This is it.

Education Fair (2012)

UCSI University (2013)

Logged into fb to find out a fellow coursemate was kind enough to take this photo and tag me, showing my work on display at our university. It's the same one that was displayed at our university's booth during the education fair last year; another coursemate was also kind enough to text me the good news when she saw it. And just like last year, when I saw this, I was pleasantly surprised and seriously-so-happy-I-don't-really-know-how-to-describe-it.

I had been entertaining the idea of quitting my job for quite a while now. I know I've only worked for about a year, and people are giving me talks on how it's too soon to quit my job. While I do understand it wouldn't look good on my resume, I just hate that I feel so... unproductive. Sure, pay's good and benefits are good and being in a totally new industry is a fun experience but there are times when I find that I do not feel any sense of achievement doing the things I do. Especially when airline sales and marketing is not commission-based, there really isn't anything to measure our efforts by. At the end of the day, I don't see where my efforts are going to and I didn't like that. I am on a wheel going round and round and I don't see anything except the 4 walls of the box I am in. I want to get off and go on another ride instead.

Seeing this photo further cemented my decision to quit. No, it's not narcissism, it's not the fact that my work is being displayed, but rather a sense of satisfaction, of knowing that everything I put myself through for the past 4 years, all the effort.. is recognized through this piece of work.

Is that why I am drawn to design? Because in design, our efforts and hard work are tangible. Because I want, need to see the end product of my efforts, no not to prove my self-worth, but to feel that 'sense of self-fulfillment'. Am I making sense?

For the past year, there has been many times when I would open that folder containing quite literally 4 years of my life and slowly go through all my works. I cringe at some, particularly my works during the first year, and now that I'm not blinded by the panic of looming deadlines and not being able to live up to lecturers' expectations, my works weren't as bad as I used to think they were. Some could have been better but then again, so could everything else if we were given unlimited time and resources. But then nothing would ever be finished because it could always be better than what it is right now. Just like how there's a full stop at the end of every sentence, there needs to be a stopping point when we realise this is it. This is my work and it's ready to go. Anyway!! I developed a sort of appreciation for my works, because they were proof of my effort. And I really need that feeling again. I took this job because I needed a break from design. I think I'm ready to go back.

I can't go through years of doing a job blindly, not knowing where I am going, if I'm even headed anywhere. And right now, I just don't see it.

2012 at a glance

1. I graduated.. finally! (Second upper! It was a pleasant surprise.)

2. I found a job.

3. And it led me to you.

4. Trip to Korea and seeing snow for the first time. It was incredibly beautiful. I'm definitely making another trip back. This time, in Autumn.

5. Video Games Live! Thank you for coming to Malaysia again.

6. Distant Worlds! Damn, it was awesome.

7. MIYAVIIIIIII!! OHMYHOLYDUCKS. That was the best part of 2012... no, the best part of my life. I still can't believe he came. And we finally saw him up-close and finally heard him live. He was so awesome. We waited up at the club for him until 3am AND IT WAS SO WORTH IT. Because as he left, he walked up to our table, grabbed my head and hugged meeeee *_*  &*@^#@%&#@&. Thank you for that, Miyavi. You've ruined me for any other guy (well, except one. If he would love me, I'd choose him over you.)

8. Oh, and meeting Drummer-san (Motokatsu Miyagami). Thanks for trying to take a photo with us even though it didn't turn out. I still wish we had that photo of us though.

9. I got a new car. But there are days when I miss my little Kelisa.

10. Went to Singapore for training and met many colleagues from all over the world. It was a really good experience.

11. New camera! My trusty Samsung NX1000. I also got a free 50-200mm lens out of it :)

12. Just when I thought everything was going well, you announced your inevitable departure. And it felt like I was forced to wake up from a dream.

2012 was a pretty interesting year. Many ups and downs and new adventures. I met a person I never thought I'd meet in this lifetime. I followed you for 10 years, Miyavi! I got into a job without any prior experience in the airline industry nor knowledge of what I would be doing. And so far it's been fun. It led me to this one incredibly awesome person and he had to leave. It was a great 10 months together though, wasn't it?

I'm looking ahead right now. I wonder what would 2013 bring.

New day, same life

First bit of news I heard about you today ever since you left.
I guess you're doing alright then?
I'm not, though.
I really want to be, but I'm not.
I need to leave because everything reminds me of you.
And I hate that I no longer look forward to another day.

Love the one you're with

But as much as I want to, I can't.

Because he will never be you.

I miss you in so many ways that I can't even count.
And all I would ever want is days and nights with you; I would fill them with conversations and laughter, secrets and hopes and dreams.

Aftermath

Remember when we joked about how it's okay for me to leave, after you've gone? 
Sometimes I wonder if I should have gone off first instead, ahead of you.

It hurts to be the one left behind.
Ever since my last post, I've been working hard at getting over you.
It's hard though, because there's traces of you everywhere.
I walk into the room and I still expect to see you behind that desk. I swear I can still smell your cologne in the corridor. That's how I always knew the moment you came to work. I check my inbox and I still expect to see your name, see you sending mails to me. I still expect to hear your voice when I call your line.
And against my will, I start thinking of you. And wishing you were really here.

You've left nothing for me to be able to contact you.
All I have is your email for work.
Should I drop you a message?
I want to know how you are. 
I wonder if you'd want to know how I am too.

Christmas and early resolutions

It's 17 minutes to Christmas and I only have one wish this year.
Oh alright, two.
I hope you're happy right now, wherever you are.
And I hope you'll think of me.

Okay, three.
The last one's for me to move on. I hope.
I won't forget you.
And I'll never stop loving you.
But I'll need to get over you.

The one person who knows this story would tell me love's too strong a word to use in this context.
But I can say, quite confidently, I do love you.
I've had months to think about this, to analyze how I feel.
Was it admiration, infatuation, respect, adoration.. the list goes on.
But I think love is just right.
I know it's not a word to be used lightly, in any and every situation.
And I know I'm guilty of that crime.
But love is different when it comes to you.
Every day for the past 7 months, I woke up and you were the first person I thought of.
You were the reason I looked forward to the next day, so I could see you again.
You were the reason I worked hard, because I wanted to help you with that burden you carried.
You were the person I wanted to speak to when I was happy, or sad.
You were the person I wanted to comfort when I knew you had problems.
You were the only one I could tell everything to, and for the last few months, I hope I was the same to you.

Unfortunately, I'm not the person in your life.
At best, I'm just a passerby and you have since moved on without me.
I guess I'll need to start heading down my own road too.. without you.

Okay, one last wish.
I hope our paths will cross again soon, in the future.
I know we can't be anything more but I think we'll make very good friends.
And that's good enough for me.
I can't be in the center but at least I'll be a part of your life.

Almost

Do you remember that day I came to speak to you?

We were talking about something else and suddenly you asked me to tell you what's wrong.

I pretended I didn't understand your question.

You said you could tell there is something I'm keeping inside and it bothers me.

You asked me if I could tell you what it was.

You asked me if you could help with whatever it was I was keeping in.

And at that moment, I was afraid.

It meant that my feelings were beginning to show.

It meant that my feelings had become so overflowed that I could no longer keep a lid over it.

And for a brief moment, I wanted to come right out and say, 

"It's you".

I still wonder what your reaction would have been.

Probably not a good one. Or you would've thought I was fooling around again.

I still smile to myself, thinking of your reaction.. when I told you I didn't want to talk about it and you said you wished you could just hit my back so hard, I would explode and tell you everything that I've been keeping in. You have no idea how much I wish I could.

I still think about that day... The day I almost told you I love you.