVD, 14(!!) cds' worth of Danny Elfman's scores, and of course loads of interviews on the both of them. Awesome possum. Its not out yet, but I've signed up for the newsletter to receive news on it. Will probably be out around Christmas-time, so if I starve from now till December, I will probably have just enough to get it, since I think its going to cost a lot.

Five...

2010-07-27T11:00:00.000-07:00

.. emotions I have been experiencing lately:-

1. Exhaustion
2. Solitude
3. Doubt
4. Sehnsucht*
5. Frustration

If I could have one wish right now, I'd want to be isolated from everyone else for a while.
I feel that the people currently around me are somehow influencing me to turn into someone I don't want to be, and I'm losing sight of myself.
Change is inevitable, but I occasionally find it hard to accept, especially if said change is not done willingly.