the end of all i know

Been working at the store for almost a month now; cleaning, arranging, repacking, relisting.. the amount of dust and dirt in there is almost amazing. Also, you'd be amazed at how heavy those curtains, table cloths and chair covers (and even candles) are. Because its only Lyd and I at the store, we carry most things ourselves (if all else fails, we either drag or kick the boxes).
I come home everyday and spend a long time in the shower trying to scrub myself clean again.
I don't know if its my imagination, but I find that my hands still have a grayish tint to it.
The good news is, there are finally events (plural!).. we'll be heading to Sitiawan next weekend for an Astro event (and its by the beach!), and the week after that, to Malacca.
And then.. my nightmare college starts again.
I don't want to stop working.. mostly because I like the freedom it gives me.
I no longer have to depend on anybody else for allowances, and nobody breathes fire down my neck if I come home with 300 bucks worth of books.

It's been going on for quite a while and I think I've finally had enough of my family.
All these fights and moody faces and silent treatments and side-takings are killing me.
I can say with certainty that I'll be leaving as soon as I am able to get a ticket out of this place.
Maybe then I'll start living my life for myself, and not for everyone else around me.
I wonder who is really considered selfish: one who has been selfish for so long its already a constant, or one who finally had enough of giving in and wants to stop.

When I was given this car almost 4 years ago, it was a symbol of freedom for me. Call me corny, dramatic, overreacting but its true.
No one has any idea what getting that car meant to me.
Looking at it tells me I no longer have to depend on people who couldn't be bothered to remember to pick me up and drop me home. People who would get friends to do their chores for them.
It's been a long time, I know... but these are the kind of things/feelings you bring to your grave; knowing you were once a burden, and an easily forgotten one at that.
And now I am supposed to give up my 'freedom' to a person who only thinks about himself, what he wants and what he needs without a single thought to me. I have to go back to counting on people to fetch me to and from work.
Fine. I tried. I really did, but 7 years later, he still can't pick me up on time. And I'm working 2 roads away.
Not only does he make me wait, Lyd has to wait too because she can't leave until I do.

It won't be the first time I ask myself what does being a family mean.
It should be clear by now that I'm the only one who thinks the idea of a family holds some importance, because that's the only reason I keep trying and trying.. and not a single person returns the gesture.
Why does a person who gives in have to keep giving in, while the person who has been taking keeps taking?
It was always I who felt too much, while nobody feels a thing for what I try to do.
It is times like these when the urge to leave is the strongest.
And I can do it.
After so many years, I can say that this time, I can leave without looking back.

23

And I welcomed my 23rd birthday by watching (my favorite parts of) Howl's Moving Castle.

I have deduced that I must be a boring person indeed because when people call, they expect me to be out partying/celebrating and are quite surprised to learn that well... I'm not.
Birthdays don't hold the same appeal to me the way they did 10 years ago.
Anyway, I still bought myself a present; this lovely red pocket notebook.
Inspired by a tumblr I read, I've decided to keep a journal for 365 days; from this birthday to the next.
I am going to try and write something in it everyday.
I do hope I won't give up halfway; that seems to be the usual course of my life.

Happy Birthday to myself.
I wish that I will be able to muster up the strength to turn my life back to the way it was, before things started slowing down and turning into a routine.

An alternate universe

I hate reading books where people die.
Its just a story; fiction, fantasy.
It's not supposed to be real and it doesn't have to make sense.

So then why do people have to die?

it was a dark and stormy night...

And so we started writing poems again.
We're doing a Christmas edition, by rhyming our poems to some of the famous Christmas tunes.
And really, we rock at this.
I'm working with Lyd for the next 2 months.
When there are no events, I have to be at the store to help clean up.
And so far, there hasn't been any events.
So we've just been sitting around the store on our own.
We haven't run out of topics yet, between HIMYM jokes and perving at male models online.
There are times though, when I'm in a contemplative mood and do not feel like speaking.
Some people might actually find that hard to believe.

Today, we went to Gardens for lunch (if only for the air-cond), and we decided to give the food court a try.
Our first, and last.
BAD.
MISTAKE.
Bumped into a person I (honestly) never expected to see again (I mean, how hard is it to avoid a person here right? That, and we do not run with the same crowd.)
Lyd escaped the moment we saw her, I was not as lucky.
It was weird when she said "Things are okay already right?"
How do I say no, they're not? And they will never be?
I escaped after empty promises of "meeting up soon".

Sometimes, I hate when I bump into old high school acquaintances.
They remind me of things I want to forget.