203021122012

Its 0830 right now.
The plane is taking off.
You're leaving.
The world may not have ended for anyone today, but it did for me.

Right now, as I watch the time tick and I know you're going further and further away from me.. at this moment, my world feels like it's ending.

Addiction

I want to see you.





 I wish you knew.

Two Sides

Just another 5 days. I'm worried that I won't be able to let you leave. I want to hold on a little tighter, as if I could stop you from slipping through my fingers. But I'm not supposed to, am I? It's ironic how everything is turning upside down and all around like a rollercoaster in my life and for you, it's just another day.

Little Things

You probably don't remember anything you've said or done, nor pay attention to what you said or did. You've probably said and done similar things to or for other people because that's just you, but me.. I'll always remember them. All the little things.

How you grabbed my hand when I tried to pay for our drinks in Starbucks.

How you called out my name in urgency, even though you were speaking to someone else, when I tried to walk out and you know I was unhappy. Did you want me to stay so we could talk?

How you called me into your room just to pass me the free Starbucks voucher. Was it because you knew I like it?

How you listened to everything I had to say, rubbish or not, and how you try to help me 'analyze' all my situations.

How you advised me every time I come to you with problems.. and I remember that one time you told me that my dad wanted everything that is good and well in this world for me, and how "it would break his heart" if someone broke mine. And I wondered if it would break your heart too.

How you tell me things in advance so I have the chance to prepare for it. 

How you see things in me that I've never known, and how much faith you put in me.

How you give me chances to prove myself.

How you've somehow made other people angry, because you wanted me to be able to participate/attend things you thought was good for me. I know it's not a good thing but it touched my heart, knowing when you made decisions, you had all my good intentions at heart.

And yesterday.. how you put a hand out in front of me the whole time the other guys were carrying that billboard past us, it felt as if you were worried it would fall on me. 

You probably don't mean a thing by it, but it does to me.

These are the little things that you do, that no one else has ever done for me.
You may have done them absent-mindedly, but it made me love you.

10 months is too short. I need more time with you.

Nothing is a feeling too

I need you to smile, only at me.

I need you to care, only for me.

I need you to ask, only about me.

I need you to feel, only for me.

I need you to speak gently, only to me.

I need you to laugh, only with me.

I need you to worry, only about me.

I need you to share your worries, only with me.

I need you to show your moments of sadness, only to me.

I need you to be everything, to me.

I need you to love, ONLY me.

Tarot Reading

Card 0: The Wheel (reversed); The Wheel represents constant changes, life's cycle, Karma, the flow of luck. Read upside down, it means I am resisting change, trying to fight against the cycle and therefore missing opportunities. The flow of luck turns bad when reversed.

Card 1: Four of Swords; This card is of rest, retreat and introspection. This is what I need. I need time to be with myself.. to recuperate. I need time to think, about what I want.. and to regain my bearings again.

Card 2: The Hanged Man; A period of waiting, the Hanged Man surrenders to a calm disposition of contemplation while hanging from a tree branch. I will see the world from a new perspective, I will gain acceptance of what is, what isn't and what will be. I will surrender the old ways that are not working, and embrace new thoughts and ideas.

Card 3: The Tower; The Tower crumbles, fabrication falling away, revealing only truth and what really is. The devastation remains, but the old ways will be replaced with new ones, and I will rise up stronger and wiser.

Card 4: Page of Cups; Pages symbolize youthful people, newcomers, people who are very new at something and just starting at it, apprentices. The Page of Cups is sensitive, gentle and dreamy with the soul of a poet. He delivers beautiful messages of creativity, is deeply empathetic and represents the beginning of a creative venture. Page of Cups may also relate to love letters and caring, thoughtful messages.

Card 5: Two of Coins; He is juggling two coins while balancing on the back of a running lizard. Life is in constant motion. I need to know how to juggle my needs and my responsibilities while keeping things in balance. I need to learn to move on, to remain adaptable to changes in life while keeping focus of the direction in which I want to go.

---------------------------------------------------

I started going back into tarot cards again when I realise I now had the means to support all the "hobbies" I gave up before. In other words, I'm collecting tarot decks. Isn't it a little funny how we always turn to 'spiritual powers' and 'higher beings' for advice when we are at a loss?

What I Would Tell You

I don't know when it started.. but everything you felt, became my own.

I know your anger and frustration; they are mine too.

I know what are your worries and problems; I see the same things from the same point of view.

I know when you're unhappy; because then I feel unhappy too. And I get this urge to see you, to do anything to ease you.

When you're happy; it's happiness that I feel too and I want to smile along with you.

What you gave me was a million different feelings after being 'unfeeling' for too long, and I'm afraid of losing it after you leave.

How do I tell you that? How do I tell you, you've become so important to me in such a short span of time, and I need you with me more than I have ever needed anything else. That your presence (or lack of) could make me or break me. 

And it's true. Everything I have written in the past few months, it's all true. This is not an infatuation, nor just plain admiration. I wish I was brave enough to pursue this, all the while knowing it may not end well.

"At least I tried", is what I want to feel.