Love the one you're with

But as much as I want to, I can't.

Because he will never be you.

I miss you in so many ways that I can't even count.
And all I would ever want is days and nights with you; I would fill them with conversations and laughter, secrets and hopes and dreams.

Aftermath

Remember when we joked about how it's okay for me to leave, after you've gone? 
Sometimes I wonder if I should have gone off first instead, ahead of you.

It hurts to be the one left behind.
Ever since my last post, I've been working hard at getting over you.
It's hard though, because there's traces of you everywhere.
I walk into the room and I still expect to see you behind that desk. I swear I can still smell your cologne in the corridor. That's how I always knew the moment you came to work. I check my inbox and I still expect to see your name, see you sending mails to me. I still expect to hear your voice when I call your line.
And against my will, I start thinking of you. And wishing you were really here.

You've left nothing for me to be able to contact you.
All I have is your email for work.
Should I drop you a message?
I want to know how you are. 
I wonder if you'd want to know how I am too.

Christmas and early resolutions

It's 17 minutes to Christmas and I only have one wish this year.
Oh alright, two.
I hope you're happy right now, wherever you are.
And I hope you'll think of me.

Okay, three.
The last one's for me to move on. I hope.
I won't forget you.
And I'll never stop loving you.
But I'll need to get over you.

The one person who knows this story would tell me love's too strong a word to use in this context.
But I can say, quite confidently, I do love you.
I've had months to think about this, to analyze how I feel.
Was it admiration, infatuation, respect, adoration.. the list goes on.
But I think love is just right.
I know it's not a word to be used lightly, in any and every situation.
And I know I'm guilty of that crime.
But love is different when it comes to you.
Every day for the past 7 months, I woke up and you were the first person I thought of.
You were the reason I looked forward to the next day, so I could see you again.
You were the reason I worked hard, because I wanted to help you with that burden you carried.
You were the person I wanted to speak to when I was happy, or sad.
You were the person I wanted to comfort when I knew you had problems.
You were the only one I could tell everything to, and for the last few months, I hope I was the same to you.

Unfortunately, I'm not the person in your life.
At best, I'm just a passerby and you have since moved on without me.
I guess I'll need to start heading down my own road too.. without you.

Okay, one last wish.
I hope our paths will cross again soon, in the future.
I know we can't be anything more but I think we'll make very good friends.
And that's good enough for me.
I can't be in the center but at least I'll be a part of your life.

Almost

Do you remember that day I came to speak to you?

We were talking about something else and suddenly you asked me to tell you what's wrong.

I pretended I didn't understand your question.

You said you could tell there is something I'm keeping inside and it bothers me.

You asked me if I could tell you what it was.

You asked me if you could help with whatever it was I was keeping in.

And at that moment, I was afraid.

It meant that my feelings were beginning to show.

It meant that my feelings had become so overflowed that I could no longer keep a lid over it.

And for a brief moment, I wanted to come right out and say, 

"It's you".

I still wonder what your reaction would have been.

Probably not a good one. Or you would've thought I was fooling around again.

I still smile to myself, thinking of your reaction.. when I told you I didn't want to talk about it and you said you wished you could just hit my back so hard, I would explode and tell you everything that I've been keeping in. You have no idea how much I wish I could.

I still think about that day... The day I almost told you I love you.

203021122012

Its 0830 right now.
The plane is taking off.
You're leaving.
The world may not have ended for anyone today, but it did for me.

Right now, as I watch the time tick and I know you're going further and further away from me.. at this moment, my world feels like it's ending.

Addiction

I want to see you.





 I wish you knew.

Two Sides

Just another 5 days. I'm worried that I won't be able to let you leave. I want to hold on a little tighter, as if I could stop you from slipping through my fingers. But I'm not supposed to, am I? It's ironic how everything is turning upside down and all around like a rollercoaster in my life and for you, it's just another day.

Little Things

You probably don't remember anything you've said or done, nor pay attention to what you said or did. You've probably said and done similar things to or for other people because that's just you, but me.. I'll always remember them. All the little things.

How you grabbed my hand when I tried to pay for our drinks in Starbucks.

How you called out my name in urgency, even though you were speaking to someone else, when I tried to walk out and you know I was unhappy. Did you want me to stay so we could talk?

How you called me into your room just to pass me the free Starbucks voucher. Was it because you knew I like it?

How you listened to everything I had to say, rubbish or not, and how you try to help me 'analyze' all my situations.

How you advised me every time I come to you with problems.. and I remember that one time you told me that my dad wanted everything that is good and well in this world for me, and how "it would break his heart" if someone broke mine. And I wondered if it would break your heart too.

How you tell me things in advance so I have the chance to prepare for it. 

How you see things in me that I've never known, and how much faith you put in me.

How you give me chances to prove myself.

How you've somehow made other people angry, because you wanted me to be able to participate/attend things you thought was good for me. I know it's not a good thing but it touched my heart, knowing when you made decisions, you had all my good intentions at heart.

And yesterday.. how you put a hand out in front of me the whole time the other guys were carrying that billboard past us, it felt as if you were worried it would fall on me. 

You probably don't mean a thing by it, but it does to me.

These are the little things that you do, that no one else has ever done for me.
You may have done them absent-mindedly, but it made me love you.

10 months is too short. I need more time with you.

Nothing is a feeling too

I need you to smile, only at me.

I need you to care, only for me.

I need you to ask, only about me.

I need you to feel, only for me.

I need you to speak gently, only to me.

I need you to laugh, only with me.

I need you to worry, only about me.

I need you to share your worries, only with me.

I need you to show your moments of sadness, only to me.

I need you to be everything, to me.

I need you to love, ONLY me.

Tarot Reading

Card 0: The Wheel (reversed); The Wheel represents constant changes, life's cycle, Karma, the flow of luck. Read upside down, it means I am resisting change, trying to fight against the cycle and therefore missing opportunities. The flow of luck turns bad when reversed.

Card 1: Four of Swords; This card is of rest, retreat and introspection. This is what I need. I need time to be with myself.. to recuperate. I need time to think, about what I want.. and to regain my bearings again.

Card 2: The Hanged Man; A period of waiting, the Hanged Man surrenders to a calm disposition of contemplation while hanging from a tree branch. I will see the world from a new perspective, I will gain acceptance of what is, what isn't and what will be. I will surrender the old ways that are not working, and embrace new thoughts and ideas.

Card 3: The Tower; The Tower crumbles, fabrication falling away, revealing only truth and what really is. The devastation remains, but the old ways will be replaced with new ones, and I will rise up stronger and wiser.

Card 4: Page of Cups; Pages symbolize youthful people, newcomers, people who are very new at something and just starting at it, apprentices. The Page of Cups is sensitive, gentle and dreamy with the soul of a poet. He delivers beautiful messages of creativity, is deeply empathetic and represents the beginning of a creative venture. Page of Cups may also relate to love letters and caring, thoughtful messages.

Card 5: Two of Coins; He is juggling two coins while balancing on the back of a running lizard. Life is in constant motion. I need to know how to juggle my needs and my responsibilities while keeping things in balance. I need to learn to move on, to remain adaptable to changes in life while keeping focus of the direction in which I want to go.

---------------------------------------------------

I started going back into tarot cards again when I realise I now had the means to support all the "hobbies" I gave up before. In other words, I'm collecting tarot decks. Isn't it a little funny how we always turn to 'spiritual powers' and 'higher beings' for advice when we are at a loss?

What I Would Tell You

I don't know when it started.. but everything you felt, became my own.

I know your anger and frustration; they are mine too.

I know what are your worries and problems; I see the same things from the same point of view.

I know when you're unhappy; because then I feel unhappy too. And I get this urge to see you, to do anything to ease you.

When you're happy; it's happiness that I feel too and I want to smile along with you.

What you gave me was a million different feelings after being 'unfeeling' for too long, and I'm afraid of losing it after you leave.

How do I tell you that? How do I tell you, you've become so important to me in such a short span of time, and I need you with me more than I have ever needed anything else. That your presence (or lack of) could make me or break me. 

And it's true. Everything I have written in the past few months, it's all true. This is not an infatuation, nor just plain admiration. I wish I was brave enough to pursue this, all the while knowing it may not end well.

"At least I tried", is what I want to feel.