"How else can one threaten, other than with death?..."

... "The interesting, the original thing, would be to threaten someone with immortality."

-Jorge Luis Borges

I'm not sure if I can still describe how I felt at that moment, but one thing was certain.. it was truly a humbling experience to walk in and see my grandmother lying on that bed. The idea... the possibility of death couldn't have hit me any harder than that sight. I know, I know she's getting better. She's going to get better. And the tears I shed were not tears of sadness, they were of relief. They were also of regret, for when I see her as an old woman so weak and helpless, who still had to suffer the disdain of her so-called family day after day. The only thing she could look forward to was the next day, when she could see her daughters again. And when I am surrounded by family members, I can't help but think of her alone, in the room. There were so many things I wished I could do; ease her pain, take her away from everyone else, love her... but I too, am helpless. I can feel it in my heart, raging; trying to claw its way out.

It brought to mind my late grandfather in that same position so many years ago, when I was too young to understand the enormity of death. When I was told (and still believed) that they were only moving on to another place where they no longer had to bear the burden of their shell, and that I would be able to see them again, many many years later.

I'm not sure if I still believe in that.. but then, what else would we hold on to?

"the mind was dreaming. the world was its dream."

You know the problem with the light at the end of the tunnel?

You will never know how long the tunnel really is.

You fumble and you stumble in the dark, thinking if you could walk just a bit further,

you'd reach it.. and everything would be clear again.

But the longer you walk, the further it seems to move away from you.

Even when you stop, it keeps moving.. and you run, because you're afraid to be left behind in the dark....

Would you still exist alone in the dark, without the light?

How many have perished, because they gave up and lost themselves in the dark?

You don't know how long you've been walking, you don't know why you're still walking,

all you know is that once.. a long time ago, all you wanted was to reach this elusive light.

And so you keep walking - maybe there was nothing left to do but follow the only thing that you know, maybe there's another way out, maybe... maybe you still believe in reaching the light.

while i breathe, i hope..

It's been two days since X Japan's concert tickets went on sale.

I wonder if it's sold out already.

I'm hoping it is, because then maybe I'll be able to let this go.. finally.

I've been in varying states of emotions(?) since I found out a week ago that they're going to be performing in Thailand on November 8th.

Excitement, because it's real! They're coming!
Denial, because as much as I'd like to pretend otherwise, I know college doesn't end by November; instead, I'm having a possible final review and submission on that week.

Depression, because I can't help stalking the Thailand ticketing site and checking out flight tickets even though I know I won't be going.

Even now, I still have moments when I think, "Screw it, I'm going whether I have a review or not."

But maybe, just maybe, my desire to graduate is SLIGHTLY more than my desire to see X Japan. I don't want to screw up at the last minute.

College is a dead weight I need to get rid of because it's the only thing keeping me here.

In the meantime, I'll just keep wishing they will have another Asia tour, if only for cheap tickets. I mean, really! RM650 for front-row seats, if I'm going for their Bangkok live..!

Or I could just fly to wherever they are. Europe, US, Japan..

This time I'll be ready.