The purpose of feeling

Its too late. I can't stop. I'm happy. I'm sad. I'm suffering. I've gone too far in that I can't pull myself out without leaving a part of myself behind. It will follow you wherever you go. And I will spend my days trying to find something else to replace that part of me you took away with you.

Have you read this before?

Do you know you're taking over my life? I read, and suddenly a sentence jumps out at me and I think of you. Every sad song I listen to on the radio reminds me of you. Walking in a mall, I see a silhouette from far away and my heart skips, thinking its you. I eat and I wonder if you're eating too. I can't sleep right now and I wonder what you're doing, who you're with.

Not all who wander are searching for something

Be good and stay away now. Don't make the biggest mistake of your life and be found out by everyone.

Promises, promises

In the car all the way down here, all I could think of was you. Replaying the last time we spent together, over and over in my head. Thinking about all the things we've spoken about, laughed over, how you look as you tried to advise me and remembering just how comfortable it was being with you. And I did the silliest thing. I tried to strike a deal with Him. In my head, of course. Not out loud. Never out loud. You're my secret. No one could ever know who you are. The only reason I'm writing this here is because you've taken up too much space in my heart and I needed a place to spill everything. I need a place where I can always look back and remember you, even after you've moved on. I never understood why people turned to prayers when they had nothing else until I realise I do that too.

So anyway, I tried to strike a deal. "Dear God, if only I could have that one person I wanted", I thought.. "what would I be willing to give up?". Of course there has to be something. I can't have one thing without giving up another. That's just the way the world works. A fair deal, I think. Surely one thing would be more important than the other. And when I really thought about it.... I would be willing to give up so much for you. And it scared me a little. In a short span of time, you've become so important to me. I wouldn't care what the world thought, what my family would think.. nor my friends and I wouldn't regret it for a minute. If they even understood a little bit of me, they would see why. I'm not a person who would take something like this lightly. I don't go in and out of relationships easily. I don't do relationships, end of story. Sometimes, I laugh to myself knowing everyone thinks it's because I have high expectations. Oh, how I wish. That would mean there is bound to be people who would meet it, right? Whoever they are. But it's not. What I want is complicated... and elusive. I want to be able to see myself with someone. How much sense does that make to you? I don't want attitude, riches, materials. I want a feeling of certainty. Of knowing this is what I want, and once I find it, I would never turn from it. But I never found it. I could never see myself with anyone. I was beginning to think I never would, you know. Which is why I'm so certain I'd be alone.

And then you came along and even though we don't see each other so often, I felt more at ease with you than with anyone else I see everyday. And suddenly I felt more than I was supposed to, and you? Probably nothing at all. When the time comes, you'd go away without a backward glance. You wouldn't know you've left me with a vision of what might be and a belief that I would never find this feeling a second time.

Darker side of life

It feels like I'm so aware of you, your presence... so much more than any other person I have met in my life so far. Walking along the corridor, and all of a sudden, just knowing that you have just passed through the same corridor moments before (and then proving myself right after that just makes things so much creepier!), makes me wonder why you, of all the people I have known, would have such power over me. It's almost laughable, how impossible the situation is. How wrong, and how ill-timed. It almost makes me wish I never went this way. And knowing that it will soon be a dead end makes it harder for me to accept. 
4 months to go. Any moment now you will announce your leaving.
What am I going to do then? What can I do?