Sudden outburst.

It suddenly dawned on me that I'll be graduating in a year. 12 months. Not very long, to be honest.
And even though I keep talking about wanting to do this, wanting to do that when I'm out, I'm scared I won't be able to. You know what they say, things are alot easier said than done. Especially when now I have the excuse of saying I'm restricted by my family and studies. I'm afraid of how I'd feel if it doesn't work out. And even though my dad says it so easily now, I'm worried that when the times comes, he won't just let me go. And what I would do if he doesn't.


My mom just told me my cousin is getting married at the end of the year. She, who has only graduated about a year ago, and dated this guy for less. I heard the elderly were bugging them to settle down. I really don't understand the Chinese elders' theory of rushing girls to get married because they think we all need a man in our lives. Next thing you know, they'll be telling her to stop working, stay home, have kids. Just like every other typical woman. I totally see that happening.

My point of view may be a bit too radical but I really can't deal with shit like this. Its not my problem, I know, but I don't get why people want to be tied down so early in life. You just graduated and your life has barely begun. At least for real. I think that from the day you were born till you graduate from uni is just a preliminary stage to life. Being restricted by so many rules and issues, can you really say you're living your life? I can't. I can tell you right now, I'm only half the person I want to be. And I'll tell you this for free, when I (finally) get out of one cage, I will not willingly jump into another.

Not for a long while.
I value my freedom (or what little I have) too much.
I think I'm able to say I've never really been dependant on people. That's because I never had anyone I could depend on. I've learnt at a young age that in the end, I really only have myself. People tell me oh, you have 3 older brothers, life must be great. Right. Try total opposite. I only let people think so because that was so much easier than trying to explain. When things were bad last time, and my parents were working from 730am-11pm every single day, I was left to fend for myself while my brothers enjoyed their newfound freedom. Who knew.. there were times when they forgot to pick me up from school and I sat in the canteen alone till 6pm, or they woke up late to send me to school and I had to wash toilets for 2 weeks in a row (I am not kidding, is it even legal to do that to high-schoolers?), or they'd ask a friend to pick me up because they were too busy, or they come and pick me up but left me at their school while they hung out with their friends, and when I managed to bug them to send me home first, they didn't even think to pack me food before they left and all I had was instant noodles and biscuits and I was forbidden to leave the house, the times when they had to bring me along to the cyber, I had to sit and watch them play for hours, and the only friends I really had were some people I befriended in the cybercafe. At least they made an effort to talk to me. I think secretly, everyone felt sorry for me. The guys in the cyber. Their friends. I was the sister who was forced to tag along. I hated that feeling. So I tried hard to look like I was actually enjoying myself. I don't want people feeling sorry for me. I don't ever want to be a burden to people. Thats probably why I'm people-pleasing my way through life.
And sometimes I'm mad at myself for it.



"Some birds aren't meant to be caged, their feathers are just too bright. And when they fly away, the part of you that knows it was a sin to lock them up, does rejoice."
- The Shawshank Redemption