This is it.

Final week of my break.
I'm starting to feel slightly anxious.
Like there aren't enough hours for me to sleep.
I'm still not done with all my TV serials!!
Glee, Gossip Girls Season 3, Vampire Diaries, The Tudors, Skins, 'nuff said.
And my results still aren't out.

Totally last minute, but I managed to buy our bus tickets today \o\|o|/o/ *cheer*
Though this road trip is 4 years late (we planned this in Form 5), Lyd and I finally going to Singapore on our own!
Tomorrow. For Zhang Jingna's photography exhibition.
And possibly others.
Ah, enthusiasm :)

It'll be nice to leave our problems behind for a while.

With that being said, I'm currently on a quest to search for Pride and Prejudice, the US version. The one I have right now (Brit version) does not have the final "Mrs Darcy.." scene! Unfortunately, the ones in torrent are all Brit versions.
2 days, and still no luck.

source; fuckyeaheyegasms@tumblr

This picture is so awesome, I can't stop looking at it.

I find it really hard to wake up in the mornings now.
Somehow slept through my alarm again, until I got a message from Chris telling me she's already in MV.
Then I leaped out of bed.
After hanging out in the MV underground carpark for over an hour, I finally found a parking. Not kidding.
Its insane.
And I think Chris, Lyd, Sara, Xiao Thoong and I have been banned from a few places for being too noisy.
Put 5 girls really loud girls together; plus everyone keeps talking and nobody listens, so we're all constantly trying to talk louder than the other.

Prince of Persia was good. Seriously. No idea why, but I'm really into it.
And I'm not going to do a game-movie comparison.
Because good fighting scenes do it for me :D
I still really do wish I could fight. Must be nice to be able to kick someone's ass.
But I have to admit that boyband hair looked better on the game character.

I heard The Trax were active again, so I started following them again. They're (most probably the only) Korean rock band (other than Eve?), because we all know Korea likes their men cute. They were formerly produced by Yoshiki(!). I still can't believe Rose left the band and went from hot, blonde rock drummer to being a part of a pop-singing-trio now. Now Attack has left to join the army and Trax went from singing rock songs to singing ballads.
(TRAX apparently stands for Typhoon of the Rose Attack on Xmas = band member's stage names)
Yoshiki definitely knows how to make a good joke.

This song isn't as hard as Paradox or Scorpio, but I really do love Typhoon's voice.
Love the overall whiteness of the video :)

I want an illuminated constellation globe.
I wonder where to find one.

I don't know what to say.
I'm worried, yes.
Terrified, actually.
Especially when I know I can't do anything to make things better.
I'm worried that we might really have to give up this place.

Somebody, please make things better.

Listening to my Dad attempt to play Pac Man on Google = listening to a comedy act.
Because I can hear him a few feet away, shouting to himself; "Oh shit, no!" and "Run for your lifeee~"
Oh, and mostly occasionally some Chinese bad words I can't spell. I kid you not.
I don't think he'll be sleeping early tonight.
Its 145am and he's still at it.

Went to Kinokuniya today.
No, I didn't get my Guitar magazine. I was 40 bucks short.
Lyd got her Bass magazine though.. that woman was totally bragging... that, and the mag comes with a poster of Toshiya.
So I guess mine'll be Kaoru and Die :D
I kinda blame my Dad for me not being able to collect my magazine. He seems to have completely missed the fact that the ATM card is under my name, and therefore belongs to ME. Shouldn't there be a law against him holding my card against me?
After Lyd collected her magazine, we went to the manga section and I got a phone call....from Kino.
The woman behind the Jappy counter was calling me 3 bookshelves away, asking me why haven't I come to collect my magazines (_ _)"
It was quite funny, but, in the end I had to turn back for Nylon magazine.

I'm bored, for the first time since 2 weeks of holiday. I don't feel like watching Vampire Diaries, or Weizz Kreuz or Samurai Deeper Kyo. I don't even feel like reading Junjou, and that's saying a lot.
Think I will go and watch Yoshiki's Symphonic Orchestra with a box of tissues.

Each time I listen to this song, I think about Hide.

Unnamed Song

I'm standing on the edge,
And coming to my senses from my reverie,
Never thought I would,
Never thought I'd need to,
Say goodbye, I bid you farewell
My voiceless words are swaying a flame...

I can't live without..
I can't live without..
I can't live without you..
Here in the dark,
I whisper your name over again,
Give me the strength to seize the light,
If I should find a way..
I saw a dream, you were flying in the sky
Without a fear..
Never touched the ground,
But never came to my side,
I tried so hard to reach out for your hand,
The ruthless wind kept your soul away..

I can't live without,
I can't give without,
I can't breathe without you
Here in the world..
Do you feel the rain?
You said love takes no pain
With or without the sun,
The lurid sky is still tearing me apart..

Will she let freedom reign over the pain..
Give me the strength to believe the words that "love will find a way.."
I can't live without,
I can't give without you
Here in the world
Do you feel the rain over the pain?
Give me the strength to believe the words that "love will find a way.."
With or without the sun
I'll be and I won't say goodbye cause I...
I know I'll be with you.

The lyrics are slightly different from the ones she sang in the video.

Was over at Lyd's place yesterday, doing her work. And then she went "ohmygod.. look what I found", and I leaned over to see her pointing at something on the FB window.

She found our ex-BM teacher on Facebook. No shit.

The same teacher who makes me sing in front of the class every time before he starts his class. Some song about getting 8A's. He still looks the same as how I remembered him to be. I wonder if he remembers me.
I may have to sing him the song to trigger his memory.
Which I won't.

Another funny thing is, my friend has her parents on FB too. And her mom writes on her wall saying stuff like "Have you seen the pictures I uploaded?" and her dad write and says "Please sleep early and rest more. Have you bought your medi-insurance?" Which (I noticed) she didn't reply.

Its funny cause I was imagining if I had my dad on FB and I don't reply his msgs, he'd probably flood my wall with even more messages, like how he does when I don't pick up his calls. LoL.



Danny Elfman rocks. Listening to his Sleepy Hollow soundtrack now.
Was watching Coffee Prince just now, and I noticed Kim Jae Wook wearing a Vivienne Westwood ring. Jealous!
Oh! and Lyd's dad has agreed to Singapore. Yayyyyyy~

Its amazing how the vampire phenomena suddenly spawned into so many series' of fiction books.
The last time I stepped into a bookstore, the entire 'Young Adults' section was filled with books with shiny black covers, each featuring a different girl with heavy eye makeup and black clothes and either wearing a cross or has some exotic-looking tattoo on her arm.
But if you were to pick only one book and read it, I daresay you would know what happens in all the other books already.
If you don't, I'll tell you. Trust me, I know my vampire stories.

Vampire fiction in school settings: Girl goes to new school, the hottest guy there happens to be a vampire who is cool and aloof, fall in love, battle other jealous girls and vampire enemies (werewolves, no points for guessing correctly), girl and guy live happily ever after. Occasionally, there will be other problems, like another vampire who wants the girl, or a relative of the main vampire who does not approve of the abnormal relationship and wants to break them up, but that's how they make it into a series.

Vampire fiction in city settings: Girl is a vampire hunter, given orders to kill the leader of the vampire clan in that city, but (of course) they fall in love, but wait, girl's family were killed by vampires last time, therefore a little love-hate relationship going on, but in the end, we all know they'll be together.

Vampire fiction - romance: Girl is a normal human but has some kinda superpower; hearing thoughts, 6th sense, whatever, and accidentally stumbles upon some vampy secrets, the leader of the vampires is asked to kill her to keep their clan secret, but they meet, fall in love; he saves her from other vampires trying to kill her, in the end, she becomes a vampire and they live happily ever after forever. Cause they don't die, see.

Vampire fiction - romance setting no 2: This time, girl is a vampire too, she meets the enemy of her clan, they fight and fight, and somehow he notices she's hot and she totally falls for his abs, meanwhile humans are attacking both the clans, so they decide to convince everyone to team up and fight the humans, and then everyone is friends again and girl + guy live happily ever after.

Although some books are decent enough, like Anne Rice and Christine Feehan (because they are the older books), but lately the new ones are really repetitive. I guess everyone saw how Twilight shot to fame, and decided they could write their own vampire novels too. And you have to admit, Twilight was just good, not great. I'm into it, but there were flaws and the 4th book was kinda disappointing. All that build-up into a fight that never happened.But I liked her writing style. I'm a sucker for good quotes.

I wonder if Tim Burton, too, is getting into the vampire craze. Because he'll be doing a film next year on the old 60's series, Dark Shadows, with Johnny Depp as the lead. But if he gave us Edward Scissorhands, Sleepy Hollow and Sweeney, he can't go wrong, right? If all else fails, I hope believe Danny Elfman will be doing the music scores, and that is already one good thing :)

22

I should be happy for today. After all, 22 years ago, my life began on this day. I couldn't sleep yesterday. I kept tossing and turning because I couldn't stop thinking about life and death. Nothing new actually, I do that every birthday. Yes, weird habit. But its my way of feeling grateful that I'm celebrating another year of my life.
Death scares me in a way; like when you close your eyes, you experience.... nothing. Blank... silence.
I think that's what happens when we die. We become that blank. That nothingness.
No consciousness.
Doesn't that scare you?
Not existing ever again.
It makes me think that everything we see now is imaginary. What our mind imagines, our eyes see. And when we close our eyes, everything returns to nothing.
Right. Not sure if anyone got that.

Anyway. Back to gratitude.
I had a lot of unexpected people wishing me today, and that was a nice surprise.
It made me happy, I guess, that I wasn't forgotten, like I believed.
Because I know I lost touch with a lot of people ever since I started college 2 years ago and it made me feel bad.
The most unexpected one must be Wumi though, a foreigner from my college.
I had no idea how he got my number and he texted me saying stuff like 'from your stalker' and 'muahaha this is so mysterious' and to 'look out my window'. He scared me for a while there, I'll give you that.

I got a box of chocolates for the first time. Really. I wasn't expecting that.
Thank you, Shon. They made my night :)

It made me happy that I still had friends who waited till 12 to call or text and wish me first and all that, its sweet :)
Thank you, Tony :) Its nice to be remembered.
And Nikko, for wanting to be the first to sing me a song and wishing me "Happy Birthday" in a few languages, although I'm pretty sure his French, Italian, Indian and Teochew language was wrong.

Went out with King for lunch and movie.
Thank you for both.
And telling me you went around searching for tulips because I said they were my favorite flower, even though its the wrong season and all. I guess its hard to get tulips around here.
But it made me happy :)

2 days.

Even though I didn't really feel like it, but when Nikko and Chris asked to celebrate our birthdays together since our dates were so close, I couldn't say no. I even skipped Jappy class on Friday for it.
But I will stress this once again; I am not a food person.
If I can eat either a Western meal for 20 bucks, or normal fried rice for 5 bucks and still be full, I'd go for the fried rice any day.
(Of course, chocolates are a completely different matter)
Especially if the Western food doesn't even taste good. And we went all the way to Look Out Point for it.
I don't know why we can't just find a nearby place, eat and go home. That was my original plan.
But it was my first time there, so I guess that's okay. Even though I spent the 50 I was supposed to save to collect my Guitar book.

I'm kinda dreading my birthday, because I don't really feel like celebrating.
Not so much because of the "I'm growing olddd~" reason that everyone thinks I will care about.
Just that my mood has been pretty mediocre.
I wonder if I'm experiencing mid-life crisis 20 years too early.

This is..

.. my favorite part of the movie :) I love the music here.




Little things like this cheer me up :)

Angel Dreams

Credit: zemotion

http://dreams.zhangjingna.com/

I want to am going for this. No matter what. Even if its just Singapore, I want to escape for a little while.
I've been following this photographer on blogger for a very long while now, and I've always loved her works.. so I'm excited that I'll finally be able to see everything up-close. Plus, she's including her works of Sugizo, that's definitely a must-see.
How amazing is she, to be able to meet Sugizo, right? Up-close and personal, at that. I can't help thinking that the rest of the people (like me), will go through our whole lives never being able to meet all the people who have inspired us, influenced and shaped our lives, in a way.

Take X-Japan, for example. Founded in.. 1982, I think, wayy before I was born. Started listening to them in my teens, and 7-8 years later, I'm still listening to the same songs.
What's so incredible, is that these songs were written even before my time has managed to live on till now.

Suddenly, I feel like I'm turning out to be quite an accomplished liar. Its not that I want to be, but its really funny how people tend to believe my lies more than the truth. Probably because saying "I've got no money" is such an over-used excuse. If I had told people I'm broke, they'd say "Ahh, just tell us the truth if you don't want to go". But if I lied and said "Oh, I've got something to do at home", or "My dad says I can't go out today", people would quietly accept it.

Oh, the irony.


Canceling last minute on a class trip, saying no to movies, saying no to yumcha; its not that I really want to. But if the rest of my siblings are going to be oblivious about our current situation, then I feel like at least one of us has to be responsible right? Its also ironic that the 'responsible' one happens to be the youngest.
Sometimes, I wonder, what if I had decided not to care too? If I, too, decided that I'd just go on my own way and enjoy myself without a single thought to the people around me. Would I be happier? Why do I have to be the one responsible anyway? I'm the youngest. I should be carefree, rebellious, and selfish, leaving the older brothers to worry about everything else.

Clearly that's not the case here.
But you know what? I think I wouldn't mind being selfish for once.



"Let me tell you this; if you meet a loner, no matter what they tell you, its not because they enjoy solitude. It's because they have tried to blend into the world before, and people continue to disappoint them."
-Jodi Picoult

I can't stop thinking about Byron Bay. When I went to Gold Coast early last year. Its such a beautiful place. The sun, sand and walking around barefooted.

I want to go back, at least once more.

The pace of life in Gold Coast seems slower somehow, more relaxed. Having breakfast everyday at the benches overlooking the sea; bacon, toast and orange juice. The birds and seagulls.. we spotted dolphins once and everyone at the nearby restaurants came running out to catch a glimpse. Walks by the beach in the afternoon, fresh seafood for lunch, shopping. Walking out to dinner at night, and the people were so friendly.

Australia was the best one week of my life.
For now.

Sudden outburst.

It suddenly dawned on me that I'll be graduating in a year. 12 months. Not very long, to be honest.
And even though I keep talking about wanting to do this, wanting to do that when I'm out, I'm scared I won't be able to. You know what they say, things are alot easier said than done. Especially when now I have the excuse of saying I'm restricted by my family and studies. I'm afraid of how I'd feel if it doesn't work out. And even though my dad says it so easily now, I'm worried that when the times comes, he won't just let me go. And what I would do if he doesn't.


My mom just told me my cousin is getting married at the end of the year. She, who has only graduated about a year ago, and dated this guy for less. I heard the elderly were bugging them to settle down. I really don't understand the Chinese elders' theory of rushing girls to get married because they think we all need a man in our lives. Next thing you know, they'll be telling her to stop working, stay home, have kids. Just like every other typical woman. I totally see that happening.

My point of view may be a bit too radical but I really can't deal with shit like this. Its not my problem, I know, but I don't get why people want to be tied down so early in life. You just graduated and your life has barely begun. At least for real. I think that from the day you were born till you graduate from uni is just a preliminary stage to life. Being restricted by so many rules and issues, can you really say you're living your life? I can't. I can tell you right now, I'm only half the person I want to be. And I'll tell you this for free, when I (finally) get out of one cage, I will not willingly jump into another.

Not for a long while.
I value my freedom (or what little I have) too much.
I think I'm able to say I've never really been dependant on people. That's because I never had anyone I could depend on. I've learnt at a young age that in the end, I really only have myself. People tell me oh, you have 3 older brothers, life must be great. Right. Try total opposite. I only let people think so because that was so much easier than trying to explain. When things were bad last time, and my parents were working from 730am-11pm every single day, I was left to fend for myself while my brothers enjoyed their newfound freedom. Who knew.. there were times when they forgot to pick me up from school and I sat in the canteen alone till 6pm, or they woke up late to send me to school and I had to wash toilets for 2 weeks in a row (I am not kidding, is it even legal to do that to high-schoolers?), or they'd ask a friend to pick me up because they were too busy, or they come and pick me up but left me at their school while they hung out with their friends, and when I managed to bug them to send me home first, they didn't even think to pack me food before they left and all I had was instant noodles and biscuits and I was forbidden to leave the house, the times when they had to bring me along to the cyber, I had to sit and watch them play for hours, and the only friends I really had were some people I befriended in the cybercafe. At least they made an effort to talk to me. I think secretly, everyone felt sorry for me. The guys in the cyber. Their friends. I was the sister who was forced to tag along. I hated that feeling. So I tried hard to look like I was actually enjoying myself. I don't want people feeling sorry for me. I don't ever want to be a burden to people. Thats probably why I'm people-pleasing my way through life.
And sometimes I'm mad at myself for it.



"Some birds aren't meant to be caged, their feathers are just too bright. And when they fly away, the part of you that knows it was a sin to lock them up, does rejoice."
- The Shawshank Redemption

I think I'm getting old.

Pulling all-nighters are getting harder and harder. Spent the night at Lyd's place yesterday, hoping and praying I would be able to finish everything.

But by 4-5am, even watching Dante in Devil May Cry was not keeping us up anymore. You know things are bad when hot anime dudes don't have our attention. I had a splitting headache, my stomach hurt, and I could barely keep my eyes open. I couldn't sit still because the moment I stop moving, I'd fall asleep. At some point, I think I started blabbering just to keep myself awake, and I have no idea what I was talking about. I was just talking and Lyd sat there looking at me, most likely thinking "What in the name of the Lord's pants is this woman rambling on about?".
If I wasn't me, I'd be wondering the same thing.
Unfortunately, I am me, and I'm weird.

In 6 hours' time, I will be up for exactly 76 hours, minus the 2 hours nap I managed to sneak in this morning. I think I've given up on doing a good job. I just want to finish the job. And Sketch-up kills me. It takes a while to get used to. And the furnitures don't usually go where I want them to. One accidental click, and everything goes out of place.