TWENTYSIX

It's my 26th birthday!

The years are zooming by so fast, it drowns out my voice when I try to shout, "wait up!".

What can I say about being alive for 26 years?

Well, for starters, it feels much longer than that...

There were days that felt like it went on forever,

and there were days when I wished time would stop.

There were days when I felt helpless,

and days when I was ready to take on everything life threw in my direction.

There were days when everything felt so unreal, I questioned my own reality,

and there were days when I felt more alive than I have ever been.

There were nights when I fell asleep knowing exactly what I wanted to do and where I wanted to be,

only to wake up the next day feeling lost and disoriented.

There were days when I just want to be content with life,

and days when I couldn't stand everything around me, and I want to run away.

There were days when I wished he is happy with life,

and many many days when I wished he is not, because I'm not there.

There were nights when I yearned for unnameable things,

and wake up knowing I might never have a chance at these things.

There were days when I want to let go,

and days when holding on is the only thing I can do when everything feels out of control.

And yet, I want more days and more nights. Over and over again.

I want to feel. Over and over again.

Such is the cycle of life, no?

Reso-what?

So, new year came and went.

And in January, the word you'll often hear is most likely "resolution".

You have any?

Well, for me... sure I do. Got a few floating around in my head, same ol' ones I make year after year, I don't think they're on their way to being fulfilled just yet.

Too much dreaming, too little action.

The most important resolution for 2014, is finding a new job.

I spent the better part of last year trying and trying, but it just didn't work out.

It's just my problem that I can't accept. 

I have loans and stuff that I need to pay every month, and no willpower to save.

Oh yeah, there's the other resolution. I need to save!

From now on, it's just e-books all the way for me. No buying! Until I have something to show in my bank account anyway. 

And no more concerts!

.... after Miyavi in February, of course. My ticket comes with a Meet and Greet session! (super excited)

ONE OK ROCK may have mentioned they are doing a world tour this year....

Okay. There. Two resolutions I'm almost confident of keeping.

The rest, I hope, will come in due time. I haven't given up hope (yet).

Here's to a great year ahead!

Latest addiction

涙があふれる悲しい季節は
誰かに抱かれた夢を見る
泣きたい気持ちは言葉に出来ない
今夜も冷たい雨が降る

四六時中も好きと言って
夢の中へ連れて行って
忘れられない Heart & Soul
夜が待てない

砂に書いた名前消して
波はどこへ帰るのか？

こんな夜は涙見せずに
また逢えると言って欲しい
忘れられない Heart & Soul
涙の果実よ..

Just random bits of lyrics to an EXILE song (真夏の果実) that I've been looping over and over again. People who listen to Chinese songs (or more specifically, Jacky Cheung) would know this melody.

I never knew the original was actually a Japanese song.
Just like 夕焼けの歌. Did you?

I prefer both songs in its original language :) Go listen!

2013 in the middle of the night

It's 1am here in Japan (Osaka) and I can't sleep.

Maybe because I am conscious of the fact that I only have another 02 days here and then it's back to reality. Who wants holidays to end, right?

I'm almost wishing 2013 won't end so fast.

Looking back.. I think it's been a great year.

Was blessed with many holidays (:D); Hong Kong, Tokyo and Osaka.

Osaka probably has the biggest impact on me because I'm traveling with only my mom as my companion.

This is the first time and it's very very close to my dream of traveling alone (because technically my mom's just gonna follow me around) and it's the first time I ever felt independent. Really.!

I have to be the one checking/ booking hotels, I have to be the one booking our flight tickets (but that's easy since all I have to do is fill up some forms at work).

I have to make sure we can get to our hotel from the airport, I have to navigate around the city, plan our daily itinerary, making sure we are fed, we don't get lost, and we make it back to our hotel.. I even have to be the one taking all the photos!

I'm pretty sure I only a handful of photos with myself in it.

But I love this experience.

There's just two days left and since we're done with all the main attractions around the city, it's time for some retail therapy to end the trip :)

I'm signing off with a picture of the beautiful sunrise I woke up to on the way to Osaka. Japan is the Land of the Rising Sun indeed.

Rest in peace

These few years, we (I) have had to deal with a lot of deaths.

They were people I knew, and people I didn't know.. 
that I would never ever get to know.

To the people I knew.. we made memories,

To the people I didn't know.. you gave me memories.

When I say what's "wrong" with this world, 
that people are leaving us (me),

What I'm trying to say is,
I'm sure they have all gone to a better place.
How can I not believe it?
Because that's the only way we can console ourselves.

I know some of them may not have chosen to go..

But being in a better place, I hope there is peace for everyone.

Over here, we will always have our struggles and fears..
and times of darkness,

Which may not always be pleasant but in the end, it reminds us of one important thing.
That we are alive.

And I.. live knowing each one of them have changed my life.


Paul Walker, this one's for you.
Your death was untimely. The world hasn't had enough of you yet.
But then again.. would death ever be "timely"?
"Too fast, too furious" will always remind me of you.
And I don't mean the movie.
I meant the words.

Finally, Japan!

Late night packing + insomnia most likely due to excitement = blogging at night again.

Finally, I'm going to Japan! It's a short trip, but hey, I'll take what I can get.

Packing's taking too long because I'm unsure what the weather is like.

Reading things like "..Japan is still July-warm.." / hearing my Dad say things like "..meh, it's Genting weather.." had me rushing to put all my sweaters back in my closet.

I'm thinking it's alright to wear t-shirts as long as I have my jacket / coat, and hey, if all else fails, I can just.. buy? :D

It's Autumn now but I've been told the leaves have not turned colour so... I'm keeping my fingers crossed. But Japan is still going to be great anyway! I've been waiting for this trip for almost 10 years! 

Our itinerary includes Tokyo Disneyland + (triple yes!!) Ghibli Museum!! Everyone knows out of Japan, it's pretty hard to score the tickets to Ghibli, so special thanks to Yung's diving friend, Atsuko-san who helped to ask her friend, Suzuki-san in Tokyo to buy the tickets for us. I really am eternally grateful. We'll be going with the two of them, apparently they haven't been to Ghibli either. Great! Native Japanese with us, I don't feel so pressured now. Everyone keeps telling me they are counting on me to get around in Japan (*^*)"". I stopped classes quite a while back because a) I couldn't afford the classes while I was trying to pay off my "debts" and b) I was working overtime almost everyday and missing more classes than I care to count. I thought I could do it on my own but...still...no time. (Oh man, there's that excuse again). I'm still gonna try my best to continue learning on my own though.

Many people think I started learning Japanese because I like manga / anime / Japanese culture / etc.. I say this because when people find out I can speak Japanese, they say things like "... oh I bet it's because you like anime..!" I mean, yeah, I like all of that but it's not the real reason. At the same time, my explanation is not a good table-topic. I remember the first time Lydia played X Japan's "Tears" for me. We were 15 (that's 10 years ago!) and singing along to the lyrics / reading the translation she printed out and that's the first time I thought Japanese (language) sounded so beautiful. I'm not kidding! I really meant it when I said I have an affinity with words. And their lyrics just did it for me. I was utterly hooked on Japanese. And listening to X Japan / Yoshiki made me feel that it wasn't enough for me to just read English translations. It felt like something is still missing and I need to be able to understand its original language. My Japanese isn't all that great, but we can probably get by and hey, I can now understand most of the Japanese songs I listen to! Score! :)

One regret though, I wish I have the time to pay a visit to hide's grave (there's a memorial grave for his fans). I even googled the address / instructions on how to get there but I don't think I'll be able to spare the time. Moreover, I'm going with family and I REALLY doubt they will consent to go with me / let me go on my own. Safety / language barrier aside (I got that covered), my oh-so-traditional dad would FLIP if I tell him I'm going to visit a memorial grave. I can just imagine the whole scene, right down to him chaining me to his side. Well, that's that. I guess this will be a trip to make when I return to Japan with friends instead, the next time.

So.. back to packing.

I can't deal with love and death

Nowadays I can't listen to / sing a love song at home without my mom asking if I'm seeing someone. I wish I was kidding, but nope. She gets her hopes up everytime I sing a song about falling in love.

Honestly, I never thought there'd be a day my parents would bug me to date. I always thought they'd be content to let me be their little girl forever. Lord knows he still calls me at 10pm everyday when I'm out, days when he would walk me out to my car in the morning when I go to work, and when I'm sick he'd insist on driving me to the doctor's.. Okay, my dad's pretty awesome. But I'd  like a little independence.... just to show that I can get on well enough on my own, ya know? I still don't go on road trips with friends (Hopefully that will change soon... can't say anything yet but I'm keeping my fingers crossed for a long haul trip happening sometime next month). 

There are days when I'm quite sure I blame myself for this predicament I'm in. It feels like I buried my heart under so many layers of insecurity, I don't even feel it anymore. I'm not content to stay this way but it's been too long..

During the weekend, I watched Glee's "The Quarterback" episode. It was heart breaking, to say the least. I never really let myself get into the fact that Cory Monteith had passed away. There were times I wondered if they were really talking about the person Cory was, instead of 'Finn' the character. And I'm not too sure why everyone is so hung up on the fact that the series didn't mention how he died. Really guys? What's important isn't that the story didn't gel because no one know how he died, but that he is dead. If that makes sense. It's a tribute, not a documentary. 



"You know, when I would see that stuff on the news, I would shut it off because it was just too horrible to think, but I would always think, "How do they wake up every day? I mean, how do they.. how do they breathe, honey? But you do wake up. And for just a second, you forget. And then, oh, you remember. And it's like getting that phone call again and again, every time. You don't get to stop waking up. You have to keep on being a parent even though you don't have a child anymore."