Epiphany.. or something close to it.

Have you ever had a day when you suddenly sat back and really take a look at your life and the others around you? And you felt like it was as if you had stopped halfway through when everyone kept going on, and there they were, slowly going further and further ahead; their lives were changing, achieving dreams and goals, going to places and all you could do was only look on helplessly as they slowly fade away.

Thats the amazing thing about FB, I guess. How you can keep track of the lives of people you don't even talk to anymore. Feeling slightly nostalgic and wondering what my old high school friends were doing, so I 'hunted' them down on FB, and (not so surprisingly) I found out most of them had already gone overseas. But the surprising part was even the ones who had never once expressed any desire to leave... had left. Scotland, London, Australia, Germany, Russia. Its almost amazing. And ironic, that the one with the most desire to leave is... well, still here. And most probably will be for the next.. 3-4 years. Yes, I guess I've decided to work here for another 2 years after I grad. Had a talk with Ms D about it, and she's right when she told me that if I had started something, its best to finish it properly before I start on something new.

Started reading The Forbidden Game after having bought the book for nearly 2 months now. Lyd couldn't stop talking about it before and she said, quote "Definitely way way way better than all the Twilight bullshit and your Edward Cullen". Of that, I have no doubt, honestly. Turns out Borders was having a sale on that book, so I bought it. And, from what I have read so far, I'd say its decent. Which is why I think its a bad time to start reading a new book. Because a) I want to finish it so badly (even though I already know Julian and Jenny doesn't end up together because Lyd spoiled the ending for me again!), and b) I am going crazy with final submissions!

"Suppose the devil was just quietly minding his own business - when he saw a girl. A girl who made him forget everything. There've been other girls more beautiful, of course - but this girl had something. A goodness, a sweetness about her. An innocence. Something simple he wanted."
"To destroy it."
"No, no. To cherish it. To warm his cold heart. Even a poor devil can dream, can't he?"
(pg 101)

Dates, dates, dates.

I find that the busier I am, the more I want to read.
I think I just need an escape.
Interview draft submission this friday.
Minor self-promo portfolio design submission next Wednesday.
Final crit next Thursday.
Building Science presentation and report(s) in 2 weeks.
Draft submission of Research report in.. 2 weeks.
NEW BOOK COMING OUT AUG 31. Yay :D

Watching Howl's Moving Castle again while doing my 3D.
Ahh~ so awesome. I can't believe I put off watching this movie for so long.
2 years ago, when Mr R showed me the Howl's artbook he bought, I had wanted to watch, but all the torrents were english dubbed. After that, things got crazy and it slipped my mind.
This is the first clip Lyd showed me.
I swear my heart skipped a beat when they leaped.

The stars will cry the blackest tears tonight

Why, oh why did I ever do a full height cube reception in my lobby?
It is hard to work around the void now, for my business club on the 1st floor.
My entire design of the space has to be based on/work around the void.
Which is why I've been stuck on the floor layout for over 2 weeks.
Gah. Need to work this out by tonight.

Experienced a sudden windfall.
Picked up money in my college and in BookXcess, which paid for half the book I got yesterday; Vincent Van Gogh's A Self- Portrait in Art and Letters. Oh, the joy :D :D
And I finally watched Inception with Celine and GS before it went offscreen. The entire concept of the movie is... mind-boggling. The idea of planting a thought or an idea into a person's mind and letting it 'grow' to change a person's course in life is... in parts, scary and fascinating. And the way they make you doubt your own 'reality'. Hard to explain. And JG-L is so gorgeous :D :D I didn't think anyone could pull off that liberally gelled-hair look anymore. The fighting part in the hotel is awesome. I told Celine "Its like watching Spiderman, only hotter and with a suit." Her only reply to me was "Ohmygod, sweat man." aka =.="
At least she agreed JG-L is hot.

Lyd came over at night with a DVD and we ended up watching Howl's Moving Castle.
And (I'm sorry but) she may have spoiled the story a bit for me, because she kept wanting to tell me about the story during the movie. It was kinda amusing watching her but I think there are some things better left for me to discover by myself, yeah?
*Spoiler alert*
My favorite part was when Howl was going off to fight and Sophie told him to stay. And he said "Why should I run away? I've finally found someone I want to protect. You." Sounds so much better in Jappy though. I thought Lyd was gonna beat me up when I rewind that part just to watch it again.
I also loved the falling stars part, when we discovered the pact between the fire demon, Calcifer and Howl, because when he was young, Howl caught a falling star (Calcifer) and gave his heart to save him, but with a condition that Calcifer works for him. I love the music here <3
I will have to watch this movie again.
Probably on my own this time. Lol.

From up here, the city lights burn like a thousand miles of fire

My current favorite line from Story of the Year's song Anthem of Our Dying Day :)

Today, my dad said "I have 300 bucks. Pick; Japanese class or blood test."
And (without a doubt) I picked Jappy class.
Sorry, health. You're gonna have to hang in there for a while more :S

Am feeling a slight melancholic feeling coming on.
Today, a friend had a rough day and wanted to talk. As he was about to leave, he thanked me for cheering him up.
It made me happy, but at the same time, I couldn't help but wish there was someone I could turn to, who could cheer me up too.

"One day, my life is going to flash right before my very eyes
And they will all be images of you."

I wish I had black hair. Like really, really black.

I have to change my floor plan layout.
And my lecturer said "You're still doing your furniture planning?? Everyone has started on their 3D model!"
I wish I could reply "So can I, if you didn't change my plans at the last minute."
I foresee many sleepless nights ahead.
Final crit is in... less than 2 weeks.
Imma start panicking now.

I'm so mad at my neighbour, the one who keeps yelling at his dog. I hear him every single day and it really annoys me. Don't get a dog if you're not going to be responsible!
Sometimes I do 3 point-turns outside said neighbour's house, and his Beagle puppy used to come running out excitedly and barking (at my car).
After a long while, today I did the same, but this time he just laid at the front door with his head on his paws and looked at me without making a single sound. Like he wasn't even interested.
And it made me sad to think that something so full of life was reduced to being less than a nuisance to his owners.

It kinda reminds me of this anime I watched recently; Spooky Kitaro.
About this ghost town haunted by the spirit of a Cat, and coincidentally, people seem to think that's the best place to abandon their pets and suddenly, they start to go missing (the humans).
So, they got the main dude (Kitaro) to go investigate and see why are the people missing.
And it turns out, the Cat (spirit) had captured the humans and kept them in cages for the other Cats (the abandoned ones) to buy as pets.
And I thought it was really ironic when the girl asked "How could you do that to us? Its cruel!"
Imagine the role reversed. Isn't that what we do to pets too? We call dogs and cats domestic animals, but its only because we cage them.
Which is the same as why lions and elephants aren't domestic animals; only because we fail to cage them. We're afraid. And when we do manage to cage them, we call them show animals, kept in zoos for our entertainment.
Don't get me wrong, I've been to zoos too.
But I guess when you really think about it, you'll realize its wrong to keep something contained like that when it has as much rights as any of us to be free.

Not having to hear A7x's Unholy Confessions blaring in my ear damn early in the morning for once = most awesome feeling everr!
Waking up at 1pm comes a close second.
Critique on Thursday was awesome... in a way. Everyone was early and all pinned-up by the time 1pm rolled around, so the lecturers were happy and as Ms Ida says "Happy teacher, happy marks".
Not so awesome part = I'm still in the middle ground and/or safe zone.
Why, oh why?
After that, my first thought was to speed home and pass out.
Except we had to go out for dinner to celebrate Johnson's birthday.
And hey, when someone shifts the date just for you, you don't say no.
Went to Nikko's place and conked out there instead.
For a while, at least.
Dinner at this place called Kaki Corner. Ugh.
I have nothing against roadside eateries, but I usually avoid them at all costs because that's where the cockroaches usually come out to play.
So basically, I sat there for about 3 hours keeping my eyes on the ground, ready to leap away at the first movement. And sure enough, after a while, I spotted 3 running around the road and another 1 behind this unsuspecting girl's chair. I kept my feet aboveground after that.

If I could rid the world of one thing, it wouldn't be killers, rapists or animal hunters. It would, without a doubt, be cockroaches.
Yes, I'm selfish that way!

We've been "only just" surviving for so long, it has become a lifestyle for us.
I've gotten used to it, and I don't mind. I don't complain.
I never needed a lot, (most probably) never will.
I don't have any extravagant tastes or hobbies.
My only interests are books, and my Jappy class.
Now, even more than ever, I have to cut down on one, and quit the other.
And as selfish as it may sound, I really don't want to have to give up on either.
I feel like that's all I have.
I've given up on piano before. And occasionally, when I think about it, I still regret making that decision.
And this is when I begin to feel resentful.
Are things never to get better?
They always do, for a while, and that gives us hope.
And just as fast, that hope is taken away, and we're back to the same.
I've sacrificed, I've given up on things I want, I've gone through the toughest times and I've done everything I could (at risk to my own health even) yet, it all amounts to nothing.
Which leaves me to think, its never going to get better.
We'll just have to go on like this.

Oh, the horror of rumors and/or jokes.
A harmless joke among a bunch of friends suddenly turned real, and I happen to be smack right in the middle of it. Why me?
I've got no time for this!

Lately, I've been obsessed with a person I barely even know.
Only because it seems like we have stuff in common.
And I'm thinking "Oh, finally~..."
Trust me, being in a college where everyone only speaks Mandarin and thinks Metallica is an 'anime' is pure torture most of the time sometimes.
They also can't stand loud, screamy (optional) music either (the way I like mine) so its safe to say we have nothing in common.
I draw the line at having to speak in chinese everyday to suit everyone.
Basically, we all make good friends in class, but out of it, I doubt we click so much.
Anyway, I don't care about that or anything else right now. I just want to finish this semester without breaking down and hopefully I can use that 6 months of internship to SLEEP.
At least, earlier than 5am.

There is something I need to change about myself.
Which I will, from this day forth!

The last 2 days have been busy, in a relaxing way which is what I need.
Attended my brother's convocation on Saturday with Mom because Dad had a last minute appointment. We stayed for a really short while, because apparently to my brother, a foosball competition was way more important than his graduation. He made some excuse to leave right after he received his cert, which was only 15 minutes into the ceremony. Lyd picked me up to go to the BlackLineEffort, then dinner at Central Market. I wish more effort was put into promoting Annexxe Gallery. I think the galleries are so nice, but it is quite literally unknown, half the shops look like they have been left abandoned and the building (in my opinion) was not kept in a good condition. What a waste. I wish Malaysia would put more effort into promoting their arts and crafts (because isn't that what we're supposed to be famous for? You know, Batik and such) and also conserving their old buildings (we drove past and saw the wreck they made at Pudu Jail).
Again, I say, what a waste.

Dim sum with Form 6 friends yesterday. And yet again, I ask, why do people always doubt me when I say I'm busy? It is frustrating to talk when everything you say just rolls off everyone's back. So, I give up. I shall never venture into the topic of my unbelievably insane schedule when I'm with them, because there's no point. Was supposed to watch Inception after but GS couldn't get the tickets, so we decided to watch Salt instead. That is, until my guilty conscience kicked in 5 seconds later, and I bailed out on the movie to go home and work on my plans. And again, everyone and their "Oh, you can't even spare half a day to hang out with us?.. Aiyo, alot of excuses la... You can't be that busy!"
Yes, I can actually.

Well, I am back from Malacca.
Full day ahead of schedule, and alone.
Damned heart.

During dinner at M yesterday, my heart acted up again. Irregular heartbeats.
As we left, it suddenly started racing and I couldn't breathe.
That was when PS called, and I couldn't even string a sentence together without gasping for breath. I don't even know what I had actually said to her.
It didn't help that I started crying and I guess that was when everyone realized something's wrong, the next few minutes were a big hoo-haa as everyone crowded around, which made breathing worse. My hands and stomach started feeling cold and numb, and my nose was blocked.
My mind totally blanked and I started panicking.
I remember being ushered into a taxi, sent to the clinic, and the doctor suggested I go to the hospital for overnight observation and a heart check-up.
Met my lecturers back at the hotel, they suggested I go to the hospital too. They called my parents and my Dad nearly had a heart attack.
All he said was "I'm coming to get you now." He was not kidding.
Also, my lecturer thinks I'm too stressed, and postponed Monday's presentation to Thursday.
(While I am secretly happy) I'm still worried though.
I wonder what is wrong.

My heart feels funny lately.
Its normal one minute, and the next, my heart is thumping so hard, I can barely breathe. And I get irregular heartbeats sometimes.
Dad thinks its stress. I wonder if he's right.
I only know I'm feeling so restless lately.
Like there's nowhere I want to be, and I can't sit still.
And I can't help but keep thinking of.... ah, forget it.
That's the problem with my heart. It never listens to me.
It just goes on doing whatever it wants to, even when I'm screaming at it not to, and the only ending I get is disappointment or a trampled heart.

On the other hand, it seems that I have reached an important decision in my life.
Our internship requirements have changed from 3 months to 6, but because the contract we've signed with the uni was for 3 years, so that's still optional for my batch. After this, it will be compulsory.
The only catch is this; option A - if I take the 6 months internship, I don't have to hand in any portfolios or go for interviews and after I graduate, I will have to work for 2 years and keep a logbook of it after which, I can apply to be a registered Interior Architect.
Option B - If I take 3 months (I graduate earlier) but if I want to be registered, I will have to hand in portfolios, go for interviews if necessary blah blah. Basically, this alternative is fussier.
The question I keep asking myself is; do I want to continue staying here for another 2 years? Will it still be so easy to just pack up and leave? Won't I have already made commitments not only professionally, but personally, maybe?
My aunt and uncle have already agreed to take me in once I graduate, if I decide to move to Singapore to find a job. I know people keep telling me it won't be easy, but there are actually a lot of things I won't mind trying out, so really, its not that hard, right? And if I desired a job in the traveling field, my aunt said she had mentioned to her friends in the field that I am interested.
So, everything should be settled.
Except, option A is what my dad wants me to pick.
He seems to have pretty high hopes on me being registered, going on to do my Masters in Architecture, by this age you'll be blah blah blah..
Did I mention I hate it when people try to plan my life for me?
When people try to tell me what I should or should not do, it makes me even more intransigent.


I don't know if I want to graduate later. I don't know if I want to work here for 2 years.
Heck, I don't even know if this is what I want to keep doing.
And I used to be so sure of what I want.

Is it possible to fall in love with a person you barely even know, and the only thing you did was read what that person wrote?
A purely theoretical question, of course.
I've been reading a book (yes, I'm procrastinating and I'm going to hate myself for it very soon) and it was a case of 2 persons who began corresponding through letters, not knowing who the other was.
It sounds normal, but the twists were good and I devoured the book in 4 hours.
Of course, design was left untended.
That's why I'm going to hate myself later.

I guess I can actually see that happening though. The world is such that people can be pretentious in the things they do, or what they say, if that was what they think you expect of them. I think writing on the other hand, requires the baring of a soul, in some way. If you didn't feel it, could you write it? I guess words and sentences to a writer is like what paint is to an artist. I've always felt an affinity with words because they tell me so much more about a person than a person would.
I've always thought it was weird that people would say reading is boring. Everyone listens to songs, don't they? Not instrumentals, but songs with lyrics. And what are lyrics if not words? Shorter, yes, but words all the same and they tell a story too.
If reading is boring, then I can only conclude that every song ever written must be boring too.
And don't say its because you like the melody. The melody is only a starter to the main course of lyrics.