First anniversary

Around this time last year, I would have finished my first day of work and felt some genuine sense of excitement at the new challenges to come. Time flies, doesn't it?

It's been a year since I came into the office.

And it's been 2 months since you left.

I don't talk about you to anyone else anymore.

But I still think of you every single day.

It's not enough for me though. It will never be enough.

I still wish to see you. I still wish to speak to you.

But I need to learn to live with what I have.

Dinner with Davy-san and Lydia tonight.

We did some (hilarious) tarot readings for each other.

Lyd's question: if she should buy her pair of J Scott (her reading was mostly confusion, inability to make decisions as she is undecided due to the price of the shoes but her final card (most likely outcome) says 'self-fulfillment, a life of luxury'.. and we would like to think she has the green light to buy those shoes!),

Davy: if he should grow a beard (his first card was 'infinite possibilities', but they did not appreciate my interpretation of the card as having many ways to tie/ braid/ style his future beard.. HAHA! I can so imagine him twirling the end of his beard.),

and for the heck of it, me asking if I should approach Apprentice-san.

Wouldn't say it was a bull's eye, but it came quite close.

My reading was about inability to accept change & unable to adapt, and from that, I had unfulfilled wishes & regret because I don't step out of my comfort zone, insincerity because I'm not speaking from the heart. According to Lyd's interpretation, I always say something and end it with a "just kidding", nobody really knows if I'm telling the truth or not. Hence, the insincerity. So they interpreted this as me always wanting to do things but never daring to. And that it would be a good time for me to step out and be unafraid of changes, be truthful about my feelings to both myself and other people, and do what I really want to do. 

Quite interesting, don't you think?
Of course, as we left the shop during closing time, I still haven't mustered up the courage to go up to Apprentice-san. Ahhh...

Suddenly, the world looked different.

What a great way to start (Chinese) New Year this year! Most memorable one yet!

Lydia, Davy-san and I made an impromptu trip to Singapore for about 19 hours a couple of days back just to catch Luna Sea live and make it back in time for reunion dinner. Yes, we are crazy fans that way. So glad we did it though. Even if I have to starve for a month or two after this. Tickets to-from Singapore on CNY eve is NOT cheap. I ended up with SIA because staff rates were wayyy cheaper in comparison. I know there are those who think LCCs are naturally cheaper, you are SO wrong.

We met up at Changi airport (we flew in separately) at about 0100pm, took the train to Buona Vista early to cop concert merchandise (thank you, Davy for suggesting that because we managed to get Luna Sea hoodies(!) among other stuff), and then we headed to Orchard for lunch and in search of Lyd's neon green Doc Martens (I found myself some metallic silver Docs that I absolutely need to go back and buy!). And then IT WAS TIME FOR THE BIG MOMENT. Amazing. At the age of 43, Ryuichi can still sing like a dream. Concert ended at about 1030pm just in time for us to catch the last train back to the airport. Because we all wanted to save on hotel accom, we decided to just lurk at the airport till my flight at 0710am. Result? Overload on food (McDonalds, Starbucks, Swensens), many 'very high' moments with so-lame-I-will-never-repeat-them-jokes, and random guess-the-name-of-the-song-playing-or-get-hit-on-the-forehead-with-a-spoon games just to pass the hours. It was a great experience. Definitely one for the books.

Aaaanyway, the concert. Ohmygiddygod.

10 years.. just for that 2 hours. Please come back, February 8th 2013 *_*

Okay, so we were seated a little too far away from the stage because we bought tickets at the last minute. But just being able to hear Ryuichi's voice live, and watch Sugizo play his violin live.. I yelled/ screamed/ squealed like a madwoman when he whipped out his violin to play 'Providence', Lyd turned to give me the 'wtf woman?!?' look. I'm sorry, dude. You have no idea how long I've waited to see that. Or maybe you do. Anyway, when they went off backstage before the encore (come on, we all know there would be one).. I told Lyd, "If they don't play I For You and Love Song, I will never forgive them".. And then they came out and started with I For You straight away *_*

Best moment ever, singing along with Ryuichi.
They didn't play Love Song, but it's okay. I For You is higher up on the list. I didn't get to take pictures because well, it's hard to whip out a camera with huge lens when there were Event Nazis all over constantly saying "excuse me, no photos please". I totally understand that they were just doing their jobs, but come on, who wouldn't want a picture or two to remember the night? Oh well, anyway I was too busy enjoying the show.

Honestly though, these 2 years, I am so thankful that I was able to see Miyavi and then Luna Sea live. I've followed these people since my teenage years and when they disbanded, I didn't think I would ever be able to see them live. So it was an incredibly exhilarating and surreal I-can't-believe-I'm-standing-here moment. It's a VERY good thing they came when they did though, because the me 10 years ago (or even 5) would never have been able to afford the concert tickets, let alone convince my parents to let me cross the border JUST to watch a concert and then come back. I didn't think I could emphasize to them enough, how much it meant to me. And what about that time when the girls and I stayed back at the club till 0300am just to be able to catch a glimpse of Miyavi a little while longer during his after-party. 5 years ago, my dad would have personally driven to the club and dragged me home, kicking and screaming.

I do believe that things happen when they do for a reason. Everything fell into place quite nicely, didn't it? I'm filled with so much hope right now. That I would be able to catch X JAPAN next, Dir en grey, even Glay. I'm checking things off my List that I never thought I'd fulfill.

This is it.

Education Fair (2012)

UCSI University (2013)

Logged into fb to find out a fellow coursemate was kind enough to take this photo and tag me, showing my work on display at our university. It's the same one that was displayed at our university's booth during the education fair last year; another coursemate was also kind enough to text me the good news when she saw it. And just like last year, when I saw this, I was pleasantly surprised and seriously-so-happy-I-don't-really-know-how-to-describe-it.

I had been entertaining the idea of quitting my job for quite a while now. I know I've only worked for about a year, and people are giving me talks on how it's too soon to quit my job. While I do understand it wouldn't look good on my resume, I just hate that I feel so... unproductive. Sure, pay's good and benefits are good and being in a totally new industry is a fun experience but there are times when I find that I do not feel any sense of achievement doing the things I do. Especially when airline sales and marketing is not commission-based, there really isn't anything to measure our efforts by. At the end of the day, I don't see where my efforts are going to and I didn't like that. I am on a wheel going round and round and I don't see anything except the 4 walls of the box I am in. I want to get off and go on another ride instead.

Seeing this photo further cemented my decision to quit. No, it's not narcissism, it's not the fact that my work is being displayed, but rather a sense of satisfaction, of knowing that everything I put myself through for the past 4 years, all the effort.. is recognized through this piece of work.

Is that why I am drawn to design? Because in design, our efforts and hard work are tangible. Because I want, need to see the end product of my efforts, no not to prove my self-worth, but to feel that 'sense of self-fulfillment'. Am I making sense?

For the past year, there has been many times when I would open that folder containing quite literally 4 years of my life and slowly go through all my works. I cringe at some, particularly my works during the first year, and now that I'm not blinded by the panic of looming deadlines and not being able to live up to lecturers' expectations, my works weren't as bad as I used to think they were. Some could have been better but then again, so could everything else if we were given unlimited time and resources. But then nothing would ever be finished because it could always be better than what it is right now. Just like how there's a full stop at the end of every sentence, there needs to be a stopping point when we realise this is it. This is my work and it's ready to go. Anyway!! I developed a sort of appreciation for my works, because they were proof of my effort. And I really need that feeling again. I took this job because I needed a break from design. I think I'm ready to go back.

I can't go through years of doing a job blindly, not knowing where I am going, if I'm even headed anywhere. And right now, I just don't see it.