Today is December!

Okay, 2 hours early. But anyway...

Is there a reason why I can't enjoy Christmas because I'm not "celebrating" it?

How does one 'officially' celebrate anyway? Christmas trees, turkey, presents and the like?

If I don't have all of the above, I'm not celebrating Christmas?

Seriously, I've never noticed how weird some people are..

What was I looking at all these years?

Speaking of results, I got them a while ago.

._.

I was expecting to get it in mid-December... but this works for me too cause I totally skipped the panicky mood.

I PASSED.

OH YES.

GOODBYE COLLEGE FOREVER.

I've been told I might live to regret this....

but no, I don't think so.

Now the only thing to look forward to is KOREA <3

Oh, and a job. Asap.

Damn. I want my 2 months break.

Why do You make life so hard for us sometimes?

やった！

And so, college ends.

I'm too relieved to worry about getting my results.. maybe a couple of weeks from now.

Then there's a job to look for.

It's silly but I feel like everything I had planned all these years have suddenly disappeared.

Everyone's asking "what's next?".... and then I realise, I have no idea... yet.

Too much I want to do, I'm feeling uncertain right now.

My dad, of course, does not approve. He would like me to be on that ONE path to success without wasting time, whereas I'd rather take a few different paths and see which one I want to continue on. I don't think its a waste of time if I get to experience things... right?

How can one be sure they're right if they haven't done anything wrong?

Blah..

Maybe cause it's only been 5 days, I still have moments when I wake up at 8-9am and panic, thinking I somehow missed my alarm. I've been told it doesn't sink in until maybe after a month..

There isn't much to do, however, given the current situation we're in (yet again). Will this never end? At least I still have so many books unread. Starbucks is currently collecting old books for charity, its time to clean up my shelf.

be the change

Man, it was a tough month to get through.

Between pulling more all-nighters than I care to count and having my presentation boards drawn all over with a red marker pen for two consecutive critiques in a row, I'm glad to say we're finally headed towards our FINAL review. This marks not only the end of my semester, but also my last college presentation. If all goes well.

Guest judges = all our ex-bosses from internship.

GREAT.

Not.

I hate how everything took a sharp turn and went downhill. The last time I had my boards drawn all over in red was back in semester 3. And I got that twice then too! Somehow, that didn't worry me as much as it does now. And then all these what if's flood my mind. What if I screw up? What if I don't pass? What if I have to retake?

Gah. Too much negativity in my house these days.

30 days to go.

"you get what anybody gets - you get a lifetime."

How does one prepare themselves for the death of a loved one?

How, and when do we say our last goodbyes?

How would we know if every moment we have together is the last one, or if any moment we're away could be an opportunity missed to spend one last time to speak to each other, and laugh together?

I don't think I'm quite ready to let go yet.

Please stay for a while more.

This morning, they played a song on MTV that I haven't heard since I was 15.

I suppose that's the best part about old songs; when they're played, everything you ever thought of then suddenly comes rushing back to you.

"I never conquered, rarely came

16 just held such better days,

Days when I still felt alive,

We couldn't wait to get outside,

The world was wide, too late to try,

The tour was over, we'd survived

I couldn't wait till I got home

To pass the time in my room alone."

3:45

I don't know if its the coffee or the butterflies in my stomach, but I can't sleep.

Yet another presentation coming up on Thursday.

This would be my 3rd. And then there's another 3 presentations to go after.

These are the times when I feel like my life is measured between having presentations and not having presentations, being able to sleep and not being able to sleep.

Plans, elevations, sections by Monday, models by Thursday.

I couldn't think, so I escaped by being out the whole day. Coward, I know. I'm paying for it now.

I almost wish we didn't have to leave the coffee shop, because I can't bear to come home to... work.

Every time I get a random "what am I doing?" moment, I stop to think.. and find that my life is actually (really) made up of a series of ironic events. (Sitting at a desk for more than 10 hours can do that to a person).

I suddenly remembered a time when I was 9 years old, I (very self-righteously, I might add) told myself and my parents that I didn't want to be confined to a desk-job. I want to move around, go exploring... and well, just be free. And I thought being in the creative field would give me all that. For years, I've entertained ideas of doing interior, or maybe graphic, and even fashion design, really. They embodied what I thought was 'adventurous' and 'different'. I wouldn't even consider anything my Dad had picked for me; entrepreneurship, marketing, etc. (I told him the closest I would get to is (Fashion) Marketing and Management, in Raffles).

14 years later, I am in the creative field just like what I wanted, and somehow it has managed to chain me to the desk more effectively and even worse, painfully.. than (maybe) any other career paths my Dad had picked.

"Life has a way of making the foreseeable never happen, and the unforeseeable that which your life becomes."

True story.

"How else can one threaten, other than with death?..."

... "The interesting, the original thing, would be to threaten someone with immortality."

-Jorge Luis Borges

I'm not sure if I can still describe how I felt at that moment, but one thing was certain.. it was truly a humbling experience to walk in and see my grandmother lying on that bed. The idea... the possibility of death couldn't have hit me any harder than that sight. I know, I know she's getting better. She's going to get better. And the tears I shed were not tears of sadness, they were of relief. They were also of regret, for when I see her as an old woman so weak and helpless, who still had to suffer the disdain of her so-called family day after day. The only thing she could look forward to was the next day, when she could see her daughters again. And when I am surrounded by family members, I can't help but think of her alone, in the room. There were so many things I wished I could do; ease her pain, take her away from everyone else, love her... but I too, am helpless. I can feel it in my heart, raging; trying to claw its way out.

It brought to mind my late grandfather in that same position so many years ago, when I was too young to understand the enormity of death. When I was told (and still believed) that they were only moving on to another place where they no longer had to bear the burden of their shell, and that I would be able to see them again, many many years later.

I'm not sure if I still believe in that.. but then, what else would we hold on to?

"the mind was dreaming. the world was its dream."

You know the problem with the light at the end of the tunnel?

You will never know how long the tunnel really is.

You fumble and you stumble in the dark, thinking if you could walk just a bit further,

you'd reach it.. and everything would be clear again.

But the longer you walk, the further it seems to move away from you.

Even when you stop, it keeps moving.. and you run, because you're afraid to be left behind in the dark....

Would you still exist alone in the dark, without the light?

How many have perished, because they gave up and lost themselves in the dark?

You don't know how long you've been walking, you don't know why you're still walking,

all you know is that once.. a long time ago, all you wanted was to reach this elusive light.

And so you keep walking - maybe there was nothing left to do but follow the only thing that you know, maybe there's another way out, maybe... maybe you still believe in reaching the light.