Promises, promises

In the car all the way down here, all I could think of was you. Replaying the last time we spent together, over and over in my head. Thinking about all the things we've spoken about, laughed over, how you look as you tried to advise me and remembering just how comfortable it was being with you. And I did the silliest thing. I tried to strike a deal with Him. In my head, of course. Not out loud. Never out loud. You're my secret. No one could ever know who you are. The only reason I'm writing this here is because you've taken up too much space in my heart and I needed a place to spill everything. I need a place where I can always look back and remember you, even after you've moved on. I never understood why people turned to prayers when they had nothing else until I realise I do that too.

So anyway, I tried to strike a deal. "Dear God, if only I could have that one person I wanted", I thought.. "what would I be willing to give up?". Of course there has to be something. I can't have one thing without giving up another. That's just the way the world works. A fair deal, I think. Surely one thing would be more important than the other. And when I really thought about it.... I would be willing to give up so much for you. And it scared me a little. In a short span of time, you've become so important to me. I wouldn't care what the world thought, what my family would think.. nor my friends and I wouldn't regret it for a minute. If they even understood a little bit of me, they would see why. I'm not a person who would take something like this lightly. I don't go in and out of relationships easily. I don't do relationships, end of story. Sometimes, I laugh to myself knowing everyone thinks it's because I have high expectations. Oh, how I wish. That would mean there is bound to be people who would meet it, right? Whoever they are. But it's not. What I want is complicated... and elusive. I want to be able to see myself with someone. How much sense does that make to you? I don't want attitude, riches, materials. I want a feeling of certainty. Of knowing this is what I want, and once I find it, I would never turn from it. But I never found it. I could never see myself with anyone. I was beginning to think I never would, you know. Which is why I'm so certain I'd be alone.

And then you came along and even though we don't see each other so often, I felt more at ease with you than with anyone else I see everyday. And suddenly I felt more than I was supposed to, and you? Probably nothing at all. When the time comes, you'd go away without a backward glance. You wouldn't know you've left me with a vision of what might be and a belief that I would never find this feeling a second time.