TWENTYSIX

It's my 26th birthday!

The years are zooming by so fast, it drowns out my voice when I try to shout, "wait up!".

What can I say about being alive for 26 years?

Well, for starters, it feels much longer than that...

There were days that felt like it went on forever,

and there were days when I wished time would stop.

There were days when I felt helpless,

and days when I was ready to take on everything life threw in my direction.

There were days when everything felt so unreal, I questioned my own reality,

and there were days when I felt more alive than I have ever been.

There were nights when I fell asleep knowing exactly what I wanted to do and where I wanted to be,

only to wake up the next day feeling lost and disoriented.

There were days when I just want to be content with life,

and days when I couldn't stand everything around me, and I want to run away.

There were days when I wished he is happy with life,

and many many days when I wished he is not, because I'm not there.

There were nights when I yearned for unnameable things,

and wake up knowing I might never have a chance at these things.

There were days when I want to let go,

and days when holding on is the only thing I can do when everything feels out of control.

And yet, I want more days and more nights. Over and over again.

I want to feel. Over and over again.

Such is the cycle of life, no?

Reso-what?

So, new year came and went.

And in January, the word you'll often hear is most likely "resolution".

You have any?

Well, for me... sure I do. Got a few floating around in my head, same ol' ones I make year after year, I don't think they're on their way to being fulfilled just yet.

Too much dreaming, too little action.

The most important resolution for 2014, is finding a new job.

I spent the better part of last year trying and trying, but it just didn't work out.

It's just my problem that I can't accept. 

I have loans and stuff that I need to pay every month, and no willpower to save.

Oh yeah, there's the other resolution. I need to save!

From now on, it's just e-books all the way for me. No buying! Until I have something to show in my bank account anyway. 

And no more concerts!

.... after Miyavi in February, of course. My ticket comes with a Meet and Greet session! (super excited)

ONE OK ROCK may have mentioned they are doing a world tour this year....

Okay. There. Two resolutions I'm almost confident of keeping.

The rest, I hope, will come in due time. I haven't given up hope (yet).

Here's to a great year ahead!

Latest addiction

涙があふれる悲しい季節は
誰かに抱かれた夢を見る
泣きたい気持ちは言葉に出来ない
今夜も冷たい雨が降る

四六時中も好きと言って
夢の中へ連れて行って
忘れられない Heart & Soul
夜が待てない

砂に書いた名前消して
波はどこへ帰るのか？

こんな夜は涙見せずに
また逢えると言って欲しい
忘れられない Heart & Soul
涙の果実よ..

Just random bits of lyrics to an EXILE song (真夏の果実) that I've been looping over and over again. People who listen to Chinese songs (or more specifically, Jacky Cheung) would know this melody.

I never knew the original was actually a Japanese song.
Just like 夕焼けの歌. Did you?

I prefer both songs in its original language :) Go listen!

2013 in the middle of the night

It's 1am here in Japan (Osaka) and I can't sleep.

Maybe because I am conscious of the fact that I only have another 02 days here and then it's back to reality. Who wants holidays to end, right?

I'm almost wishing 2013 won't end so fast.

Looking back.. I think it's been a great year.

Was blessed with many holidays (:D); Hong Kong, Tokyo and Osaka.

Osaka probably has the biggest impact on me because I'm traveling with only my mom as my companion.

This is the first time and it's very very close to my dream of traveling alone (because technically my mom's just gonna follow me around) and it's the first time I ever felt independent. Really.!

I have to be the one checking/ booking hotels, I have to be the one booking our flight tickets (but that's easy since all I have to do is fill up some forms at work).

I have to make sure we can get to our hotel from the airport, I have to navigate around the city, plan our daily itinerary, making sure we are fed, we don't get lost, and we make it back to our hotel.. I even have to be the one taking all the photos!

I'm pretty sure I only a handful of photos with myself in it.

But I love this experience.

There's just two days left and since we're done with all the main attractions around the city, it's time for some retail therapy to end the trip :)

I'm signing off with a picture of the beautiful sunrise I woke up to on the way to Osaka. Japan is the Land of the Rising Sun indeed.

Rest in peace

These few years, we (I) have had to deal with a lot of deaths.

They were people I knew, and people I didn't know.. 
that I would never ever get to know.

To the people I knew.. we made memories,

To the people I didn't know.. you gave me memories.

When I say what's "wrong" with this world, 
that people are leaving us (me),

What I'm trying to say is,
I'm sure they have all gone to a better place.
How can I not believe it?
Because that's the only way we can console ourselves.

I know some of them may not have chosen to go..

But being in a better place, I hope there is peace for everyone.

Over here, we will always have our struggles and fears..
and times of darkness,

Which may not always be pleasant but in the end, it reminds us of one important thing.
That we are alive.

And I.. live knowing each one of them have changed my life.


Paul Walker, this one's for you.
Your death was untimely. The world hasn't had enough of you yet.
But then again.. would death ever be "timely"?
"Too fast, too furious" will always remind me of you.
And I don't mean the movie.
I meant the words.

Finally, Japan!

Late night packing + insomnia most likely due to excitement = blogging at night again.

Finally, I'm going to Japan! It's a short trip, but hey, I'll take what I can get.

Packing's taking too long because I'm unsure what the weather is like.

Reading things like "..Japan is still July-warm.." / hearing my Dad say things like "..meh, it's Genting weather.." had me rushing to put all my sweaters back in my closet.

I'm thinking it's alright to wear t-shirts as long as I have my jacket / coat, and hey, if all else fails, I can just.. buy? :D

It's Autumn now but I've been told the leaves have not turned colour so... I'm keeping my fingers crossed. But Japan is still going to be great anyway! I've been waiting for this trip for almost 10 years! 

Our itinerary includes Tokyo Disneyland + (triple yes!!) Ghibli Museum!! Everyone knows out of Japan, it's pretty hard to score the tickets to Ghibli, so special thanks to Yung's diving friend, Atsuko-san who helped to ask her friend, Suzuki-san in Tokyo to buy the tickets for us. I really am eternally grateful. We'll be going with the two of them, apparently they haven't been to Ghibli either. Great! Native Japanese with us, I don't feel so pressured now. Everyone keeps telling me they are counting on me to get around in Japan (*^*)"". I stopped classes quite a while back because a) I couldn't afford the classes while I was trying to pay off my "debts" and b) I was working overtime almost everyday and missing more classes than I care to count. I thought I could do it on my own but...still...no time. (Oh man, there's that excuse again). I'm still gonna try my best to continue learning on my own though.

Many people think I started learning Japanese because I like manga / anime / Japanese culture / etc.. I say this because when people find out I can speak Japanese, they say things like "... oh I bet it's because you like anime..!" I mean, yeah, I like all of that but it's not the real reason. At the same time, my explanation is not a good table-topic. I remember the first time Lydia played X Japan's "Tears" for me. We were 15 (that's 10 years ago!) and singing along to the lyrics / reading the translation she printed out and that's the first time I thought Japanese (language) sounded so beautiful. I'm not kidding! I really meant it when I said I have an affinity with words. And their lyrics just did it for me. I was utterly hooked on Japanese. And listening to X Japan / Yoshiki made me feel that it wasn't enough for me to just read English translations. It felt like something is still missing and I need to be able to understand its original language. My Japanese isn't all that great, but we can probably get by and hey, I can now understand most of the Japanese songs I listen to! Score! :)

One regret though, I wish I have the time to pay a visit to hide's grave (there's a memorial grave for his fans). I even googled the address / instructions on how to get there but I don't think I'll be able to spare the time. Moreover, I'm going with family and I REALLY doubt they will consent to go with me / let me go on my own. Safety / language barrier aside (I got that covered), my oh-so-traditional dad would FLIP if I tell him I'm going to visit a memorial grave. I can just imagine the whole scene, right down to him chaining me to his side. Well, that's that. I guess this will be a trip to make when I return to Japan with friends instead, the next time.

So.. back to packing.

I can't deal with love and death

Nowadays I can't listen to / sing a love song at home without my mom asking if I'm seeing someone. I wish I was kidding, but nope. She gets her hopes up everytime I sing a song about falling in love.

Honestly, I never thought there'd be a day my parents would bug me to date. I always thought they'd be content to let me be their little girl forever. Lord knows he still calls me at 10pm everyday when I'm out, days when he would walk me out to my car in the morning when I go to work, and when I'm sick he'd insist on driving me to the doctor's.. Okay, my dad's pretty awesome. But I'd  like a little independence.... just to show that I can get on well enough on my own, ya know? I still don't go on road trips with friends (Hopefully that will change soon... can't say anything yet but I'm keeping my fingers crossed for a long haul trip happening sometime next month). 

There are days when I'm quite sure I blame myself for this predicament I'm in. It feels like I buried my heart under so many layers of insecurity, I don't even feel it anymore. I'm not content to stay this way but it's been too long..

During the weekend, I watched Glee's "The Quarterback" episode. It was heart breaking, to say the least. I never really let myself get into the fact that Cory Monteith had passed away. There were times I wondered if they were really talking about the person Cory was, instead of 'Finn' the character. And I'm not too sure why everyone is so hung up on the fact that the series didn't mention how he died. Really guys? What's important isn't that the story didn't gel because no one know how he died, but that he is dead. If that makes sense. It's a tribute, not a documentary. 



"You know, when I would see that stuff on the news, I would shut it off because it was just too horrible to think, but I would always think, "How do they wake up every day? I mean, how do they.. how do they breathe, honey? But you do wake up. And for just a second, you forget. And then, oh, you remember. And it's like getting that phone call again and again, every time. You don't get to stop waking up. You have to keep on being a parent even though you don't have a child anymore."

Time

It's been too long since I wrote something.. anything here.
Feels like the last two months literally flew by with working overtime, planning work events, working during weekends and not having enough time to myself. Everyday there were incidents and things in my head I wanted to write about but never could find the time. And then I realise, I use that sentence a lot. Well, everyone uses that a lot too, but they're not my problem now, are they?

When I look around myself, I see so many things, half-done, in my life because I "never could find the time" to complete them.

I never could find the time to search for a new job, and yet I keep thinking I need to, want to leave this one soon (who am I kidding? I ended up staying another year).

I never could find the time to continue the knitting I started, and it's just sitting on my pile of books (yep, I started knitting.. I call it my 'quiet time').

I never could find the time to scout for new piano classes again (I actually really want to finish Grade 6-7-8).

I never could find the time to start sketching, even though I keep telling myself I need to get into that habit again.

The list goes on.

There's this road I take to go home everyday, and along that road, there is (what looked like) an abandoned land; just overgrown grass everywhere and lots of rubbish. When I was stuck in a traffic jam the other day, I started looking around my surroundings, and suddenly I realise there's this brand spanking new building sitting on that piece of land, newly painted, with 'For Sale' advertisements everywhere... and the first thing I thought was, "Exactly how much time has passed? And why haven't I noticed this before? The construction works and everything. I should've noticed!" It felt like I was on auto-pilot all along. I was putting off so many things because I couldn't find the time, and I'm just stuck here, going through the motions and being unable to break away. I use that word a lot too, "stuck". Which I am! If life is a roller coaster ride, I'm stuck and all I really want to do is get off and go on another ride. Problem is, do I just leap off or what? I'll tell you, it's tempting. Many people have woken up and realised they were not content to be on the same ride forever. They just leap off and went on to something new. The question is, am I brave enough for that?

That's probably why I'm sitting here, in the middle of the night, writing this.

Man, I have real depressing 'self-realization' thoughts at night.

On a happier note, there's two weeks left to Japan. More on that next time.

分

That moment.. when you sang about every single thought and dreams I had floating in my head, nameless faceless figments I was struggling to piece together into words that would make sense.

That moment.. when our eyes connected and our hands reached out at the same time.. does it matter that we are worlds apart? Does it matter that I don't know you any better than you know me? The only thing that bound us together in that very moment is the thought in my head, wanting to be heard.. and your voice, giving life to it.

Bed of Roses

Channeling plenty of ol' school rock (and ballads) these days.

How come they don't make music like that anymore?

Lyrics don't have as much meaning as they used to, or maybe the radio is playing all the wrongs songs.

Naturally Bon Jovi is looping in my iPod, as well as 3 Doors Down, Mr Big, Avenged Sevenfold (ol' school for me because I got into them when I was 15 and they still had eyeliners on thicker than my 'au naturel' Panda eyes) and Savage Garden (okay, they're not rock but still ol' school jams and I absolutely love 'To The Moon and Back').
3 Doors Down reminds me of high school when I thought rock bands were gifts from God because they were all just THAT awesome, and Here Without You is still as amazing now as it was back then. And Savage Garden reminds me of my childhood, when we only had one desktop and I had to share with 3 brothers. I'd be looping 'To The Moon and Back' when it was finally my turn.

What can I say about Bon Jovi?
That man has not aged a day since I started following them and I do believe they'll still be around long after I'm gone.
Bon Jovi's 'Always' will always be the Number 1 song among all my Number 1 songs. And there's one song that I never really paid attention to back then, but now I do..

Every time Bed of Roses comes on, I think of you.

Because the first time you actually came up and spoke to me, it was the end of the SABE event and this song was playing.. with my lecturer singing alongin the background. It was both surprising and hilarious at the same time. Everyone was up packing chairs and equipments and I was just sitting down when you suddenly came and sat across the table from me. You know I never would have expected that. I didn't even think you knew I existed. Unfortunately, that was the first and only conversation we had before you left the university and moved overseas. I still wonder if you ever noticed my friends standing at the end of the table taking pictures of us, apparently it was for me to remember the moment.

I no longer have the pictures and I honestly don't even remember what we spoke about, but I don't need those. All I need is this one song that played at the right time.

And because of that, I still remember and I still think of you every single time I hear Bed of Roses.

Of family values, the dearly departed and happiness

Came home yesterday to a surprising, bad news: my uncle passed away in the morning. Surprising because, all that happened was he did not feel well, went down to the clinic to get himself checked, collapsed while waiting and.... never got up again.
I cannot imagine how my aunt must be feeling right now.

Sudden death. No time for preparation, no time for that last moment together, no time to say thank you.. for being someone I could love, for loving me, for all the years we've been together, the good times and the bad, for the brief, elusive glimpse of our future that I can no longer see, of us being together forever. No time to say that final goodbye. I'm thinking about my grandmother right now.

I cannot say that I am grieving, but there is a deep regret I feel inside my heart. For he was my uncle, but we did not have a close relationship. He was my aunt's husband, I knew him to be family, I called him 'uncle'. And that's it. We rarely saw each other, spoke even less. 

There was never an opportunity for us to have spoken closely, or to have spoken about anything of great importance, really. He was there on some weekends that I go back to visit my grandmother, and all those times, all we ever did was exchanged normal greetings.

And then I started wondering, isn't it strange how my default religion always spoke of family values, the importance placed in upholding said values and yet here I am, with an uncle.. or uncles.. I barely knew or spoke to.

I grew up thinking I had the best family in the world. There were so many of us, every gathering was fun and loud and crazy and I looked forward to every single one of them. I thought my family was literally my BFFs for life. People I could call when I have no one to eat dinner with, when I need help or just call for the heck of it.

I don't know when it started.... What happened? What changed? I think we all changed. Some became selfish, some became competitive and suddenly, it wasn't so fun anymore.

Every sentence said was carefully thought out, filled with hidden meanings. Every joke was meant to hurt, not to laugh over. And then I began dreading the gatherings, even as I looked forward to seeing everyone.

Now I'm just numb. It doesn't matter to me anymore... if we meet every month, or if we ever meet at all. 

It doesn't make a difference if it doesn't come from the heart. If your family doesn't want to be your family.. there really isn't anything else you can do.

There are days when I still wonder where it went wrong.

We've tried to give it go, don't say we haven't. We turned up for family gatherings when we're supposed to, because we wanted to give this a go, work all the kinks out. But then it just gets worse.

Money IS the root of all evil. As you gain more money, you lose your humanity. At least, that's what I think. Who knows what's going on the other side of the grass?

Maybe they think they saw these 'bad' sides in us too. And maybe they were wrong. Who knows? I was never selfish. I was never competitive. I don't need more of anything, more than anyone, to prove any point. If everyone had voiced out their fears and their worries, I could have told them they were wrong. Maybe we could all clear our misunderstandings, our wrong assumptions and our misinterpretations of each other's actions.

But the time for that has passed. When your heart closes, your eyes and mind become blind as well.

If it was as easy as saying what's on our minds, there wouldn't be all these cruel, unfathomable, heart-wrenching events happening all over the world every single day.

No, we all need to move on with our lives, without each other.

How sad is that? To be living in the same world, the same place, but forever separated by the differences of our thoughts and minds. What was the saying again? United we stand, divided we fall.

I don't really know what's the point of this long-ass post.

All I know is that I'm feeling too much right now and I need an outlet to escape.

As always, when death comes a little too close for comfort, you start seeing your life in a whole new light.

What's new there? You start questioning things you're doing, why you're doing it and how to move on from it.

And I really, really just want to say, I honestly do not want to be stuck doing something I didn't feel passionate about, because of that feeling of stability, or the security it provides. But what can I do?

No, seriously. What CAN I do? Change? Yes. How? Don't I need some sort of direction to change to? What makes me happy? What am I passionate about? And then.. it struck me.. You know what?

I HAVE NO IDEA WHAT MAKES ME HAPPY.

And doesn't that just suck?

I'd like to get past that fear of wanting to change, yet feeling like I'm unable to accept it if changes do happen.

I want to get off the road everyone is traveling on, I want to go on that "oh-my-god-there's-a-screw-loose-on-the-track" kind of exhilarating ride that makes me believe that there's something worth living for.

If genies exist, and one of them decides to grant me a wish, I'd say "I want 'change'!". And genie would say, "Okay, you got it. How do you want your 'change'?"

"Surprise me, genie."

Stay?

You know something's changed. You can't describe it, you can't explain it but.. you know it's different now.

The feelings that you once had towards a person.

Oh, you can try to pretend nothing's wrong. You can try to deny the difference.

But you think twice before you decide not to call, you hesitate before you decide not to speak.

You can try to fake the laughter, you can try to fake the smiles.

But the second you leave each other, you feel this lightness.. a sigh of relief.

That you no longer had to pretend that you are whatever you're not.

It feels like reaching a forked road, where we're still holding hands but our feet is walking towards the opposite direction.

Strum a guitar and listen to the sound.

It reverberates in the air, loud and clear. But if you don't continue playing, it slowly fades into.. silence. Nothing.

Tell me, is this how friendships end?

Isshun demo

It's amazing how you always IM me when I'm feeling super down at work. It's almost like you knew.. I needed someone to speak to, not about my problems but just random conversation to take my mind off whatever's stressing me out.

But of course you wouldn't know. You just happened to have spectacular timing.

In the midst of speaking about work, you surprised me with a,

"On a side note, are you alright?"

And then you tell me it's because something sounds wrong with me.

We're both just typing words...Was I really that obvious? Or do you just know me too well?

If only you knew how many I came thisss close to asking if I could please call you, because I really need to speak to you, just to hear your voice.

I need to remind myself that you're still real.

I didn't imagine our past year together.

If I could re-live 2012... even for a moment.

Break

I'm finally feeling excitement after a long period of.....ice.

And I really hope that you, my dear friend, will be the light to the darkness of the tunnel I'm currently in.

I'm praying for a change (of a good sort) by middle of this year.

Please?

Now... moving on to re-do my portfolio...!

I'm suddenly filled with a new sense of purpose.

Epiphany.. or something close to it

Nobody's Home. Watching the Yokohama Arena live version of that song for the first time in 2012..
That was when I realised I am going to follow ONE OK ROCK forever.

Damn this band is awesome.
1.41am. I cannot sleep. And I have to go to work tomorrow.

First anniversary

Around this time last year, I would have finished my first day of work and felt some genuine sense of excitement at the new challenges to come. Time flies, doesn't it?

It's been a year since I came into the office.

And it's been 2 months since you left.

I don't talk about you to anyone else anymore.

But I still think of you every single day.

It's not enough for me though. It will never be enough.

I still wish to see you. I still wish to speak to you.

But I need to learn to live with what I have.

Dinner with Davy-san and Lydia tonight.

We did some (hilarious) tarot readings for each other.

Lyd's question: if she should buy her pair of J Scott (her reading was mostly confusion, inability to make decisions as she is undecided due to the price of the shoes but her final card (most likely outcome) says 'self-fulfillment, a life of luxury'.. and we would like to think she has the green light to buy those shoes!),

Davy: if he should grow a beard (his first card was 'infinite possibilities', but they did not appreciate my interpretation of the card as having many ways to tie/ braid/ style his future beard.. HAHA! I can so imagine him twirling the end of his beard.),

and for the heck of it, me asking if I should approach Apprentice-san.

Wouldn't say it was a bull's eye, but it came quite close.

My reading was about inability to accept change & unable to adapt, and from that, I had unfulfilled wishes & regret because I don't step out of my comfort zone, insincerity because I'm not speaking from the heart. According to Lyd's interpretation, I always say something and end it with a "just kidding", nobody really knows if I'm telling the truth or not. Hence, the insincerity. So they interpreted this as me always wanting to do things but never daring to. And that it would be a good time for me to step out and be unafraid of changes, be truthful about my feelings to both myself and other people, and do what I really want to do. 

Quite interesting, don't you think?
Of course, as we left the shop during closing time, I still haven't mustered up the courage to go up to Apprentice-san. Ahhh...

Suddenly, the world looked different.

What a great way to start (Chinese) New Year this year! Most memorable one yet!

Lydia, Davy-san and I made an impromptu trip to Singapore for about 19 hours a couple of days back just to catch Luna Sea live and make it back in time for reunion dinner. Yes, we are crazy fans that way. So glad we did it though. Even if I have to starve for a month or two after this. Tickets to-from Singapore on CNY eve is NOT cheap. I ended up with SIA because staff rates were wayyy cheaper in comparison. I know there are those who think LCCs are naturally cheaper, you are SO wrong.

We met up at Changi airport (we flew in separately) at about 0100pm, took the train to Buona Vista early to cop concert merchandise (thank you, Davy for suggesting that because we managed to get Luna Sea hoodies(!) among other stuff), and then we headed to Orchard for lunch and in search of Lyd's neon green Doc Martens (I found myself some metallic silver Docs that I absolutely need to go back and buy!). And then IT WAS TIME FOR THE BIG MOMENT. Amazing. At the age of 43, Ryuichi can still sing like a dream. Concert ended at about 1030pm just in time for us to catch the last train back to the airport. Because we all wanted to save on hotel accom, we decided to just lurk at the airport till my flight at 0710am. Result? Overload on food (McDonalds, Starbucks, Swensens), many 'very high' moments with so-lame-I-will-never-repeat-them-jokes, and random guess-the-name-of-the-song-playing-or-get-hit-on-the-forehead-with-a-spoon games just to pass the hours. It was a great experience. Definitely one for the books.

Aaaanyway, the concert. Ohmygiddygod.

10 years.. just for that 2 hours. Please come back, February 8th 2013 *_*

Okay, so we were seated a little too far away from the stage because we bought tickets at the last minute. But just being able to hear Ryuichi's voice live, and watch Sugizo play his violin live.. I yelled/ screamed/ squealed like a madwoman when he whipped out his violin to play 'Providence', Lyd turned to give me the 'wtf woman?!?' look. I'm sorry, dude. You have no idea how long I've waited to see that. Or maybe you do. Anyway, when they went off backstage before the encore (come on, we all know there would be one).. I told Lyd, "If they don't play I For You and Love Song, I will never forgive them".. And then they came out and started with I For You straight away *_*

Best moment ever, singing along with Ryuichi.
They didn't play Love Song, but it's okay. I For You is higher up on the list. I didn't get to take pictures because well, it's hard to whip out a camera with huge lens when there were Event Nazis all over constantly saying "excuse me, no photos please". I totally understand that they were just doing their jobs, but come on, who wouldn't want a picture or two to remember the night? Oh well, anyway I was too busy enjoying the show.

Honestly though, these 2 years, I am so thankful that I was able to see Miyavi and then Luna Sea live. I've followed these people since my teenage years and when they disbanded, I didn't think I would ever be able to see them live. So it was an incredibly exhilarating and surreal I-can't-believe-I'm-standing-here moment. It's a VERY good thing they came when they did though, because the me 10 years ago (or even 5) would never have been able to afford the concert tickets, let alone convince my parents to let me cross the border JUST to watch a concert and then come back. I didn't think I could emphasize to them enough, how much it meant to me. And what about that time when the girls and I stayed back at the club till 0300am just to be able to catch a glimpse of Miyavi a little while longer during his after-party. 5 years ago, my dad would have personally driven to the club and dragged me home, kicking and screaming.

I do believe that things happen when they do for a reason. Everything fell into place quite nicely, didn't it? I'm filled with so much hope right now. That I would be able to catch X JAPAN next, Dir en grey, even Glay. I'm checking things off my List that I never thought I'd fulfill.

This is it.

Education Fair (2012)

UCSI University (2013)

Logged into fb to find out a fellow coursemate was kind enough to take this photo and tag me, showing my work on display at our university. It's the same one that was displayed at our university's booth during the education fair last year; another coursemate was also kind enough to text me the good news when she saw it. And just like last year, when I saw this, I was pleasantly surprised and seriously-so-happy-I-don't-really-know-how-to-describe-it.

I had been entertaining the idea of quitting my job for quite a while now. I know I've only worked for about a year, and people are giving me talks on how it's too soon to quit my job. While I do understand it wouldn't look good on my resume, I just hate that I feel so... unproductive. Sure, pay's good and benefits are good and being in a totally new industry is a fun experience but there are times when I find that I do not feel any sense of achievement doing the things I do. Especially when airline sales and marketing is not commission-based, there really isn't anything to measure our efforts by. At the end of the day, I don't see where my efforts are going to and I didn't like that. I am on a wheel going round and round and I don't see anything except the 4 walls of the box I am in. I want to get off and go on another ride instead.

Seeing this photo further cemented my decision to quit. No, it's not narcissism, it's not the fact that my work is being displayed, but rather a sense of satisfaction, of knowing that everything I put myself through for the past 4 years, all the effort.. is recognized through this piece of work.

Is that why I am drawn to design? Because in design, our efforts and hard work are tangible. Because I want, need to see the end product of my efforts, no not to prove my self-worth, but to feel that 'sense of self-fulfillment'. Am I making sense?

For the past year, there has been many times when I would open that folder containing quite literally 4 years of my life and slowly go through all my works. I cringe at some, particularly my works during the first year, and now that I'm not blinded by the panic of looming deadlines and not being able to live up to lecturers' expectations, my works weren't as bad as I used to think they were. Some could have been better but then again, so could everything else if we were given unlimited time and resources. But then nothing would ever be finished because it could always be better than what it is right now. Just like how there's a full stop at the end of every sentence, there needs to be a stopping point when we realise this is it. This is my work and it's ready to go. Anyway!! I developed a sort of appreciation for my works, because they were proof of my effort. And I really need that feeling again. I took this job because I needed a break from design. I think I'm ready to go back.

I can't go through years of doing a job blindly, not knowing where I am going, if I'm even headed anywhere. And right now, I just don't see it.

2012 at a glance

1. I graduated.. finally! (Second upper! It was a pleasant surprise.)

2. I found a job.

3. And it led me to you.

4. Trip to Korea and seeing snow for the first time. It was incredibly beautiful. I'm definitely making another trip back. This time, in Autumn.

5. Video Games Live! Thank you for coming to Malaysia again.

6. Distant Worlds! Damn, it was awesome.

7. MIYAVIIIIIII!! OHMYHOLYDUCKS. That was the best part of 2012... no, the best part of my life. I still can't believe he came. And we finally saw him up-close and finally heard him live. He was so awesome. We waited up at the club for him until 3am AND IT WAS SO WORTH IT. Because as he left, he walked up to our table, grabbed my head and hugged meeeee *_*  &*@^#@%&#@&. Thank you for that, Miyavi. You've ruined me for any other guy (well, except one. If he would love me, I'd choose him over you.)

8. Oh, and meeting Drummer-san (Motokatsu Miyagami). Thanks for trying to take a photo with us even though it didn't turn out. I still wish we had that photo of us though.

9. I got a new car. But there are days when I miss my little Kelisa.

10. Went to Singapore for training and met many colleagues from all over the world. It was a really good experience.

11. New camera! My trusty Samsung NX1000. I also got a free 50-200mm lens out of it :)

12. Just when I thought everything was going well, you announced your inevitable departure. And it felt like I was forced to wake up from a dream.

2012 was a pretty interesting year. Many ups and downs and new adventures. I met a person I never thought I'd meet in this lifetime. I followed you for 10 years, Miyavi! I got into a job without any prior experience in the airline industry nor knowledge of what I would be doing. And so far it's been fun. It led me to this one incredibly awesome person and he had to leave. It was a great 10 months together though, wasn't it?

I'm looking ahead right now. I wonder what would 2013 bring.

New day, same life

First bit of news I heard about you today ever since you left.
I guess you're doing alright then?
I'm not, though.
I really want to be, but I'm not.
I need to leave because everything reminds me of you.
And I hate that I no longer look forward to another day.