she asked, how beautiful do I have to be?

I think I spend too much time admiring people. For what they do, for what they represent, for their talents, for their achievements.. too much to begin thinking about how I can make myself better too.
Yoshiki, for his music.
Neil Gaiman, for his words.
Tim Burton, for his creativity.
Jingna, for her talent in photography.
Yoshitaka Amano, for his art.

In my dream, he asked me "what is that one thing you want to do?", and I hid because I didn't know the answer. I don't know what I want to do. There are too many. I find I can't concentrate on one when there are so many things I would like to pursue.. And he said "music. you like music. why did you stop playing the piano?".... I don't remember much about the dream after that. I only remember the part about the piano. And the reason I stopped was because it was getting hard, and I was getting too frustrated with myself. Because I was different. Everyone was good in sight-reading. I was terrible at it. While everyone was practising a music piece flawlessly, I was struggling, hesitating because I couldn't read notes as fast. The only thing I knew was once I managed to play the full song at least once, I can somehow remember the entire piece without ever having to look at the scores again. And while everyone had to keep reading notes, I could play the song just as flawlessly without having to look. The hardest part though, was getting through the torture of note-reading.
It seems that my strength would forever be at odds with everyone else around me. While everyone could have wonderful designs and sketches, they couldn't write about their concepts and ideas to get their visions across. And lecturers tell me, I wrote about my concept and explained my ideas well, but they can't seem to see it in my drawings. In a History group project, the lecturer complimented everyone on their painting and drawings, but told me that my article on the history and background of the temple was really interesting and 'made her want to know more'. And that made me want to knock my head against the wall, because I'm majoring in design and not journalism or mass comm!
Yung says I give up too easily. The moment I deem something too hard or complicated, the moment I had to really put myself out there, I give up and hide. Old habits die hard, I guess. People can take the spotlight, the attention, I'm fine standing in the shadows. Is that why everything seems to have passed me by?
I want to do something about this. I want to stop looking up to people and look at myself instead.


I can never read all the books I want; I can never be all the people I want and live all the lives I want. I can never train myself in all the skills I want. And why do I want? I want to live and feel all the shades, tones and variations of mental and physical experience possible in life. And I am horribly limited.
-Sylvia Plath