2 days.

Even though I didn't really feel like it, but when Nikko and Chris asked to celebrate our birthdays together since our dates were so close, I couldn't say no. I even skipped Jappy class on Friday for it.
But I will stress this once again; I am not a food person.
If I can eat either a Western meal for 20 bucks, or normal fried rice for 5 bucks and still be full, I'd go for the fried rice any day.
(Of course, chocolates are a completely different matter)
Especially if the Western food doesn't even taste good. And we went all the way to Look Out Point for it.
I don't know why we can't just find a nearby place, eat and go home. That was my original plan.
But it was my first time there, so I guess that's okay. Even though I spent the 50 I was supposed to save to collect my Guitar book.

I'm kinda dreading my birthday, because I don't really feel like celebrating.
Not so much because of the "I'm growing olddd~" reason that everyone thinks I will care about.
Just that my mood has been pretty mediocre.
I wonder if I'm experiencing mid-life crisis 20 years too early.

This is..

.. my favorite part of the movie :) I love the music here.




Little things like this cheer me up :)

Angel Dreams

Credit: zemotion

http://dreams.zhangjingna.com/

I want to am going for this. No matter what. Even if its just Singapore, I want to escape for a little while.
I've been following this photographer on blogger for a very long while now, and I've always loved her works.. so I'm excited that I'll finally be able to see everything up-close. Plus, she's including her works of Sugizo, that's definitely a must-see.
How amazing is she, to be able to meet Sugizo, right? Up-close and personal, at that. I can't help thinking that the rest of the people (like me), will go through our whole lives never being able to meet all the people who have inspired us, influenced and shaped our lives, in a way.

Take X-Japan, for example. Founded in.. 1982, I think, wayy before I was born. Started listening to them in my teens, and 7-8 years later, I'm still listening to the same songs.
What's so incredible, is that these songs were written even before my time has managed to live on till now.

Suddenly, I feel like I'm turning out to be quite an accomplished liar. Its not that I want to be, but its really funny how people tend to believe my lies more than the truth. Probably because saying "I've got no money" is such an over-used excuse. If I had told people I'm broke, they'd say "Ahh, just tell us the truth if you don't want to go". But if I lied and said "Oh, I've got something to do at home", or "My dad says I can't go out today", people would quietly accept it.

Oh, the irony.


Canceling last minute on a class trip, saying no to movies, saying no to yumcha; its not that I really want to. But if the rest of my siblings are going to be oblivious about our current situation, then I feel like at least one of us has to be responsible right? Its also ironic that the 'responsible' one happens to be the youngest.
Sometimes, I wonder, what if I had decided not to care too? If I, too, decided that I'd just go on my own way and enjoy myself without a single thought to the people around me. Would I be happier? Why do I have to be the one responsible anyway? I'm the youngest. I should be carefree, rebellious, and selfish, leaving the older brothers to worry about everything else.

Clearly that's not the case here.
But you know what? I think I wouldn't mind being selfish for once.



"Let me tell you this; if you meet a loner, no matter what they tell you, its not because they enjoy solitude. It's because they have tried to blend into the world before, and people continue to disappoint them."
-Jodi Picoult

I can't stop thinking about Byron Bay. When I went to Gold Coast early last year. Its such a beautiful place. The sun, sand and walking around barefooted.

I want to go back, at least once more.

The pace of life in Gold Coast seems slower somehow, more relaxed. Having breakfast everyday at the benches overlooking the sea; bacon, toast and orange juice. The birds and seagulls.. we spotted dolphins once and everyone at the nearby restaurants came running out to catch a glimpse. Walks by the beach in the afternoon, fresh seafood for lunch, shopping. Walking out to dinner at night, and the people were so friendly.

Australia was the best one week of my life.
For now.

Sudden outburst.

It suddenly dawned on me that I'll be graduating in a year. 12 months. Not very long, to be honest.
And even though I keep talking about wanting to do this, wanting to do that when I'm out, I'm scared I won't be able to. You know what they say, things are alot easier said than done. Especially when now I have the excuse of saying I'm restricted by my family and studies. I'm afraid of how I'd feel if it doesn't work out. And even though my dad says it so easily now, I'm worried that when the times comes, he won't just let me go. And what I would do if he doesn't.


My mom just told me my cousin is getting married at the end of the year. She, who has only graduated about a year ago, and dated this guy for less. I heard the elderly were bugging them to settle down. I really don't understand the Chinese elders' theory of rushing girls to get married because they think we all need a man in our lives. Next thing you know, they'll be telling her to stop working, stay home, have kids. Just like every other typical woman. I totally see that happening.

My point of view may be a bit too radical but I really can't deal with shit like this. Its not my problem, I know, but I don't get why people want to be tied down so early in life. You just graduated and your life has barely begun. At least for real. I think that from the day you were born till you graduate from uni is just a preliminary stage to life. Being restricted by so many rules and issues, can you really say you're living your life? I can't. I can tell you right now, I'm only half the person I want to be. And I'll tell you this for free, when I (finally) get out of one cage, I will not willingly jump into another.

Not for a long while.
I value my freedom (or what little I have) too much.
I think I'm able to say I've never really been dependant on people. That's because I never had anyone I could depend on. I've learnt at a young age that in the end, I really only have myself. People tell me oh, you have 3 older brothers, life must be great. Right. Try total opposite. I only let people think so because that was so much easier than trying to explain. When things were bad last time, and my parents were working from 730am-11pm every single day, I was left to fend for myself while my brothers enjoyed their newfound freedom. Who knew.. there were times when they forgot to pick me up from school and I sat in the canteen alone till 6pm, or they woke up late to send me to school and I had to wash toilets for 2 weeks in a row (I am not kidding, is it even legal to do that to high-schoolers?), or they'd ask a friend to pick me up because they were too busy, or they come and pick me up but left me at their school while they hung out with their friends, and when I managed to bug them to send me home first, they didn't even think to pack me food before they left and all I had was instant noodles and biscuits and I was forbidden to leave the house, the times when they had to bring me along to the cyber, I had to sit and watch them play for hours, and the only friends I really had were some people I befriended in the cybercafe. At least they made an effort to talk to me. I think secretly, everyone felt sorry for me. The guys in the cyber. Their friends. I was the sister who was forced to tag along. I hated that feeling. So I tried hard to look like I was actually enjoying myself. I don't want people feeling sorry for me. I don't ever want to be a burden to people. Thats probably why I'm people-pleasing my way through life.
And sometimes I'm mad at myself for it.



"Some birds aren't meant to be caged, their feathers are just too bright. And when they fly away, the part of you that knows it was a sin to lock them up, does rejoice."
- The Shawshank Redemption

I think I'm getting old.

Pulling all-nighters are getting harder and harder. Spent the night at Lyd's place yesterday, hoping and praying I would be able to finish everything.

But by 4-5am, even watching Dante in Devil May Cry was not keeping us up anymore. You know things are bad when hot anime dudes don't have our attention. I had a splitting headache, my stomach hurt, and I could barely keep my eyes open. I couldn't sit still because the moment I stop moving, I'd fall asleep. At some point, I think I started blabbering just to keep myself awake, and I have no idea what I was talking about. I was just talking and Lyd sat there looking at me, most likely thinking "What in the name of the Lord's pants is this woman rambling on about?".
If I wasn't me, I'd be wondering the same thing.
Unfortunately, I am me, and I'm weird.

In 6 hours' time, I will be up for exactly 76 hours, minus the 2 hours nap I managed to sneak in this morning. I think I've given up on doing a good job. I just want to finish the job. And Sketch-up kills me. It takes a while to get used to. And the furnitures don't usually go where I want them to. One accidental click, and everything goes out of place.