Time

It's been too long since I wrote something.. anything here.
Feels like the last two months literally flew by with working overtime, planning work events, working during weekends and not having enough time to myself. Everyday there were incidents and things in my head I wanted to write about but never could find the time. And then I realise, I use that sentence a lot. Well, everyone uses that a lot too, but they're not my problem now, are they?

When I look around myself, I see so many things, half-done, in my life because I "never could find the time" to complete them.

I never could find the time to search for a new job, and yet I keep thinking I need to, want to leave this one soon (who am I kidding? I ended up staying another year).

I never could find the time to continue the knitting I started, and it's just sitting on my pile of books (yep, I started knitting.. I call it my 'quiet time').

I never could find the time to scout for new piano classes again (I actually really want to finish Grade 6-7-8).

I never could find the time to start sketching, even though I keep telling myself I need to get into that habit again.

The list goes on.

There's this road I take to go home everyday, and along that road, there is (what looked like) an abandoned land; just overgrown grass everywhere and lots of rubbish. When I was stuck in a traffic jam the other day, I started looking around my surroundings, and suddenly I realise there's this brand spanking new building sitting on that piece of land, newly painted, with 'For Sale' advertisements everywhere... and the first thing I thought was, "Exactly how much time has passed? And why haven't I noticed this before? The construction works and everything. I should've noticed!" It felt like I was on auto-pilot all along. I was putting off so many things because I couldn't find the time, and I'm just stuck here, going through the motions and being unable to break away. I use that word a lot too, "stuck". Which I am! If life is a roller coaster ride, I'm stuck and all I really want to do is get off and go on another ride. Problem is, do I just leap off or what? I'll tell you, it's tempting. Many people have woken up and realised they were not content to be on the same ride forever. They just leap off and went on to something new. The question is, am I brave enough for that?

That's probably why I'm sitting here, in the middle of the night, writing this.

Man, I have real depressing 'self-realization' thoughts at night.

On a happier note, there's two weeks left to Japan. More on that next time.

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That moment.. when you sang about every single thought and dreams I had floating in my head, nameless faceless figments I was struggling to piece together into words that would make sense.

That moment.. when our eyes connected and our hands reached out at the same time.. does it matter that we are worlds apart? Does it matter that I don't know you any better than you know me? The only thing that bound us together in that very moment is the thought in my head, wanting to be heard.. and your voice, giving life to it.

Bed of Roses

Channeling plenty of ol' school rock (and ballads) these days.

How come they don't make music like that anymore?

Lyrics don't have as much meaning as they used to, or maybe the radio is playing all the wrongs songs.

Naturally Bon Jovi is looping in my iPod, as well as 3 Doors Down, Mr Big, Avenged Sevenfold (ol' school for me because I got into them when I was 15 and they still had eyeliners on thicker than my 'au naturel' Panda eyes) and Savage Garden (okay, they're not rock but still ol' school jams and I absolutely love 'To The Moon and Back').
3 Doors Down reminds me of high school when I thought rock bands were gifts from God because they were all just THAT awesome, and Here Without You is still as amazing now as it was back then. And Savage Garden reminds me of my childhood, when we only had one desktop and I had to share with 3 brothers. I'd be looping 'To The Moon and Back' when it was finally my turn.

What can I say about Bon Jovi?
That man has not aged a day since I started following them and I do believe they'll still be around long after I'm gone.
Bon Jovi's 'Always' will always be the Number 1 song among all my Number 1 songs. And there's one song that I never really paid attention to back then, but now I do..

Every time Bed of Roses comes on, I think of you.

Because the first time you actually came up and spoke to me, it was the end of the SABE event and this song was playing.. with my lecturer singing alongin the background. It was both surprising and hilarious at the same time. Everyone was up packing chairs and equipments and I was just sitting down when you suddenly came and sat across the table from me. You know I never would have expected that. I didn't even think you knew I existed. Unfortunately, that was the first and only conversation we had before you left the university and moved overseas. I still wonder if you ever noticed my friends standing at the end of the table taking pictures of us, apparently it was for me to remember the moment.

I no longer have the pictures and I honestly don't even remember what we spoke about, but I don't need those. All I need is this one song that played at the right time.

And because of that, I still remember and I still think of you every single time I hear Bed of Roses.

Of family values, the dearly departed and happiness

Came home yesterday to a surprising, bad news: my uncle passed away in the morning. Surprising because, all that happened was he did not feel well, went down to the clinic to get himself checked, collapsed while waiting and.... never got up again.
I cannot imagine how my aunt must be feeling right now.

Sudden death. No time for preparation, no time for that last moment together, no time to say thank you.. for being someone I could love, for loving me, for all the years we've been together, the good times and the bad, for the brief, elusive glimpse of our future that I can no longer see, of us being together forever. No time to say that final goodbye. I'm thinking about my grandmother right now.

I cannot say that I am grieving, but there is a deep regret I feel inside my heart. For he was my uncle, but we did not have a close relationship. He was my aunt's husband, I knew him to be family, I called him 'uncle'. And that's it. We rarely saw each other, spoke even less. 

There was never an opportunity for us to have spoken closely, or to have spoken about anything of great importance, really. He was there on some weekends that I go back to visit my grandmother, and all those times, all we ever did was exchanged normal greetings.

And then I started wondering, isn't it strange how my default religion always spoke of family values, the importance placed in upholding said values and yet here I am, with an uncle.. or uncles.. I barely knew or spoke to.

I grew up thinking I had the best family in the world. There were so many of us, every gathering was fun and loud and crazy and I looked forward to every single one of them. I thought my family was literally my BFFs for life. People I could call when I have no one to eat dinner with, when I need help or just call for the heck of it.

I don't know when it started.... What happened? What changed? I think we all changed. Some became selfish, some became competitive and suddenly, it wasn't so fun anymore.

Every sentence said was carefully thought out, filled with hidden meanings. Every joke was meant to hurt, not to laugh over. And then I began dreading the gatherings, even as I looked forward to seeing everyone.

Now I'm just numb. It doesn't matter to me anymore... if we meet every month, or if we ever meet at all. 

It doesn't make a difference if it doesn't come from the heart. If your family doesn't want to be your family.. there really isn't anything else you can do.

There are days when I still wonder where it went wrong.

We've tried to give it go, don't say we haven't. We turned up for family gatherings when we're supposed to, because we wanted to give this a go, work all the kinks out. But then it just gets worse.

Money IS the root of all evil. As you gain more money, you lose your humanity. At least, that's what I think. Who knows what's going on the other side of the grass?

Maybe they think they saw these 'bad' sides in us too. And maybe they were wrong. Who knows? I was never selfish. I was never competitive. I don't need more of anything, more than anyone, to prove any point. If everyone had voiced out their fears and their worries, I could have told them they were wrong. Maybe we could all clear our misunderstandings, our wrong assumptions and our misinterpretations of each other's actions.

But the time for that has passed. When your heart closes, your eyes and mind become blind as well.

If it was as easy as saying what's on our minds, there wouldn't be all these cruel, unfathomable, heart-wrenching events happening all over the world every single day.

No, we all need to move on with our lives, without each other.

How sad is that? To be living in the same world, the same place, but forever separated by the differences of our thoughts and minds. What was the saying again? United we stand, divided we fall.

I don't really know what's the point of this long-ass post.

All I know is that I'm feeling too much right now and I need an outlet to escape.

As always, when death comes a little too close for comfort, you start seeing your life in a whole new light.

What's new there? You start questioning things you're doing, why you're doing it and how to move on from it.

And I really, really just want to say, I honestly do not want to be stuck doing something I didn't feel passionate about, because of that feeling of stability, or the security it provides. But what can I do?

No, seriously. What CAN I do? Change? Yes. How? Don't I need some sort of direction to change to? What makes me happy? What am I passionate about? And then.. it struck me.. You know what?

I HAVE NO IDEA WHAT MAKES ME HAPPY.

And doesn't that just suck?

I'd like to get past that fear of wanting to change, yet feeling like I'm unable to accept it if changes do happen.

I want to get off the road everyone is traveling on, I want to go on that "oh-my-god-there's-a-screw-loose-on-the-track" kind of exhilarating ride that makes me believe that there's something worth living for.

If genies exist, and one of them decides to grant me a wish, I'd say "I want 'change'!". And genie would say, "Okay, you got it. How do you want your 'change'?"

"Surprise me, genie."

Stay?

You know something's changed. You can't describe it, you can't explain it but.. you know it's different now.

The feelings that you once had towards a person.

Oh, you can try to pretend nothing's wrong. You can try to deny the difference.

But you think twice before you decide not to call, you hesitate before you decide not to speak.

You can try to fake the laughter, you can try to fake the smiles.

But the second you leave each other, you feel this lightness.. a sigh of relief.

That you no longer had to pretend that you are whatever you're not.

It feels like reaching a forked road, where we're still holding hands but our feet is walking towards the opposite direction.

Strum a guitar and listen to the sound.

It reverberates in the air, loud and clear. But if you don't continue playing, it slowly fades into.. silence. Nothing.

Tell me, is this how friendships end?

Isshun demo

It's amazing how you always IM me when I'm feeling super down at work. It's almost like you knew.. I needed someone to speak to, not about my problems but just random conversation to take my mind off whatever's stressing me out.

But of course you wouldn't know. You just happened to have spectacular timing.

In the midst of speaking about work, you surprised me with a,

"On a side note, are you alright?"

And then you tell me it's because something sounds wrong with me.

We're both just typing words...Was I really that obvious? Or do you just know me too well?

If only you knew how many I came thisss close to asking if I could please call you, because I really need to speak to you, just to hear your voice.

I need to remind myself that you're still real.

I didn't imagine our past year together.

If I could re-live 2012... even for a moment.

Break

I'm finally feeling excitement after a long period of.....ice.

And I really hope that you, my dear friend, will be the light to the darkness of the tunnel I'm currently in.

I'm praying for a change (of a good sort) by middle of this year.

Please?

Now... moving on to re-do my portfolio...!

I'm suddenly filled with a new sense of purpose.